Hurry up and wait

Hurry Up And

                                                                              Wait

And there I was… is the beginning of almost every funny military story told in barracks worldwide and every language.  The concept of waiting is ubiquitous.  Having recently retired from civil service and being retired from the United States Air Force, I am well acquainted with the advanced concept of waiting. We waited for everything on active duty. We waited in the early days for the paymaster to bring the strongbox to hand out the payments while we were in basic training. That same paymaster handed out our checks at our 1^st assignment back in the day.  After we transitioned to electronic payment, we had to wait for everything else, albeit medical care, mail on deployment, and a lot of other things. However, these things listed above pale in comparison to the waiting at two notable times in my career.

 The first was the time immediately after the eruption of Mt Pinatubo in the Republic of the Philippines.  We were called on to drop everything, grab our personal bags, draw bags from the supply for the area of deployment, and wait. While we waited, we prepared equipment in the form of Generators. Forklifts tools tent packs potable water containers and tons of the things that a Civil Engineering Squadron takes to build a tent city and start recovery operations. We sat there from 0600 In the morning until almost 2300 hrs (11:PM) and was told to return to our homes. We had to unpack and store the equipment, as we were not going. They sent another base Yokota AB Japan to the recovery effort as the lead unit. We did send support units later (I didn't get to go), but they got the first call.

Years later, in 1996, I was in another unit that got the call to go to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to relocate units from Khobar Towers to Prince Sultan AB after the Barracks were bombed. We had built a tent city from the ground up. When we arrived, we were housed in a warehouse until we put up our tents and set up the electrical grid. That was my area of responsibility.  So, it was pulling cable in the desert heat and set up the power to get the AC, water, sewer, and airfield lighting all functional.  At the end of all that which took approximately 60+ days, it was time to depart. We were told to relocate to a staging area from where we would be hitching a ride on a C130 cargo aircraft. We waited, and waited, this adventure started about 0900 in the morning until 1800 in the evening. We were provided with box lunches hot bottled water in abundance, and we waited. Some slept on bags, and some milled around waiting for an aircraft that would never come. We came to understand the IFF (identification friend or foe) unit had failed, and the pilots were not coming to pick up some GI's that so happened to need a ride. I do not blame them. I saw plenty of Patriot air defense missile batteries that ringed about the base, let alone the country or region.  It all worked out for the best as we were later taken out of the country on a leased commercial aircraft. After one momentous announcement, "ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that we are no longer in Saudi airspace" carts full of beer rolled down the center aisle we were on our way home. We had a stop in Ramstein AB, Germany, for a charter flight back to the United States.  We were not the lucky ones. The Lucky ones flew to Camp New Amsterdam for a couple of days before they headed back to the United States.  Waiting, yea, I have done it. It has benefited me greatly over the years. I seldom get impatient waiting in line, waiting on hold, and just waiting in general. All I have to do is remember that day when the temperature reached 112-degrees outside waiting on an airplane that was not coming, and I know it's going to be all right… Eventually.

Being an usher a light in a dark world

Being an Usher (Being that light in a dark world) How to be a minister of assistance On being an Usher An excellent friend helped me to crystallize this thought that was poking at the back of my consciousness. That was how to render assistance or help on an independent basis without the involvement of a larger organization. This effort to be of help would be mostly local and at my discretion. Entirely my choice to do or not to do. My discussions with my friend and former coworker let the following concept—the concept of being an usher. Usher: verb show or guide (someone) somewhere. "a waiter ushered me to a table." synonyms: escort, accompany, help, assist, take, show, see, lead, show someone the way , lead the way, conduct, guide, steer, pilot, shepherd, or convoy "he ushered him to a window seat." The ways someone can help are diverse and numerous. At the minimum, it's being courteous and gracious to all and assisting others while and where one can. At maximum, it would require 1st aid training in the event one comes upon a grave need that could be met until official parties arrive, then fading into the crowd without recognition or praise. Do what is needed, then move on. This is not for extra credit, the blessing of monetary award. If that happens without one's influence, then ok, but we are not shopping for that just to be of service. For example, the Child lost and crying in the mall; an usher will not walk past. They will Shepard the young one to the nearest mall security worker and explain the circumstances waiting to be relieved or to being asked to stay with the young person until the authorities arrive. This endeavor is not risk-free. The possibility that your intentions will be questioned is genuine, and the only defense you can have is the truth that should not be avoided. When I was active duty military, I was required to take a course in self-aid, buddy-care, and CPR. That would be useful skills to obtain. Please note you are not a lawyer or advocate, but just a concerned citizen that wants to help. If the party does not wish to be supported, then report the incident to the authorities. The usher is then free to move on, knowing that the job was done to the best of one's ability. It is also not your job to break up and physical altercations. Rendering 1st aid is one thing participating in the melee is another thing altogether. Defending one's self is a judgment call that has to be made on the spot as I can't advise anyone on what should and should not be done. That is the risk of being an usher; there are no hard and fast rules or guidelines. This has the possibility that any encounter may not come out to one's advantage. The chance of a negative result as a result of being of assistance is s distinct possibility. That chance has to be assumed by anyone assisting anyone in a time of crisis. A person's motives will be questioned in the aftermath. Remember, this can be as small or as involved as one wishes to make it. I'm sure there won't be a problem with wheeling a patient being released from a clinic to a waiting vehicle. About the training, it will go a long way to explaining the circumstance of your aid of one is certified by a major national organization. A few are listed below and can are local to most locations. Resources: https://www.redcross.org/take-a-class/first-aid/first-aid-training The American Red Cross offers classes on 1st aid, and other entities do the same. https://www.nsc.org/safety-training/first-aid https://www.osha.gov/laws-regs/regulations/standardnumber/1910/1910.151 finally, there is a biblical reference to the concept. "What is the spiritual gift of helps?" Answer: The spiritual gift of helps is found in one of the spiritual gifts lists in the Bible. The Greek word translated "helps" in 1 Corinthians 12:28 is found only there in the New Testament; therefore, the exact meaning of the gift of helps is somewhat obscure. The word translated "helps" means literally "to relieve, succor, participate in, and/or support." Those with the gift of helps are those who can aid or render assistance to others in the church with compassion and grace. In the application listed above application, there is only the greater church of your neighbors and communities. This concept of being an usher, is what I was thinking about for months. It took a good friend that I served with and known for years to bring it home for me. This thought of being an usher is an outward expression of unrequited love for one's fellows.

The Smell

What's that smell?

Sitting in my room waiting to checkout turn-in the car and go to the terminal, I'm feeling the pressure of the decisions that brought me to this point.  I decided in anger in 2011 a prideful decision that caused me to take a job that I hated. I was there for eight years. Now at the end, hours before my flight departs, I feel the voice in my head saying you can't do this; this move is too big for you. Rent an apartment and disappear.  But when one comes against the Big Why, my fear and hesitation fadeaway. 

            That why is the family I have acquired since then. Then why was formed when I faced my mortality and suddenly gave a crap about my life. I knew it was time for a change when after talking to my supervisor the thought "oh hurry the sweet embrace of death" came over me when I walked out of a counseling session for something that was not my fault to correct, as it was out of my control to remedy. I kept my composure and just said Aye, sir. The plan started being formulating at just that moment.  It was Stalag13 and I just joined the escape committee.

            Other things had to fall in place to make this happen. A phone call from a friend planted the seed. I learned that I could sell the house and keep the dough due to my age. I could take that money and make good use of it. Another piece was my daughter moving away with my grandchildren. It was for a good reason that she did.  My wife has stated a desire to be with her grandsons, and that was another piece.

            I proceeded to start saving money to pay off my credit cards to be able to pay for the repairs and move.  After selling my car and taking the proceeds, I begin to pay off my credit cards. Additionally, I started saving money to have a cash reserve. With that completed, it was we moved to an apartment and started the repairs.  With the repairs completed, I put the house up for sale after sending My spouse to our daughters' location. This was in April of this year when  I was sent to work from home due to Covid-19... The endgame began just as my wife departed. We crossed the point of no return when we received an offer to purchase the home. That process continues as the house is scheduled to close in mid-August.

            Now the changes in plans came hot and heavy. First, the initial plan was to rent a U-Haul and tow the truck on a trailer. Then the idea was to have a mover move the household goods. And put some items in a container.  Then two things happened first the Honorable Governor of the Great State of NM established a 14-day quarantine for visitors to NM, which knocked out my help that was flying in to assist. The second thing was my truck breaking down. I made the repairs and made a deal with my friend to sell the truck for me. This led to me being in this hotel room, waiting for my flight after I finish this. I'll be returning the car and checking in for my trip. Yes, I am feeling the .pressure of the decisions that have made. However, I smell the burning timbers and pitch. I am looking back on the burning hulk, which was the ship that is the representation of the decisions I have made up to this date. There is no turning back no matter how I feel at this point, that decision point has passed.

Numbers 15,3

Numbers 15-3

An offering made by fire for a sweet savor unto the Lord.  

In 2006 I found myself alone a relationship. I was in blew up (and it was my fault). In my first apartment after the blowup, I realized I could not cook. It was getting expensive eating out every day. Then I discovered the food network. I will admit I had a MAD CRUSH on Nigella Lawson. I started watching “good eats,” and I learned how to boil eggs successfully without having them fall apart on me, how to have the shells melt away with a perfectly smooth surface.  I learned how to make spaghetti sauce from scratch. I had never bought Ragu except when I was in a mad hurry.

I always keep the ingredients on hand for homemade spaghetti sauce just in case I must whip up something at the last minute.  Next, I learned how to make homemade alfredo sauce. Now, this sauce was used as my closer on a couple of dates and has never failed. This recipe is not suitable for the vascular system with butter heavy cream parmesan cheese and garlic being the primary ingredients. I experimented with chicken, shrimp, and pork as secondary ingredients. I was finding that my confidence was growing over time, and I was able to make dishes that were incrementally more complex. Bringing a pot of bouillabaisse to a church potluck was just plain fun. The word was getting out first with the congregation, then to a few notable persons of the opposite gender that wanted to see if I really could deliver in the kitchen.  I tackled chicken, and the failures were impressive. Thank goodness I was the one eating it, as it was not my finest hour.

I eventually got the hang of it and added chicken to my repertoire. Cooking Pork was easy for me. The most fun I had was experimenting with pork ribs.  I stole (I mean adapted) a recipe from the show “good eats” Who love’s your baby backs I adopted the recipe as my go-to BBQ staple. They are known to my family as Papi’s ribs. For the longest time, I hesitated with steak so many times I messed it up having it much too rare or too well done I was looking for a balance, and in time I found that balance, but it took a lot of trial and error. I tried my hand at baking, I won’t say my peach cobbler was in the same universe as my Grandmothers, but my family enjoyed it immensely now my apple pie was off the hook. I enjoy cooking for my family, and they seem to like it as well now the things that I struggle with is cooking rice. I suck at it.

However, there are technological crutches that will cover a multitude of sins.  The latest addition to my kitchen arsenal is a pellet smoker I enjoy that mechanical marvel every time. I have been away from my family since April. I have retired from civil service and now are approaching a new career in the private sector. New adventures new possibilities. I heard about the wonders of curry, and I cannot wait to dip my spatula in the unique flavors and experiences that await. About Numbers 15,3 every time I pass a mom and pop BBQ spot, and I smell the aromas coming from that smoker I think of that verse every time.

The Run

The Run

Speeding across the desert at 350kts and 70ft over the desert. They were answering a call for assistance as the pilot and his four-ship element was on the way back to the barn. The call came and took precedence.   A  Special Ops element was in the withdrawal process when they were attacked by a hidden enemy directly behind them while waiting for dust-off. The adversary was visibly approaching from the east in strange-looking tracked vehicles and some exo-suited personnel in the lead holding large cannon-like weapons firing on the move. As one of the rescue elements approached, they diverted to the west as the four-plane element made its run. Having a successful mission before the call, they knew that there was still ordinance available for this rescue mission.  

   After being cleared hot on target, the choice was to hit the personnel in the suits 1st. They were dark metallic robotic shapes standing approximately 10ft. Tall. Inside they contained oral human-size operators. Three of them approached, followed by three tracked vehicles. The spec ops troops lazed the large running machines so that the missiles could find their way.   Three rockets were released, the smoke from their launch made them visible to the attackers. Armored attackers threw smoke chaff, and other electronic noise to evade the attack. Too bad for them, the missiles were command guided and struck with a blinding flash three times, one for each target one was stopped cold by the hit it paused, started smoking, then exploded. This event repeated three times by creating three smoldering wrecks in the sand.

Switching to bombs, the flight released the four remaining 1000 pound bombs amid the three pursuing tracks. As the smoke cleared, one heavily damaged track moved in the direction from which they came. It was not moving very fast. It was indeed out of the fight. The rescue elements returned to pick up the team and were heading south in the direction of the base. The Carrier in the distance waited for the returning ships. The flight circled until the troop carriers landed and unloaded their passengers, they were moved off the flight deck, making space for the returning flight. The landing was pretty much uneventful except for one thing. The Carrier was hovering about 2000 ft above the landmass they were fighting over. After stowing the gear, securing the planes' large, mighty doors closed, and the landing deck sealed. All ships company strapped themselves into acceleration chairs for transport to another destination. The lights dimmed to amber, and the sensation of motion began on which trip took about another 30 mins. Rising to a point approximately 200,000 feet above that planet that these men and women were departing. They were being docked into another ship in low orbit. After securing the Carrier within the gigantic transport, they were heading out. Going back home, it was over; for now, their rotation was over. It was 39 months to home at light speed to Proxima Centauri. It was a good thing they were going six times that fast. Home in about 6.5 months. Messages home were sent on a drone ship traveling at 15 times light speed, which would be only 2.6 months travel time. These messages included the after-action report in an encrypted portion of the ship's memory, with personal messages taking up all available message space. 

The crew never thought that within five years of 1st contact, they would be involved in an operation to secure this part of the galaxy. They considered how much the pay would be for being gone, 24 months travel, and mission time. This would blow the mind of someone born in the 2020s  

Fear is the mind killer

Fear is the Mind-Killer

The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/xed-xK4IOYU 

This premise is the thought behind this dissertation. 1st a little about me, I will let you all know my weakness, my Achilles heel. It is total abject Anger and Rage. I will tell you my fears; I fear success and failure. Knowing this, I will state for the record that I am a total CONTROL FREAK!!! I, however, do not need to control others. I have an intense/consuming need to control myself, starting with my emotions. I have a dread and intense fear of heights. I don't want to even be on a ladder, but for 20 years, I found myself in or on the following objects 100,000-gallon fuel tanks, worked in bucket trucks, and ran category five cables over the top of a 15 ton overhead crane (warehouse size). It was my job; it was something that had to be done, and fear had to be overcome. My pet peeve (the one relevant to this discussion) is TOTAL ABJECT MINDNUMBING FEAR!!! It causes a visceral reaction that triggers my anger and rage, but being the control freak, I try to throttle down my own emotions, as they can intimidate others.   I'm not talking about fears like drowning, dangerous animals, and fish when I talk about fear. Those are healthy fears. I'm speaking of the fear of things that do not have any capacity to harm anyone, bringing total panic (the jumping up and down screaming wildly in panic.)   This is why a person can control others when you (as an adult) cannot control yourself.

I survey my environment, especially when driving home from work. I try to think "what if" with the cars around me to have a preplanned course of action when or if the stuff hits the fan. Now Back to fear. With this being my pet peeve, let me tell you what I cherish and value most is COURAGE. The ability to work effectively when faced with the prospect of imminent harm to one's self or one's loved ones. The character I admire most in the movie saving Private Ryan was the sniper." Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight" The least favorite character was the TOTAL COWARD that let his buddy get run through with his bayonet by a German soldier and stood passively by when that soldier came back down the stairs. I felt this emotion coming up from my core. I wanted to beat him with my bare hands. I can't watch that movie again because that feeling I get in that scene is overwhelming. 

For me (unwarranted), fear is something to me that is so repugnant that I have to take control of myself and throttle myself mentally. I have to accept others in their paths in life, or it will consume me… When I get that way, I have to do something constructive of a physical nature, as it is difficult to be angry and tired at the same time.

Now I have used fear in the past to control others. I have two examples, one of fear and one of overcoming fear (It worked like a champ both times). There was a football game years ago (more like decades). I coached 10-12-year-olds, and we got down 14-0 in the 2nd quarter. They ran the multiple-  offense and ran it well. I thought of an easy solution: assignment football, as it would work at that level. Got the defense together told them to start with the Defensive Ends. If the QB comes your way running the option, CLOCK HIM whether he has the ball or not. Just hit him. It stated in the rule book, "any person running with the ball or simulating running the ball can be legally tackled."

I read the rule to the defense concerning people simulating having the ball to prove it, as I kept a rulebook in my pocket at all times. I said, "Son, if you can't make the play make a mess." gentlemen, I mean, hit him and let his ancient forefathers feel it. Do it legal and HARD!!! To the Linebackers, if the ball comes to your side, tackle the Fullback at all costs. The offside Linebacker pursues and hits the 1st person in an odd-colored jersey turning the corner to the tackles, making contact with the tackle/guard, and first disrupting the guard as he wants to block the onside backer, then penetrate. Corners, you have the pitchman (period); you can bust him and knock him down if he is behind the line of scrimmage, and he will pitch the ball to no one. Safeties, you have everything else because they might pass, so cover pass 1st run 2nd.

Now with those instructions, we went to work. Pitch came. WHAM, QB was on his butt, and the pitchman dropped for a loss (I'm smiling now). It went on with mixed results, but they didn't make the 1st down, so we got the ball back. We finally scored on a broken play (I'll take it). So it ended at 14-7 at the half.   Reinforced what I told them during the break, and the kids were excited. They got the ball 1st in the 2nd half. They kept running it and didn't catch on to what I was doing. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, the QB was having a bad day. Then it happened, he faked it tried to turn the corner, and the end got his facemask on the football and fumbled. The Linebacker scooped it up (he should have fallen on it), now 14-14. Both teams fought to a stalemate to the 4th quarter, then I noticed something. The QB always looked play-side when the option was called, and his hands were visibly shaking. The middle backer saw it too. I called time out. (I should not have, but it seemed like a good idea at the time)I told the defense we had them right where we wanted them, and I predict you guys will win the game on defense (because the offense was having trouble, as their defense was excellent). The end came late in the 4th quarter when (true to form) the QB's hands started visibly shaking again. He took the snap, saw the end, and pitched the ball, completely missing the back. The DB picked it up and took it straight to the HOUSE. 21-14, with 2 minutes left, we held on and won the game. That was due to the fear that we inspired.

Now for overcoming fear, in another Football game (this Time in Okinawa), I had this kid who could throw the ball. This time it was 11-13-year-olds. He had a problem because he looked at the rush instead of the receivers. I called a time-out after a sack when he held the ball too long (we had someone WIDE!!! open in the seam alone). "Son, we have a great game, don't we? Man, id buys a ticket to see this one."  I need to pull you so we can have a talk. You aren't in trouble, but I need to talk with you. We put the other QB in, moved the ball enough for our discussion, and went like this. Ok, I need to ask you a question. "If you are locked up in a fight with a dog, are you going to fight the dog or try not to get bitten?" he said; try not to get bitten, WRONG MY FRIEND!!! You are fighting a dog. He will bite you, and the best way to stop getting bit is to get the dog not to want to fight, so you have to fight with ALL YOU GOT to get that dog off of you. I noticed the confused look, and I brought it home for him. You are in a football game. Are you going to try not to get hit, or will you throw the DANG ROCK? We got guys running wide open, and they can catch. Trust them and put the ball where I tell you, and I promise you will score…  This was the 2nd game of the season.   Ok, this is the next call fake 32 dive pass. I'm sending the left side wide-out on a post. Just put it up and let's see what happens…  we ran the play, but this time he stood there looking for the receiver's break, and just when he released the ball, WHAM, the Linebacker clocked him. (I thought he would go for the fake, my bad) The ball hit the receiver in stride, and 63 yards later, TOUCHDOWN!!! I looked back at the QB. He was running to me, COACH, I DID IT. I said yes, you did. When we get back on offense, you can do it again. I also told him if we get the ball back right away, he can get started NOW. You are in at safety, so GET EM!!! YES, COACH!!! He ran out on the field, and the safety came off and looked at me. I said Dude; you are getting back in the game; trust me…   Suddenly there was a fumble, and at the bottom of the pile was the QB/safety, and he was jumping and screaming. (I think I unlocked a Frankenstein) ran a couple of dives with no soap, so I called a pass. (3 steps drop slant/hook/go both backs stay in.)  QB drops back. He sees nothing, then he takes off running. I YELLED WHAT YA DOIN (never mind) Touchdown… he came back to me smiling again, and I had this (faked mad look) DID I CALL FOR A RUN. He said no, coach… good job, son thinking on your feet cause there was nothing there. We won the game by three touchdowns. We made the playoffs that year and made it to the Super Bowl for our age group but lost 12-6. Stuff happens… The Pizza eased the sting of defeat. I was so proud of him. His dad told me later that he was a changed young man after that. I don't know where he is now, but I have a picture of him and the team in my office, and I am so proud of them.  

Fear can control you, or you can control yourself, as self-control is the ultimate goal of a control freak like me. To quote my father, "BOY, when you see me get scared, it's time to be scared."

P/S, you all know that courage is contagious, but so is cowardice…..

My older self meets my former self

My older self

Here I am waiting at the bar in the Salias international hotel in Manila, Philippines. It was in 1983.

I'm waiting for someone he is in a cab, and if I have my time right, he should be entering the lobby right about "there he is" I know which way he will be traveling and I know why he is here. So, I sit in his path he glances at me takes two steps and stops cold. You should see the look on his face; it is a much younger version of Me, a 65-year-old man that he is thinking looks remarkably like his father. Salt and pepper hair six-foot-tall about 200 lbs I say Hey Manny, how are you. I see the surprise on his face, so I tell an elaborate lie. Remember your uncle Luther you met in 1973. I am his son.

My name is Oliver. He states that's his middle name. He asks, why are you here? Well, your cousins in Kansas were tracking down relatives, and we heard about Jessie Mae and what happened. We are deeply sorry for your loss. I work for a company that does business in this part of the world. We were looking for you for the best part of a year.  We have already spoken to Jimmy, and he thought it would be great if we could meet, so here I am.  Have you got some time to talk?  I know he does because his date will not be here until tomorrow afternoon. I also know what he is planning for this evening. (I smile knowing he won't make it) she was bad juju anyway.  So young man, what are you drinking, I know its either Gin and roses or a long island Iced tea. Gin and roses, but I changed the Gin from the cheap crap to Bombay Sapphire.  One sip and it was all over no more cheap gin for him anymore. We talked about his decision to join the USAF. I agreed, and he gave me a rundown of what was going on in his life.  Boy, was I off the chain back then.

            Then it was my turn. Manny, I want to give you the benefit of my experience, and if you apply, it will change your life forever. Bout the running around you are doing. When it comes to the ladies, "all money ain't good money."  I'm not saying to stop what you are doing. I am saying that you need to know who and what you are dealing with and do not invest emotion into a situation that is not going to make you happy, and walk away from the ones that don't. About your friends, I know you have some. Pick carefully to find out what they are about, and it is not the direction you want to go in don't go with them. Only associate with people that are further up the road than you are Physically Career-wise, emotionally, and Spiritually. They can lift you to their level; the rest will pull you down to theirs. You have a job to do, do it, and lead people and don't be led by the unworthy. You are not responsible for the decisions of others, just yours, and being accountable to whom you report whether you like them or not.  Respect the rank or position if you cannot respect the man (they will not know the difference) always be 100% formal, especially with the ones you can't stand.  Do stuff you can't stand. Set yourself apart or do your job better than anyone else.  Finally, how much was this hotel stay and how long are you staying. Well, I am pretty sure you are off Friday seeing this is Thursday, so how long are you here.  Until Saturday night (he said), That is good you will need a day to recuperate.   About money, do not spend it all. They live like a beggar for the remaining time until uncle sugar pays out again. Save enough to have two grand (untouchable) just in case trust me you will need it. Do not buy junk.             Remember that Gin and roses, how much better were that than the stuff you usually drink. The dough you save and invest now will save you a mountain of grief later trust me 10,000 sitting somewhere means you can move freely without worrying about anything. Buy a cheap as hell car until you can save the cash to buy something beautiful.  And I know you know this because of what your parents taught you. The Borrower is servant to the lender.   Do you have any questions my advice will make you a rich man when you look like me, and you will?   Oliver, how do you know all these things. I said, son. This is the wisdom that comes from experience. Mostly painful experience.  A word of advice do not do what you are planning to do tonight, consider what we talked about, and tomorrow will be more fun than you can imagine. Trust me.  Life will show you things in time that prove all the things I told you and you will benefit from them

            Now I'm returning home; it's a long flight. The 1^st thing I notice is that I got upgraded to 1^st class on the way home. I'll take it. The 2^nd thing I noticed was the car keys that I packed in my bag. I go to my spot and hit the lock button, and I saw the lights flash. It was not the care I drove to the airport in, but it was a new Lexus SUV.  I put my bags in and started the car and hit the navigation, and it did not point to an apartment, I had my daughter house sit while I was gone, she met me in the driveway, but I did not recognize the house was magnificent, as was my wife Oh damn it wasn't the wife I left. I did not remember her, but she adored me. Now I'm scared, forget scared, I'm terrified I now know the gravity of what I had done in talking to my former self I changed the course of my life. I checked on my old family, and they were ok. My grandsons were doing just fine, but I was only an observer of their lives from this point onward, and I started to cry. I would do what I could from the outside, helping them along the way.

There are no do-overs (without consequence); do it right the 1^st time.

Ruth in reverse

Ruth

(in reverse)

I met this lady in 2009; I was between situations as my last relationship crashed and burned. I provided the match to a known volatile situation. It would take years for this distant friendship to develop into a relationship and then a marriage. At that time, I was emotionally compromised. I found myself in a spot that handled a need for companionship but did not quite make the cut for a relationship. That is the beginning of this story.

  The acquaintance became a friendship, which in turn grew into a relationship and a marriage. We both had issues that needed resolution. We were married at my home and started being a family.  Now she had two daughters; one had children that were doing fine. The other had challenges.  She, like me, had previous situations, and those situations placed stress on her and her mom. Her sons two and then a third. Hit me in this special place in my heart.  I am keen on the concept of raising productive and well-adjusted men, and their situation at that time was not advantageous to that end. I, at that point, was the Patriarch of that portion of the family. I am looked up to for counsel and advice.  Two relationships did not go as well as could be expected.    While remaining in the leadership position, I noticed that the other people in this situation with her were not as invested in the young men as they were in her. (love me love my kids) one of these men was the father of two of my grandsons. (that is another story for another day long from now) The daughter was industriously receiving a bachelor’s degree and then a master’s degree and was working diligently to make a home for her and the boys. Striking out on her own, she started a new career in the city of Columbus, OH.

 I was closing in on Civil Service retirement as I had already retired from the United States Air Force. That is 38 years in federal service in one way or another.  Plan A move to a different location and start a humble existence living with my bride and visiting the grandkids when appropriate. Plan B move into proximity of the Grandchildren of one parent or another and set up a new life being retired. Neither one of these worked as planned. I am in the process of selling the house, getting another job after I retire from civil service, and moving to be in close to the grandsons in their location. Yes, Columbus, OH.  At this point, Ruth, in reverse, comes into play. Instead of Ruth following Boaz, Boaz is following Ruth as she wants to stay involved in the grandchildren’s life.  What I have not told (which is another story) is that I, in my lowest moment, prayed for another chance to be the parent that I was meant to be. This prayer had the full chorus of crying, despair, and the requisite amount of repentance, as I was sincere in wanting to be better at being the mentor, I longed to be.  I am weeks away from the moving vans truck haulers and airline flights that will take me to where my wife and daughter reside The wife having relocated there in April of this year for me to prepare for the sale of my home.  My daughter has found an individual that wishes for the same things that I want for the boys. In a surprise move, he flew here and stayed with me for two weeks doing the heavy lifting that was instrumental in my receipt of a full price offer on my present home. I am now in the process of acquiring a home in Columbus, OH.

Additionally,  area and have an offer on the table for a new home.  This home will be the residence of all the members of this new merry band of nomads seeking a place to call home I could not leave three young men to the wolves of society without being there to assist them.  I told the young man that I am not his dad; however, I offer the benefits of my previous mistakes and mentorship in the future.  

Ruth 1:16 She answered: Be not against me, to desire that I should leave thee and depart: for whithersoever thou shalt go, I will go: and where thou shalt dwell, I also will dwell. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

Immortality

Immortality

                                                             (How to live forever)         

The list of Immortal people is long and extends throughout known history. Sun Tzu, Jesus, Mohammed, Guttenberg, Louis Pasteur, Lord Nelson, George S Patton Douglas Mac Arthur, Xerxes, and King Leonidas, the list is endless. All these individuals have something distinctive to all of them; they are all remembered. In some cases, these people have been gone for thousands of years but remembered nonetheless and spoken of regularly.

My Fathers, Father, Benjamin Franklin Crawford, was born in Kansas in 1866.  My Father Eugene Oliver Crawford was born in December 1908, and I was born in 1955., my daughters were born in 1981 and 1984, how do I know my grandparent, and my father still lives. Various reasons I look like my father.  I sound like my father, especially when I have to be “serious.” And at special times I open my mouth, and my father comes out as in “Son, what did you do? Wait, take the time, and get your lie straight.” That is how I know they still live because the words still live inside me.  The memory of how these flawed human beings navigated through this life is an example of what to and what not to do. 

These are just memories of my family. How many more stories of what mom and dad in their lives are remembered.  How much more multiplied by the billions that have followed to this date. I initially spoke of historical figures in the beginning. Characters from which our cultural consciousness has grown. My experience is not unique. I have seen cultures that have annual pilgrimages to the gravesite, remembering lost loved ones.  In some Asian traditions, the graves of the departed are cleaned as part of their remembrance.  The young participate as these traditions are hands down to posterity.

    Remembering the courage of our heroes makes it a virtue of having courage. Knowing that someone persevered when it seemed impossible, Leonidas and the 300 will never be forgotten, as their deeds live on long after their death. In something like 480 BC. These deeds live on as do the doers of these exploits.  

All the people and their deeds are remembered and will be for an exceedingly long time. It is our mission to have a presence in our families' lives in particular, and society in general to have an impact that is memorable and at the same time to remember our loved ones to keep their spirit alive. It is in that way we carry the banner of our family’s legacy forward for future generations.  I was so moved by talking to Theodore and Tabatha as this is was the very 1^st time I have viewed them and formally introduced to them as their Grandfather is now my mission to become indelible to them so I will not fade away into a distant family history. That is a daunting task as I have so much time that has gone by where I was out of contact with them.  The good thing is that my daughter Jennifer has seen them and is a marker to a grandfather that existed only in legend to this date. 

     What I can say is remember your family, love your family, and keep the feelings sharp noting only the good things what happened in your time with your mom. This is a marathon and not a sprint.  The time you take to reach some sense of normality is yours and yours alone. Its your pace that counts and that you own totally.