Dalysis Memoir

 I moved to Columbus right after retiring from 39 years of government service, eager for a new chapter. My greatest joy was walking my grandson to elementary school—a simple, fulfilling routine. The first year went as planned. Three times a week, I walked a mile, breathing in the crisp morning air, feeling strong. Then, something changed. A sluggishness crept in. I brushed it off as aging. But that fatigue didn't go away as time passed—it settled in, deep and unshakable.

I never connected how I felt to what my kidney specialist had warned me about before I moved: my kidneys were deteriorating. Back then, I felt fine. The warning felt distant, almost theoretical. Even when subtle signs appeared—water retention in my legs, hips, and abdomen—I dismissed them. Then, the morning after an anniversary dinner with my wife, I woke up in a hospital bed. It was the beginning of an 18-month ordeal that would redefine my life. My kidneys had reached their breaking point. I underwent emergency dialysis.

Emergency dialysis is a harrowing experience. There was no established access to the machine that now had to replace my kidneys. The only option was to insert a catheter directly through my neck, into my subclavian artery—or possibly even my aortic arch. The sensation of a tube so close to my heart was surreal. To say I was scared would be an understatement. But fear doesn't change reality. The only way to solve a problem is to go straight through it. So, I gritted my teeth and moved forward.

Looking back, I understand why my kidney specialist moved so fast to get me on dialysis. After just a few sessions, they inserted an intermediate access point—a catheter into my aorta. It was a temporary fix until they could create a fistula in my left bicep, a direct connection between a vein and an artery. That fistula would be my lifeline, but it needed time to mature. Until then, the catheter was my only access point for dialysis—three days a week, four hours per session. The reality of my new life settled in quickly.

At no point did I feel sorry for myself. Self-pity was never an option. My mission is clear: to mentor my grandchildren until they reach adulthood. That is the sole meaning of my existence, my life's work. The reasons behind it could fill another story, but I know this much—it's a calling from God. And when you're given a mission like that, you don't waver. You endure.

With a military and civil service background, I see dialysis as another mission—one with strict orders. Those who assist me, my doctors and nurses, aren't just medical professionals. They're my partners. They're not punishing me; they're keeping me alive. Their instructions—what I should eat and avoid—aren't suggestions. They're direct orders from higher headquarters. I follow them because the mission demands it.

But let's be honest—sometimes, the rules suck. Hard. But that's the job. Get over it and move forward.

I don't understand how some people treat these instructions as optional as if their choices won't have consequences. I've lost friends that way—people who sat right next to me in treatment, ignoring the rules, doing what they pleased between sessions, thinking they could cheat the system. But the body doesn't negotiate. The system always wins.

Would I love a beer? Absolutely. But that's verboten—off-limits. The potassium content alone could push my levels to fatal territory. It's not about willpower. It's about survival. And survival means following the damn rules, no matter how much they suck.

That's not to say I'm perfect—because I'm not. Dialysis doesn't allow for illusions. With weekly bloodwork, there are no hiding places. Every decision, every misstep, is exposed immediately.

I learned the hard way when my grandson had a birthday dinner at a Chinese buffet. I knew better, but it was easy to justify it at the moment—just this once. But the numbers don't lie. The next time my labs returned, my misstep was in black and white—undeniable.

But here's the difference—I own my mistakes. No excuses. And more importantly, I don't make the same mistake twice. Because in this battle, repetition isn't just failure—it's self-sabotage.

I'm on two transplant lists—one at Ohio State and another at the Pittsburgh VA Transplant Center. I've been waiting for two years, with credit for my first year on dialysis. My family has been fully supportive. My daughter and I have planned for every scenario. If I become incapacitated, my wishes are clear.

But dialysis takes its toll. The fatigue is relentless. Depending on how much fluid is removed, it can last four or 36 hours after treatment. The impact isn't random—it's measured in kilos. If they remove less than two kilos, I'll bounce back fast. More than that? The exhaustion is like a truck hitting me head-on. It's directly proportional—the more they take, the worse I feel.

Still, my biggest regret isn't the fatigue. It's missing church services. The guilt weighs on me. I should be there. I want to be there. And when I make it, I'm running on sheer willpower, pushing through the exhaustion, trying to keep a brave face for my congregation. But the truth is, I'm at war with my body whenever I walk through those doors. Faith is my foundation, but I still struggle with the feeling that I should be doing more—even when I know I'm already giving everything I have.

Dialysis isn't just a treatment. It's a way of life—a complex, grinding, relentless way of life. But I made a promise. And as long as I have breath, I will complete my mission.  

Pain is Joy

                                                                          Pain is Joy

 

40 or so years ago, I was flat on my back after being thrown during a sparring session with my sensi and older Filipino gentleman around 45-50 years old. I hit the mat hard. Getting up groaning, he smiled and said Mr. Manny, Pain is joy. I did not get it right away, but he explained the concept. If you feel the pain, you are still alive to feel it, and if you can move, you will be okay, so deal with the pain and get up. My arrogance, fueled by my around 25 or 26 years old with some karate training, did not respect my teachers' skills as I should have. I was not careful. I approached the situation with a sledgehammer. He was using just the slightest redirection of my momentum to get me off my feet and on my back in a blur of motion. I learned my lesson that day. The subject today is pain.

            Pain is a teacher; it gives warning, establishes boundaries, and reinforces actions used to modify one's behavior. This is true of physical and or emotional pain. How often has the thought occurred, "Let's not do that again; that did not feel good?" Today, I got a painful warning while sitting in the dialysis chair. At the three-hour mark, I noticed, without warning, my ankles turning inward and cramping painfully. After seeing me struggle, the technician reduced the rate at which excess water was removed from my system. That pain was impressive. I have never seen an ankle turn so dramatically all by itself. Without that pain, I would not know the level of dehydration that I was suffering mechanically.

            That was physical pain. There is emotional pain. Having lived differently in different times, I found some of my good or bad decisions led to pain. I have felt loss, be it due to the passing of a friend or the consequences of bad choices and decisions I have made. I'm glad to say I'm not making that mistake anymore; however, sometimes I misstep and confuse things. What pain does is slow one down. It slows the response emotionally, meaning less apt to react with emotion when presented with something that does not seem right. Something that offends and those that would look to provoke just because it is a day that ends in the letter Y. I took a long time to get here in this essay, but here is where my head has been as of late. It might make some in our movement have a "clutch the pearls" moment, but I read, listen, and study many things that cross my curiosity threshold. Hebrews 12:2 For the joy set before me endured the cross disregarding the shame (ESV) and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. In the premise of this essay, I state, "Pain is joy." I have an internal problem with the megachurch concept: we should not be sick, poor, or unhappy. The Buddhists believe that life is suffering. Everything causes suffering, and one cannot do anything about it.

The Stoics believe suffering is part of the lives of those unable to handle emotions. The Shinto religion believes that suffering is not a form of punishment as much as it is a natural element of human existence. Guess what? They are all right in varying degrees. What is missing is the end of it all: Why do we do what we do as Christians? I accept the Stoic version with this difference: I always have someone with me to share the good times and the bad.  Isaiah 53 5, "But he was wounded for our transgressions he bruised for our iniquities. the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and by his stripes, we are healed." We have an advocate who was wrongly accused, beaten, and put to death in one of the most painful ways humans devised. So by knowing that, not on a surface level but deeply in our spirit, we can endure tremendous hardship and pain, knowing that we have a God who has also done it.

Having spent a couple of hours on operating room tables, I approach it not with trepidation but accept it as the price of doing business. I live with the consequences of the "riotous living that I have to pay the fee for in this stage of my life. Do not get me wrong; I expect to be healed eventually, but I'm not waiting for a third party to intervene. I got into this situation and must take the appropriate steps to get to the other side of this challenge. I look to the challenge ahead of me, my wife, grandchildren, and family and get them set up for the time after me to be the most successful version of themselves they can make. To that end, I have chosen to associate with people with a spiritual walk stronger than mine, faith more robust than I have, and a witness I can look up to. I tell my grandsons this all the time. Your friends can lift you to their level. However, associating with people who have made choices that are not the best will also drag one down with them. I tell my grandson that if he hangs with four brilliant people, he will be the fifth; he will always rise to the level of your competition. Knowing this from the beginning will be beneficial to one's growth.  

Of cabbages and kings

 

     Of Cabbages and Kings

 

"The time has come, Ole Papi said to speak of many things. Of shoes of ships and sealing wax and cabbages and Kings."

Today was the 1st of hopefully many discussions with one of my grandsons about "stuff" in general. It was a wide-ranging conversation about liars and why they lie, whether in the media or our personal lives. We discussed how the wealthy pass their wealth to their children and how to accomplish that task for themselves when it comes. Additionally, we talked about compound interest and how it is both a benefit and a bane of existence. We talked about the purpose of family. Why family exists, and what are the dynamics of a family (from my perspective)

            One of the exciting topics was compound interest, described as money that creates money from money that does not yet exist. I explained I bought the house where we live for a few hundred thousand dollars. However, after 30 years have passed, we will pay significantly more than that, close to double. That is what they call interest, money that does not exist. I explained how people like Elon Musk have ownership of very little. However, he has access to everything. We talked about how a company, for tax purposes, is treated. as if it were a person. The trick is to learn how that takes place and use it for your purposes. (I'm skipping the boring details)

            We talked about lies and liars. I asked him, "Do you remember that submarine incident a week or so ago?" And how they spoke about them having 36 hours or so of oxygen remaining, keeping the situation firmly at the center of our attention to find out that the US NAVY knew almost immediately that the boat had imploded with all hands aboard. I told my Grandson the Navy has vast experience with undersea sounds and knows what a boat sounds like when it's crushed. My question was, "What else was going on that week that was important but possibly needed a distraction? I offered him a thing or two that were going on that did not get the same level of coverage as there were some legal issues in Washington, DC, and some plea deal. I forgot the details. I told him of an individual who took a woman's life with a child using a stolen handgun; that story has three major problems. First, the accused perpetrator was a person of color. Second, the pistol used was stolen, and finally, the person will be charged with double murder or killing the mother and child. There are problems with the story's facts based on the possible contradictions with prevailing thoughts on those issues. I told him I used to say when I hear a story, I immediately think, "I wonder if that is true," but I have to add why they said it if it is false.

            We went on to "What are you going to do in your shop classes at the local trade school" In the future, you will have to choose a job in a trade or go to college with the result being a paying job that will cover the lifestyle he wishes to have. I told him, "Remember that if you borrow money to go to college at some point, that money will have to be paid back. You will have to weigh the benefits of a paid apprenticeship without the use of going to college. That will be his choice that will have to be made at some point, and that will be yours alone to figure out.

            We talked about the concept of military life and lawful orders. This thought was triggered by someone driving a front-end loader down the highway. I said now, that's been a while since I went one. I told him I was a generator mechanic. However, a phrase added to the bottom of my job description was "and all other assigned duties." Now the concept of a lawful order came up. I told him of a story of a Col who wanted lights to be blacked out at some point in some exercise. He gave said order which I relayed to my supervisor, who, while saying we are ready to complete this order as shown, however, this is the area of a contractor's construction area. If we interfere with their project, there will be command interest as to who, why, and who gave the order to do that. We did not have to complete the task we were ordered to accomplish. At some point, you will have to choose between doing what is right, based on your values, and being willing to pay the price to go against the stream.

            We discussed my history regarding my wife and her inherent distrust of all things female about me. Being a knucklehead gave someone a ride to work at some point, and I got a call for assistance at some ungodly hour, and I had to explain the why's and wherefores of that interaction. To be brief, I took what can be called a significant league azz chewing, which left no doubt on her position on the subject, regardless of my guilt or innocence. When my butt regrew, it was attached to a much wiser individual. I understood where she came from based on her history in previous associations and who I was when we first met. Yea, that was a rough one. I told him there should be only one person that one should take that level of criticism, and it is one chosen mate (if done respectfully in both directions). The discussion went to my escapade when I passed out in a parking garage, that had me in the hospital for two days. My wife put me on her shoulders to get me into a wheelchair to the ER. I told him I gave Nana BIG props for standing up when I needed someone to step in and handle business as I did for her a time or two.

     We finally discussed family. I asked what my purpose is in this family, is it for myself and what I need or want, or is it for someone else? He looked and said, me? That is correct. It is you. You and Nana come first; then I come in second or third. My needs go after I ensure you and the rest of the family's needs are met. If I put myself first, then it gets problematic for everyone. I told him family is my primary purpose; it is why I am here doing what I do daily. I can't answer others, as that is not my responsibility.

It was a good talk, and I look forward to doing it again soon. The middle grandson's appt with me is tomorrow. Being

 

Grandson discussion II

                                                  Grandson Discussion Part 11

 

Occasionally, I like to take my grandson aside for a discussion. Today's discussion started with logic and reason during male-female relations. I sent him a video earlier stating that I wanted to give him a practical example of our family.

          We have a granddaughter graduating high school next year. I laid out the costs for the airfare lodging for 6-7 days next year and laid those numbers out for him. Then I asked a question. Do you think the young lady graduating would like a check for $2000 instead of the cross-country trip for a week to see her crossover?   Well, that's the logic vs. emotion part of the equation. Guess who would rather pay the 2K and not travel to graduation, and who would not? I come from a place of logic that says it's okay for the 2k. Now I could insist and push my idea, but you know how that will go. It will fly like a Led Zepplin. I am not in the mood for an extinction-level event. So, we are going to the graduation. (Lord bless and says the same) 

          We then talked about his thoughts on eventually getting a car. And how he has to balance the overall cost of ownership car + insurance. Vs. The vehicle is "looking good," I am pleased he has the concept nailed down (for now). We looked at cars, what they would cost, and the payment when purchased.

The next topic was the subject of knives. I have a spring-assisted knife on my desk that I use to open boxes. It's fun to work the mechanism "just because." He asked me what the laws are for minors carrying knives. Ohio has no knife restrictions, with the following exceptions: schools and Courts. My suggestion is that because one can do, something doesn't mean someone should do something. For example, "It is perfectly legal for me to go to a restaurant or bar and get a beer." However, it is not advisable, seeing I'm in 5^th-stage renal failure and waiting for a kidney.

Additionally, you know what would happen if I came home a little tipsy. That would be a no-bueno situation if I were foolish to try it. I took this golden opportunity to quote some Bible."

1 Corinthians 10:23 (ESV) -- "All things are lawful," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful," but not all things build up." PAPI has to inject some divine wisdom occasionally to ensure he pays attention.

I will continue to bring up things to him, and my goal is to give him the information on all the subjects I can that I did not know when I was his age.

I'm just doing my grandfatherly duty.

Wages Vs Gifts

  

I just returned from an interesting discussion with my youngest grandson over breakfast. I made the young man oatmeal as he asked on my mornings when I do not have to go to my dialysis treatments. It all started with a question. "Papi, what do wages mean?" I told him it is a payment for something one does. "You understand that. No, Papi." Well, if one performs a service, that service is paid by a wage, meaning it is earned. "But what are you referring to?" Death Papi, what are the wages of death? OHHHHH, that's where you are going. So, I started "The wages of sin is death" (and my grandson finished the scripture by memory). After hiding the proud moment, I was having at the time. I then asked, what would that be if someone got something they did not work for and was done out of caring for another? After several perplexing moments where he blurted out what he thought I was thinking about to no avail, I said if I gave you five bucks to go to the store to buy whatever you wanted, what would that be? Several wrong answers later. I kept hammering at the question trying to make him think. OK, let's try this if you did something well, and I wanted to give you something, what would that be? "a reward" Yes, but what else would it be? He then had a look; you know this look (????????) OK, if it is your birthday and you get something you like, what would that be, he answered a present. Tell me the memory verse again, and we will figure it out. So, we said it together. The wages of sin is death, but the Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ, our lord. Now what is what you get just because? After looking at him with that (I don't get it to look), I said OK, say the scripture and see if you can get it. The wages of sin is death but the Gift. (the what?) the Gift (let's say that again), the Gift of god. OK, so what is it? (Computing noises for a second or two) it's a gift. There you do, son. It's a gift. And now, what is a gift? Do you get a gift for working? Before you answer, I'll tell you work is work and deserves a wage, so it's never a gift because you have to do something. (Trust me on that one). So, what is a gift? Is it something because you deserve it (no Papi)? OK, what then is it? Is it something I get just because I'm here (or words to that effect)? All right then, now we know that wages are for work and you earned it and not deserving of it; we also know that a gift is given just because, but because what exactly? Because you are giving it to me for free because I am here, and……  Because I'm your grandson and you love me. There you go. Good, so if we get wages, it means we worked for it and earned it, but a gift is because of no other reason than the father, and in my case, the grandfather wants to give it to you; it's free and without any other reason that you are a son. Are we good now? Yes. I thanked him because he gave me something to write about today. I want to thank his teachers at church because it caused him to continue to ask questions that will serve him well in and outside of the faith.

Easy password Security

     

                                                         Easy Password Security

  At some time, I'm certain we are all obsessed with the different passwords and codes one uses daily. I'm a retired systems administrator for a military medical clinic, which will stay anonymous. I have various passwords that I must have for the numerous systems for which I was responsible. I have a password system compatible with all military security protocols that are extremely easy to form and store securely. Two capitalized, two lowercase, two numbers, and. two special characters. This secret phrase strategy can appear overwhelming, yet it isn't as convoluted as it looks. I don't mean passwords in the usual sense. What I mean are passphrases. Something easy to recollect yet complex to translate and copy. That combined with an encrypted location (also password protected) to store them if one has upward of 7 to 10 passwords to remember. More on that later.

    Passphrases are the way to an important thought. Here is an example of a passphrase "!TH@Magn@Charta1215" This passphrase has all the components and the intricacy that is ideally suited for the current security conventions. The secret phrase above alludes to a verifiable occasion, location, or historical event. The Magna Carta was a document that was signed in 1215 AD. Notice what it isn't. It isn't your little girl's birthday or her name spelled in reverse. Not an occasion can't be straightforwardly connected with any individual or is accessible in a data set with anybody as a subject of that pursuit. The magnificence of this is that it is extraordinary to the essayist and has vast conceivable outcomes. It isn't attached to reality. The occasions can be fictitious, for example, (for Star Trek fans) [!TH@K0b@ya$h1M@ru], or Something almost identical and less perplexing. !TH@S1xD@yW@r67. (! The six-day war, 67)

     Having numerous passphrases available can be overwhelming; however, There are secure areas in one's work area where they are saved. In Windows, an encrypted password-protected folder can be created on the desktop to store the password list if it cannot be remembered. An application in the Microsoft Office suite makes securing an encrypted file easier. In the OneNote app, there is a provision for a secure file that can contain a list of passwords. Be sure a backup of the data is available in the event that it is forgotten, as it is difficult or impossible to recover if that event. Forgetting one's password and the complications can be tricky, but any security is better than no security.    Remember, numerous applications require passwords, and the number of applications that require complex passwords is expanding rapidly.   As stated previously, I used to work on a military network. We have Common Access Cards that allow entry into the secure network. So many of my colleagues had password lists under their desks that contain the passwords they use daily. This policy of keeping hard copy lists is a bad security posture. It can lead to a disaster if not managed correctly. I spread this message to my colleagues and customers; some have taken that advice to heart.    

Explain why universal physical truths are being replaced by thoughts based on how a person feels at any particular moment

 . The shift towards subjective truths is also fueled by the increasing importance of identity and personal expression in contemporary culture. Many people feel that universal physical truths do not adequately represent their identities and experiences. Instead, they seek to assert their own personal truths based on their unique perspectives and experiences.

While the emphasis on subjective truths has helped to bring attention to previously marginalized perspectives and experiences, it also has the potential to undermine the importance of objective reality and empirical evidence. This can have significant implications for scientific inquiry, as well as for social and political decision-making.

For example, if subjective feelings are given equal weight to objective evidence, this can lead to decisions based on personal biases rather than objective data. This can be particularly problematic in areas such as healthcare, public policy, and scientific research, where objective evidence is critical for making informed decisions.

In conclusion, while the trend toward subjective truths based on personal feelings and experiences can bring attention to previously marginalized perspectives, it also has the potential to undermine the importance of objective reality and empirical evidence. It is essential to balance the importance of subjective experience with the need for objective evidence and universal physical truths to make informed decisions and advance our understanding of the world around us.