Where My Heads At

Where My Heads At  

I find myself in a place of disappointment today. Not at anything external but internal. There is a decision on a life change that involved some risk that I am about to initiate. I only have to send an email to my VA primary care physician to get the ball rolling.  That is not the problem, the problem is the hesitance I feel in making that call or sending that email.  Those are the facts. My disappointment is in why am I hesitant. It is the fear of the unknown the unexplored territory, and what will come after.  That’s the problem.  I am a novice Stoic. This whole process is an anathema to what I am coming to learn and believe.  I am the master of my thoughts and emotions, but my feelings (and not the facts) stand in my way.  The number one thing that I have completed in this vein was to become an IT person after being a generator mechanic in the U.S.A.F for 20 years. I believed this would give me a future that wanted for myself at the time.   I will make that decision at the competition of this writing as it accomplishes something I need to do for my day to start off with a WIN.

    I also want to be a writer, novelist. I however am stuck in the infancy of this as this is another one of those transitional periods just like when I was becoming an IT professional after retirement from the US military. I retire from Civil Service in another 5 years 1month, and 22 hours from the moment of this writing. I am in the midst of another transitional period. Once more moving from the comfortable to the unknown.   

    On the other hand there is a lot good news.   I am writing this was the goal the fact that I started writing again is something that makes me happy and encourages me to do more.  Additionally, my finances are coming into more order than chaos as of late.  That goal will be met by this time next year. I am happier than I have been in a long time. Because, the accomplishment of the above, (despite my disappointment) and the realization that I have great friends both old and new. Some that have not seen me since I left So Cal in the 80’s, and of course my family.  I have 4 Daughters all accomplished strong women 2 from the natural course of events and 2 through the family blending process. 10 grandkids.  Now I mention this because one of my daughters lit the fuse on this transition 6 years ago.  In a Daughter Father discussion she told me the truth about myself. That was the catalyst of this transition. Another daughter (of the same name) introduced me to the other reactive agents in my life her sons.  I am not going on a dissertation on the need for young men to have strong male leadership especially in this age, but I think you get the point.  I see a need and am trying to be an example. This is another reason for the change.

I have to control what I can control which is little. Today I wrote after a long drought.  By close of business tomorrow I will have contacted my Doctor conserving another change which at this point is at the conceptual level.