Grace

                                                                         Grace

It what is missing

I have thought long and hard about this. I came upon a situation where grace was nonexistent. I came across a situation where I was faced with what I perceived as self-righteous indignation and sloganeering instead of talking to me directly about a slight that I would have immediately apologized for and not ever repeated. After that event, I was torn because I had several options laid out in my mind. It was made complex as it was one of the people I love the most on planet earth. My traditional motifs Operandi is to immediately cut the person off, fade into the background, and ghost them entirely, as I have done many times in my life. I have done this without hesitation, with the only variable being the time I allowed myself to calm down. I have done this to lovers, close friends, and family members. For an unforgiven action in the 1980s, I would not speak to my younger brother for approximately 15 years. This situation was the disposition of my parent's home that went back to the bank for a minor loan that my brother took on the house in the 1990s. I was contacted too late to make the late payments, and the place was lost. The incident that caused my virtual disappearance was how the money was used. I'll say it was a legal issue that eventually led to my brother's incarceration. We repaired our relationship shortly before his death in 2002. This situation is more complicated because, after a terrible car accident in 1987, I was left a widower with a small child. That child remains the light of my life, and regardless of where she presently is, I remain proud of what she has become. I did not do her any favors with my subsequent choices afterward, leaving her in the care of a woman that mentally abused her. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I did this more than once. Even then, she was the voice of reason that led to the ending of my downward spiral. Her words to me that afternoon years later I remember as if it was yesterday. "Dad, if you keep going the way you are going, the only person that will love you in your old age is me" I knew that was true as I was running roughshod through the population in a revenge vendetta. I was being unkind and out only for myself. All that changed when I met my current spouse. I have asked for another chance to be a dad, and I found that chance with her grandson. He was in a car seat in the back of her car when I came to assist with a flat tire. That was 12 years ago, and I now have three grandsons that call me Papi from that one daughter. That leads me to the day most recently when I jest offended her sensibilities, which led to a monologue that stated her feelings about what I said and tied it together with the malaise that is prevalent in the social dialogue of today. My first thought was to think, Ok, if that's how I will be this political adversary, so be it, I will love you always, but I don't have to be around that kind of rhetoric if I do not want to. You have made it to adulthood. You have talent, and drive; my presence in your life is no longer necessary for you. I'll miss you, but I understand. That was my first thought. Giving it a couple of days, it settled into I will never speak to her in that way again. I will keep it formal and avoid any topic of conversation that will lead to complicated feelings. I was guilty of the same thing that I was holding over the heads of others; I was not giving grace. Grace is a unique thing. It cannot be demanded, for it is a gift provided without any expectation of return. So, it's only my place to give grace, which I am doing now in retrospect. If I receive grace, it is not my issue; it is my issue to provide grace. That is what I have agonized over the last couple of days. Having to sidestep my pride, quash my anger and recognize that this person I love is worthy of that love and more. She is why I can write an essay about personal grace coming from a place where I continue to receive abundant amounts just to be stingy with it when it was my turn to give it. I am ashamed and will pray to receive forgiveness for my shortsightedness.