Saturday, February 4, 2017

Why wasn’t I told???

                                                                Why wasn't I told
      
    I spent an exciting evening on our weekly Friday date night a couple of weeks ago.  My wife and I went to see “Hidden Figures.”  I remember that time in history very well I was 8 years old I was fascinated by the space program I had model aircraft and books about space travel. I remember a lot of things from that time except for one thing. I wasn’t told of the contributions of my people in their participation in the space program. I was an impressionable child only heard how I could not do a thing because it was “not for me” at that time I had a love for mathematics that died on the vine as it was not nurtured and watered.  Playing ball was encouraged, music was encouraged, but academic study was not. At least not by anyone to whom I could relate.  My parents were not highly educated, they were strong in common sense, but not “book learning” as my father was taken out of school in the 3rd grade to help the family work to survive. My brothers and I were the 1st to go to eventually go to college, and I was one of the few that finished.

I left the theater with a sense of anger and outrage. Why was it essential to withhold that particular piece of information from me? Why did I have to wait for another 54 years to learn of the accomplishments of the black women of NASA?  I know the Langley NASA research center area well. My 1st military duty station was at Langley AFB VA. I drove near that area every week doing dailies on my generators near the perimeter of that facility. I would routinely look at the buildings and some of the test equipment from a distance and wondered what they would develop next.
As stated earlier I had a keen interest in things related to flight and space travel.  As an impressionable child of 8, I could see the direction of my life taking another branch on the road not traveled. Another lost opportunity; the kicker is that I did not know it was lost until late 2016 or early 2017.  I ask why, but I understand why. It’s because the heroes of that period were black, yes it was racism, not the watered down diluted “this offends me” racism of the 21st century it was the real honest to God unadulterated, undiluted racism that my mother and father warned me about back then and the racism I learned to deal with in my youth and still do to a lesser extent today. It however still exists. I still remember the Democratic Governor of Alabama “standing in the schoolhouse door” I also remember Lester Maddox wielding a baseball bat running a man out of his restaurant on national television.

I actually know why I wasn’t told; it was because any semblance of hope for a positive future given to a younger generation would be turned to power; educational power and achievement, political power and the ability not to be fooled by silly unfounded lies and half-truths, and economic power. The only thing that racists fear more than the gun.  The achievements of these women not only were above their peers but exceeded the ability of their “so-called betters”  These women played the game by the existing rules until those rules stood in the way of the mission getting a man into space.  This level of courage is nonexistent these days.  Today’s courage is the courage of the anonymous. Today’s courage hides behind the false bravado of the internet with its mask of secrecy reminiscent of the KKK.  It is actually cowardice of the highest level hiding behind the home router firewall to spew that vitriolic poison on normal people.  It is the same courage that started a fire in Berkeley University to silence someone in which they disagreed.  I did not agree with the speaker as well, but I prefer to use the quote from the Rameses in the movie the 10 Commandments “Let him rave on so all may know him mad.” 
A special acknowledgment goes to the person or persons in the shadows that finance that type of suppression.  How many scholarships could be funded as opposed to funding mayhem?  I felt myself falling into the abyss of bitterness, but then I remembered the words of Psalms 73: 2-17[i]

I also remember the kindness that I have been shown in those years. I fully recall the encouragement that I have received and still receive from my family both natural and extended; these are My Bro’s, and Sister’s the surrogate mothers and fathers that I have been blessed with knowing all these years. I remember great meals, the warm rooms in the back when I had no place to go. I am also grateful for the few times I received stern guidance that has proven to be invaluable over the years.
It is my mission today to be that mentor as I was mentored.  Passing down the knowledge and wisdom  I have received through hard experience.  It is a good thing that the truth was finally told. It is my greatest hope some 8 year old grabs that truth and holds on to it for dear life and uses it as fuel for their future.  Oh there will be one that will and I guarantee you will hear from them


Friday, January 6, 2017

Hey Manny how that I have your attention let’s talk.


And there I was, minding my own business in a hospital room at 2 AM in the morning on Christmas Eve.  I was alone in my thoughts. Please note that I at no point heard voices from beyond, but I was allowing myself to be led in my thought process.  I did begin to think and reflect on how I got here. In a room hooked up to several monitors and breathing pure oxygen. My bride has gone home for the evening for about 5 hrs. Earlier. The incessant peeping was keeping me awake.  My arm hurt from the presence of the 18 gauge the umbilical cord that was providing me a steady stream of antibiotics steroids, and various other medications.

 In these Thoughts, I reflected on my Grandchildren, all of them near and far.   I felt sad because I have not completed my task of helping to prepare them for a world that is more complex than anything I experienced in my youth.  The Pity party was trying to start.  Then I considered how I got here.  At some point, after Memorial Day weekend I contracted something that slowly ate away at my lung capacity and culminated in my being in this hospital bed. I had a couple of warnings. I had an episode at work that got me on an operating room table with a probe and dye exploring the inner reaches of my heart.  Not only did they fins mt heart, but it was 100% functional with zero blockages.   I just thought I was just out of shape.  I would get to that in time. I was the president of a very small nation, the procrastination.  I was feeling sorry for myself.   At that point, I thought of my mistakes my missteps and my many failings in my past.  At that time I finally admitted to myself that I still was holding on to a couple of them.   I have not felt worthy of redemption.  My task in life is to assist others to get to their potential, but I was too far gone because of the things that I have done. I have been a hypocrite and not following my own advice “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure ensure you have put on your oxygen mask before helping others.”

I have come to an impasse in my life. I did not believe that I deserved anything good, but at the same time, I wanted to be an example to my grandkids, and an inspiration to my family. Those goals I now know are mutually exclusive (you can’t do both).  I have to allow myself to be blessed to bless others.  So I believe that the fact I was allowed to work this thing out for myself.  I do have a relationship with the Almighty, Higher power, Creator, Supreme Being, or Jesus Christ if you will. I, however, have been running from it due to my personal guilt. Yea I know it’s on the dumb side. My intent, however, is not to proselytize, but just to tell a story. I was too hard-headed to do what is necessary because it’s hard.  My Parents use d to say “A hard head makes for a soft behind.   The hard thing is actually not fighting for what I want in life. I have wishes, but before my journey of self-awakening, they were not that important to me. In the cosmos of ideas, dreams are useless unless there is a plan. After beating myself up for two days, I made some promises to myself.  
  1. Barring injury to myself by circumstances I cannot control I will do everything within my power to extend the duration of my existence on this planet to be there for my family.
  2. I will make every effort to become more spiritual in my life and develop a deeper relationship with GOD. Spirituality=Good, Religious = not as good.
    I will set goals for the aspects of my life that need attention (all of them)
  3. I will relieve myself of the things that are holding me back and links to the past that I wish to be rid of.  Caveat. I have genuine friends that understand where I am coming from and they will not be abandoned ever.
  4. I have dreams that I need to pursue and will pursue them.  
  5. Take every opportunity to attack my personal debt position.

So this was the outcome of my come to Jesus meeting. It was not that bad. The Task now is to execute that plan. 

Since the original writing of this blog, the following things have happened.  I on Jan 15, 2019, underwent gastric bypass. At the time of the initial drafting of the original blog post, I weighed 345 Lbs. As of today 5 May 2019 I weigh 258lbs. I sold my 2013 Camaro and used the returns to start attacking my debt this in concert with my tax return this year, the goal of debt freedom appears closer than ever.  To date, I have returned to the gym intending to reach my goal weight of 218lbs.