what i fear

What I'm afraid of

I don't have a lot of fears from a personal perspective. I've seen a lot of stuff in the last 65 years.  I have two things of which that I genuinely fear; one is being alone, and the other is a success. I have the unique capability of making almost anyone at ease with me.  For some reason, its been this way all my life.

My Father taught me a lesson that I have never forgotten that lesson has always taken to heart. That advice was. "No one has the right to know what you think at any given moment unless you tell them." I have lived my adult life practicing this concept to the fullest. The only people that know how I feel are my immediate family and closest friends. To the rest of the world, I enjoy being an enigma engaging and cooperative looking for a win-win in every situation willing to do what is necessary for a successful resolution if it is possible. This principle is especially pertinent for people to dislike. I get a thrill when someone that I do not necessarily like has a reasonable opinion of me.  Because I value harmony above all else when it contributes to the benefit of the group, this has served me well in the 20 years of military service and the 18 years of civil service. I do not have to like someone to be able to work with them. The dark side of this talent comes into play in my personal life.

I can make friends at the drop of a hat. I find out what a person is about, and I use that information to build rapport. I had a selfish reason for doing that in April, I sent my wife to my retirement location so that I could complete the work needed to get our home prepared for sale. We rented an apartment in town and was alone. It took about two weeks for me to realize that there is a big difference from being by one's self to being completely alone. The voices that speak in the voluminous solitude attack unabated, exploiting the fears and insecurities that are always there.  The dark side is dealing with persons that do not have emotional stability; they mistake friendliness with something else. That something else is something that one can receive from another.  I will leave this right here.

My second fear is what do I do if I am successful if my plans come to fruition. What happens if my dreams come true? I am so used to making lemonade from lemons. I won't know what to do if things work out. This is such a foreign concept that I find the very thought terrifying. What I believe is what will happen is that I will do all those tasks that I know to do.  Pay debts invest correctly and take care of my family. That will be a one day at a time proposition. I guess that will be the best thing that I can do.