Monster of the mind.
"The monsters of the mind are far worse than those that actually exist. Fear, doubt, and hate have hamstrung more people than beasts ever have". CHRISTOPHER PAOLINI
This week I let myself down. It was not a failure because I did not act on it. It started this Monday morning I saw my supervisor waiting for me in the hall as I entered. What I did not do was to suspend my routine of personally greeting my coworkers and honestly asking about their weekend in the most basic (and brief) way. I know the bad news was coming and it could wait (as could he). Upon entering my office. He inquired as to my lack of success in configuring one of my systems for internal internet access and why has this taken so long to complete (well it wasn't yet). The truth is that the communication with the vendor has been less than successful. Now the tech on the vendor side is a consummate professional and was at a loss to figure 1st why we could not communicate and then why the system was not working. Then the negatives started. My monster was awakening whispering into my ear. “You are a grown ass man who in the F^&* is he to talk down to you like that. You are 63 years old you are just one FU from getting this bastard out of your life”. This was my internal message what came on the outside was “Sir I will keep banging on it until we bring it into line. He made some negative statements he saw the look in my eyes then cracked a small joke that lightened the move. I thanked him for that when he left. What I did next was NOT to work on the Issue it was to go to my social security page and get a calculation of what I would be getting if I flushed this down the toilet. I wasn’t happy about that. Oh, I could swing it, however, as a GS-11 step 6 in the IT career field it was like kicking myself in the balls just to prove a point that would not matter a dang to them but would matter a lot to my family. Then the new man stood up. Manny really? You are going to let this situation and that man affect the future that you have worked over 37 years developing really dude you will really show them. Show them how to exactly blow up your life and get laughed at (for a good reason) in break rooms for a while. It would go like this “Crawdad (my nickname since the military) was one of the coolest guys we ever met always helpful and this one time he lost it. I wonder where he is now”. The contractors would say the slot is open we can get into the Dark side of the force and get in the GS system.
That was Monday we tried to get it working all week with no success when in the conference call with a vendor (on Friday) the light went on (FULL ON) when he asked “Ok let’s go into Internet Explorer and put the default web page in the browser and see what happens. OH SHIZNIT!!! The server did not have Internet Explorer installed I got the server from the Information assurance guys, and it did not have internet explorer working due to some sort of Group Policy. This is the crux of it installing the vendor's software automatically sets up IIS (Internet Information Services) Well IIS was configured, but without IE Internet Explorer it wasn’t going anywhere. I started to laugh I had a song in my head “It wasn’t me” By Shaggy, I walked into the supervisor’s office and asked “Sir can I have a word?” I mean in my office. Where the tech was on speaker, and he outlined the problem to him, I tried to suppress a smile (unsuccessfully) I told the boss I am here to get this done, and once we get past this hurdle (more like a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the foot) we will get it down. Then informed the other sections of the problem and started to let them develop a workaround until a permanent fix was achieved. You should have seen the look on the man’s face while I was suppressing a smile (with limited success)
The aftermath I worried my wife, raised my blood pressure, and gave myself aggravation over something that was not my fault. If I had listened to the inner monster, I would be trying to think of a way of shrinking my lifestyle into a package that is about 50% of its present size. Oh, I am going to retire, but it will be on my timetable and not some monster that I keep locked up for a reason. I take leadership in my family seriously and to see the look in the eyes of my wife was unsettling. I’m not here to instill fear in others, but I saw it, and it gave me pause. Since taking the stance that the only way forward is through I have battled the “old man” from time to time. He tries to assume control, and I have to invoke my stoic calm to get past it. Emotional control is something I strive for and for the most part it is successful. That is why I don’t do Politics, the news or negative media. I want to be that beacon on the hill where my family can look up to me and for the people that I look up to 1st being my in-law’s as I hold myself accountable to them. I told my father in law “POP.” You have leadership issues on your end of I-10. Don’t worry about this end of the highway as I GOT THIS. I have people that look up to me, and I have to have my Shiznet together. To quote Eugene Oliver Crawford “, this is yours you made it now make it the way you need it There was a concept when I was active duty sometimes you have to bite from the Doodoo Sandwich. We all do. Bosses Officers and leaders get a more significant portion than you get. So make it the way you like it cause you ARE going to have to eat it. I like mine with mustard mayo a slice of Bermuda onion the hotter, the better.
It not what happens to you its how you deal with it.
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