I have been dealing with something for a long while. It's not a bad thing, but it was a life-changing experience. It changed my life from one that was moved and swayed by things like politics, the news, and external events. It changed to things more internal and, to be more lasting. It would seem that life, motivations, and things have more substantial effects on my life. It was this simple thought. Life is a moving sidewalk...
For you special people that have flown Delta Airlines and traversed the USA, you have stopped at one time or another in ATL or Atlanta or Hotlanta, as some of my friends have called it from time to time. It has Very long` moving sidewalks... I don't know when it hit me exactly, but it was about 18 months ago I made the rigid connection between that moving sidewalk and my life. That is the impetus for the massive change in my life... It wasn't overnight, but it led directly to my change in job, marriage, and my new family status. It started with the dissatisfaction of now I was living. I wanted something lasting, and the way I was living my life was not conducive to that kind of activity. I thought of what I was doing and how it was perceived (mainly by me)In my work life, I was doing something much like marking time in my life. I could do most of that job and not think about it. It paid very well, but deep down, I felt like it was not recognized for what it was. It was an IT position that required IT knowledge, but it was not recognized as an IT position... It at 1st upset me, but I realized it was the way it would be, and any anger and stress in my life were not going to fix it.
In my personal life, I saw a situation I could not change. What I was doing was fun, but it would lead anywhere I wanted to go. So it changed as well. The hard part was the change. It was safe and fun, but my personality was not well suited to that life. I have a part of my heart that I cannot turn off like a switch and that life requires that I do not engage my heart in concert with my emotions. It was mainly mechanical… don't get me wrong, I have great friends and people I met through that time, and it wasn't them. It was me that could not deal with it. Back when I initially moved out of my home when my last situation ended, the most challenging part of dating was seeing the door closing and me still being alone in my apartment, room, or house. That went on for the better part of six years. It got worse as the days, weeks, and years passed.
If I have to put a date on the initial planting of the seed of this life-changing moment, it would have to be July 9, 2009, when I lost a perfect friend. It was a Monday. I found my sister from another mister she had passed from this life to the next. Her transit on the moving sidewalk was over, as she had reached the transit point to the next life. The thing that gave me satisfaction and peace was knowing that there was nothing left unsaid between us. She, in fact, just put a bid on a beautiful house just that Friday. It was a happy moment, and with another friend, we parted with a hug, a sincere I love you, sis, and I saw her last driving away waving and smiling.
That Monday was hard. I was gone for the weekend. I felt guilty I wasn't there for her when she most needed me, but how did I know? How could I know? That's the hard truth; we never know when our ride on the moving sidewalk is over.
I went on after my grief, not knowing what was growing inside me. I wanted something, just didn't know what, and I reached out for something, but it was something I wanted to change because of it, but I found myself adjusting to accept it, and it was in a direction that I deep down did not wish to for a lifetime. You see, you can't externally change anyone. To paraphrase a famous coach, "They are who you think they are." You see, change comes from inside, not outside. My shift was starting to take root, and it affected my personal and professional life. That process takes years to complete, and I don't think we ever really do end it entirely.
I was told the two people in relationships make two typical mistakes the man thinks the woman won't change, and the woman thinks the man will. (That one is for free) This time was primarily spent doing what I was doing and not being happy. I didn't trust anyone. Everyone's motives were suspect. I looked for a flaw, and I usually found it. I projected a self-fulfilling prophecy on others, and the truth was it as easy as most provided the information that would confirm my suspicions quite readily. I saw situations and people that I envisioned myself being a part of, but some mitigating circumstances would worsen. It happened more than once. It's terrible to invest feelings into a situation that practically you know without a doubt will end poorly. I could not move further down that road as I wouldn't tell someone what to do, get into their family issues, or otherwise try to change something that I had no business getting into… In case any of you are looking for details that ain't happening.
Professionally I relaxed as it was what it was and unless I would make a situation for myself. I just needed to keep my head down and ride the tide. When I relaxed and chilled, and basically matured like that cheese in the cheeseit commercial. When I was ready, the change came upon me totally unexpectedly. I got a phone call from a mentor; he was the person 14 years earlier who laid out the blueprint for my career change from a Generator Mechanic/electrician to a computer person, a geek, if you will. He told me of a position at my present place of employment that was coming open, and if I wanted a shot, throw my hat in the ring and see what happens. I was promised nothing other than the shot to compete. I wanted nothing else but an opportunity. I felt like it was a chance, just a chance to be a legitimate computer person in a recognized career field instead of being listed as a computer, clerk, and assistant. I am a realist, and I understand why it was that way; the truth of the answer to that situation is the same answer that I give in reply "It's business, not personal." They had their way of doing things, and it was above the pay grades of all my immediate leadership, and it was not anytime soon going to change, and I understood that. I, however, had the option for the 1st time to get a shot at something else. Once again, it was business and not personal. Heck, I miss my people every day a day does not pass when I think of them, and when it gets unbearable, I shoot an email or, if I'm fortunate a call.
I used to get wrapped around the axle about politics; I don't anymore. I do care, but I will not expend energy on things I can't control. I have beliefs that are primarily conservative/libertarian, but that's for me. I do have a problem with short memories. I will give you an example I don't like war, and I'd rather not see it happen. However, I know how mankind has found its way to have one constantly from (at least) 2500BC to the present. On this moving sidewalk, history didn't start when you were introduced to it by your parents; the sidewalk has been moving since the words LET THERE BE LIGHT were uttered eons ago. I know who was on what side at times past. Historical side notes: When the Germans invaded Poland from the west, the Russians invaded from the east as they had a deal splitting the country in half in 1939. That deal ended in 1941 when the Germans invaded Russia. As a student of history, some things may seem new, but they are ancient indeed. I'm leaving it at that. I will say that conservatives do what conservatives do, progressives do what they always do, and I can tell the difference for myself, and sometimes there is common ground. I don't get wrapped around the axle about it anymore. I ain't got time for the anger, frustration, or anything else. I have things that require my immediate attention. I have 8 grandkids, a wife, daughters, natural and otherwise, a challenging job, and folks that look at me for direction. I am incredibly proud of my children and grandchildren. I agree with DL Hugley when he says, "A boy can't be a man until he sees a man." I got stuff on my plate, and I will deal with the things I can influence and change and BUMP the rest.
I used to gauge my day by the feedback of others. I don't think any more people are inconsistent and can change from the hour or the minute. I see this all the time, professionally and personally. I can't gauge my day on how a boss, wife, or co-worker is doing at any particular moment. That is a recipe for being upset regularly. I see self-centered, petty, controlling, and out-of-control people. I also see those in tremendous amounts of stress making the best of it every day. The solution for my journey on the moving sidewalk of life is to be the best Manny I can be, allow myself to make a mistake, be scared, but never think this is the end of life as we know it. If the Mayans are correct, you need to love yourself and your loved ones even more than you know… if the Mayans are wrong, the same thing applies. Because it doesn't matter as you don't control it. Will Israel attack Iran, I don't know, and I don't care because I can't control it. Who will win the nomination? I care a little because it affects how I will vote, but it really doesn't matter at all at Casa Del Crawdad on Patagonia drive. My goals are to get out of the majority of my debt before January 21, 2013. That can be preempted by the Mayans or Nostradamus, but I can't worry about that. Because when your exit comes up on the moving sidewalk, it's over, and nothing can change that. I just hope that when my family continues on their journey, they remember what I have said, just like the way sometimes when I least expect it, I open my mouth. My father's words come out for instruction, motivation, discipline, or a good laugh. That way, I will still live in a small way with them as my father lives with me.
