The Smell

What's that smell?

Sitting in my room waiting to checkout turn-in the car and go to the terminal, I'm feeling the pressure of the decisions that brought me to this point.  I decided in anger in 2011 a prideful decision that caused me to take a job that I hated. I was there for eight years. Now at the end, hours before my flight departs, I feel the voice in my head saying you can't do this; this move is too big for you. Rent an apartment and disappear.  But when one comes against the Big Why, my fear and hesitation fadeaway. 

            That why is the family I have acquired since then. Then why was formed when I faced my mortality and suddenly gave a crap about my life. I knew it was time for a change when after talking to my supervisor the thought "oh hurry the sweet embrace of death" came over me when I walked out of a counseling session for something that was not my fault to correct, as it was out of my control to remedy. I kept my composure and just said Aye, sir. The plan started being formulating at just that moment.  It was Stalag13 and I just joined the escape committee.

            Other things had to fall in place to make this happen. A phone call from a friend planted the seed. I learned that I could sell the house and keep the dough due to my age. I could take that money and make good use of it. Another piece was my daughter moving away with my grandchildren. It was for a good reason that she did.  My wife has stated a desire to be with her grandsons, and that was another piece.

            I proceeded to start saving money to pay off my credit cards to be able to pay for the repairs and move.  After selling my car and taking the proceeds, I begin to pay off my credit cards. Additionally, I started saving money to have a cash reserve. With that completed, it was we moved to an apartment and started the repairs.  With the repairs completed, I put the house up for sale after sending My spouse to our daughters' location. This was in April of this year when  I was sent to work from home due to Covid-19... The endgame began just as my wife departed. We crossed the point of no return when we received an offer to purchase the home. That process continues as the house is scheduled to close in mid-August.

            Now the changes in plans came hot and heavy. First, the initial plan was to rent a U-Haul and tow the truck on a trailer. Then the idea was to have a mover move the household goods. And put some items in a container.  Then two things happened first the Honorable Governor of the Great State of NM established a 14-day quarantine for visitors to NM, which knocked out my help that was flying in to assist. The second thing was my truck breaking down. I made the repairs and made a deal with my friend to sell the truck for me. This led to me being in this hotel room, waiting for my flight after I finish this. I'll be returning the car and checking in for my trip. Yes, I am feeling the .pressure of the decisions that have made. However, I smell the burning timbers and pitch. I am looking back on the burning hulk, which was the ship that is the representation of the decisions I have made up to this date. There is no turning back no matter how I feel at this point, that decision point has passed.