FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER

Fear is the Mind-Killer

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

 Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear.

This is the premise the phrase that is the thought behind this dissertation…

1^st a little about me, I will let you all know my weakness, my Achilles heel. It is total abject Anger and Rage. I will tell you my fears; I fear success, and failure.

Knowing this I will state for the record that I am a total CONTROL FREAK!!! I however do not have the need to control others. I have an intense/consuming need to control I myself starting with my emotions. I have a dread and intense fear of heights.  I don’t want to even be on a ladder, but for 20 years I found myself in or on the following objects 100,000 gallon fuel tanks, worked in bucket trucks and ran category 5 cables over the top of a 15 ton overhead crane (warehouse size).  It was my job it was something that had to be done and a fear that had to be overcome.  That being said……

My pet peeve (the one relevant to this discussion) is TOTAL ABJECT MINDNUMBING FEAR!!!  It causes a visceral reaction that triggers in me anger and rage, but being the control freak I try to throttle down my own emotions, as they can be intimidating to others.   When I talk about fear I’m not talking about fears like drowning, dangerous animals and fish. Those are healthy fears.  I’m talking of the fear of things that do not have any capacity to harm anyone; bringing total panic (the jumping up and down screaming wildly panic.)   This is why; how can you control others when you (as an adult) you cannot control yourself. 

Personally I survey my environment especially when driving home from work. I try to think “what if” with the cars around me to have a preplanned course of action when or if the stuff hits the fan.  Back to fear.  With this being my pet peeve let me tell you what I cherish, and value most that is COURAGE.  The ability to work effectively when faced with the prospect of imminent harm to one’s self or ones loved ones.  The character i admire most in the movie saving Private Ryan was the sniper.”  Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight”  The least favorite character was the TOTAL COWARD that let his buddy get run through with his own bayonet by a German soldier and stood passively by when that soldier came back down the stairs.  I felt this emotion coming up from my core I wanted to beat him with my bare hands. I can’t watch that movie again because that feeling I get in that scene is so overwhelming.  

For me (unwarranted) fear is something to me that is so repugnant that I have to mentally take control of myself and throttle myself.  I have to accept others in their paths in life or it would consume me… When I get that way I have to do something constructive of a physical nature, as it is difficult to be angry and tired at the same time.

Now I have used fear in the past to control others. I have 2 examples one of fear and one of the overcoming of fear (It worked like a champ both times) There was a football game years ago (more like decades) I was coaching 10-12 year olds and we got down 14-0 in the 2^nd quarter  they ran the option and ran it well.  I thought of a interesting solution it was called assignment football, as it would work at that level.  Got the defense together told them starting with the Defensive Ends.  If the QB comes your way running the option CLOCK HIM whether he has the ball or not just hit him. I read the rule to the defense concerning people simulating having the ball to prove it, as I kept a rulebook in my pocket at all times. Gentlemen I mean hit him and let his ancient forefathers feel it. Do it legal and HARD!!! To the Linebackers, if the ball comes your side tackle the Fullback (period) the offside linebacker pursue and hit the 1^st person in an odd colored jersey turning the corner to the tackles make contact with the tackle/guard and 1^st disrupt the guard as he wants to block the onside backer and then penetrate if you can’t make the play make a mess.  Corners you have the pitchman (period) you can bust him and knock him down if he is behind the line of scrimmage and he will pitch the ball to no one. Safeties you have everything else because they might pass so cover pass 1^st run 2^nd. Now with those instructions, we went to work. Pitch came WHAM QB on his butt   pitchman dropped for a loss (I’m smiling now) it went on like that with mixed results but they didn’t make the 1^st down so we got the ball back. We finally scored on a broken play (I’ll take it). So it ended at 14-7 at the half.   Reinforced what I told them at the break and the kids were excited.  They got the ball 1^st in the 2^nd half they kept running it and didn’t catch on to what I was doing. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM the QB was now having a bad day. Then it happened, he faked it tried to turn the corner and the end got his facemask on the football and fumbled. The linebacker scooped it up (he shoulda fell on it) and its now 14-14. Both teams fought to a stalemate to the 4^th quarter then I noticed something. The QB looked Play-side when the option was called and his hands were visibly shaking.  The middle backer saw it too.  I called Time out. (Should not have but it seemed like a good idea at the time)I told the Defense we had them right where we wanted them, and I predict you guys will win the game on defense (because the offense was having trouble, as their defense was excellent).  The end came late in the 4^th quarter when (true to form) the QB’s hands started visibly shaking again. He took the snap saw the end, and pitched the ball totally missing the back. The DB picked up and took it straight to the HOUSE. 21-14 with 2 minutes left we held on and won the game. That was totally due to the fear that we inspired.

Now for the overcoming of fear; in another Football game (this time in Okinawa) I had this kid that could really throw the ball. This time it was 11-13 year olds.  He had a problem because he looked at the rush instead of the receivers.  After a sack when he held the ball too long (we had someone WIDE!!! open in the seam all alone) I called a time out.  “Son we are having a great game aren’t we?” Man id buy a ticket to see this one I need to pull you so we can have a talk you aren’t in trouble but I need to talk with you. We put the other QB in and we moved the ball enough for our discussion and it went like this.  Ok I need to ask you a question. “If you are locked up in a fight you with a dog are you going to fight the dog or try not to get bitten?” he said try not to get bitten, WRONG MY FRIEND!!!  You are fighting a dog he is going to bite you, and the best way to stop getting bit is to get the dog to not want to fight so you have to fight with ALL YOU GOT to get that dog off of you.  I noticed the confused look and I brought it home for him.  You are in a football game you going to try not to get hit, or are you going to throw the DANG ROCK. We got guys running wide open, and they can catch. Trust them put the ball where I tell you and I promise you will score…  This was like the 2^nd game of the season.   Ok this is the next call fake 32 dive pass I’m sending the left side wide-out on a post. Just put it up and let’s see what happens…  we ran the play but this time he stood there looking for the receiver’s break and just when he released the ball, WHAM the Linebacker clocked him. (thought he would go for the fake, my bad) The ball was perfect caught the receiver in stride and 63 yards later TOUCHDOWN!!! I looked back at the QB  he was running to me COACH I DID IT I DID IT I said yes you did.  When we get back on offense you can do it again. I also told him if we get the ball back right away you can get started NOW.  You are in at safety so GO GET EM!!!  YES COACH!!! He ran out on the field and the safety came off and looked at me. I said Dude you are getting back in the game trust me…   There was a fumble and at the bottom of the pile was the QB/safety, and he was jumping and screaming. (I think I unlocked a Frankenstein) ran a couple of dives no soap so I called a pass.  (3 step drop slant/hook/go both backs stay in.)  QB drops back nothing then he takes off running. I YELLED WHAT YA DOIN (never mind) Touchdown… he came back to me smiling again and I had this (faked mad look) DID I CALL FOR A RUN. He said no coach… good Job son thinking on your feet cause there was nothing there. We won the game by 3 touchdowns. We made the playoffs that year and made it to the Super Bowl for our age group, but lost 12-6. Stuff happens… The Pizza eased the sting of defeat. I was so proud of him. His dad told me later that after that he was a changed young man. I don’t know where he is now but I have a picture of him and the team in my office and I am so proud of them.   

Now fear can control you or you can control yourself, as self-control is the ultimate goal of a control freak like me. To quote my DAD “BOY when you see me get scared it’s time to be scared.    Jus Sayin

P/S you all do know that courage is contagious, but so is cowardice…..

disagreement and respect

. We believed that it was most desirable that the North should win; we believed in the principle that the Union is indissoluable; we, or many of us at least, also believed that the conflict was inevitable, and that slavery had lasted long enough. But we equally believed that those who stood against us held just as sacred conviction that were the opposite of ours, and we respected them as every men with a heart must respect those who give all for their belief.

Garden of Good and Evil

My time in the garden of good and evil

A blazing, steamy, tropical heat, not the dry heat of Saudi Arabia, but the soggy, sweltering, jungle heat of the Philippines. This is what greeted me upon my arrival at Clark AB, Republic of the Philippines. "Toto, you’re not in Kansas anymore;" I thought while departing the contract aircraft, a second hand 747 flown by Flying Tiger Airlines. I was immediately exposed to the 98 degree, 98 percent humidity air. It was air you could eat; so thick and heavy it was like breathing hot fog. Sweat leapt from my entire body; any breeze however, would provide immediate cooling, and relief from this incessant tropical heat.

I was finally in the Philippines, a nation that has suffered the effects of natural and physical disaster at every turn. This lush tropical paradise has experienced a virtual genetic 5-car collision over the last few centuries, forever altering the gene pool of its inhabitants. The influence of the Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, in the 1700’s and 1800's, United States Armed Forces in the 1900,’the Japanese again in the 1940's, and Our contributions since then have given the PI a diverse and rich culture.

This naïve 27-year-old Airman would experience the most life changing experience of his life. I would discover myself, and not like what I would find, here on my first overseas assignment.

After securing quarters, I called my new supervisor and was told to rest. This I did as sleep came easily after that marathon 18-hour flight to the other side of the civilized world. My personal adventure would begin after dark.

My boss arrived at dusk. We were to embark on my first adventure outside of the gate. "Going to Dodge City to see Miss Kitty," I heard from some unknown party animal, as we departed through main gate. “It was Dodge City alright!” I noticed the noise, smells, and sensations of the area. To my left were the rows of moneychangers all offering to give you the Peso best rate for your dollar. The rate was actually better than the bank and illegal, but no one was enforcing that ordinance. I felt the press of the crowd. I heard the train pulling in with the sounds of poultry and pigs being offloaded. My first passive sensory input was the pungent aroma of garbage. This was revolting, but there was another scent I recognized there in the distance. Using my nose as a direction finder, I turned away from the heady smell of rotting cabbage to the sweet delicious aroma of BBQ. I had died and gone to heaven; an offering made by fire for a sweet savor unto the Lord. There were pork ribs, chicken, and something that looked like beef. It cooked like beef, and smelled like beef.  I didn’t ask any questions, because I was very hungry. We dined sumptuously on that mystery meat; it was pleasure, pure pleasure.

I was the "green bean," a new fresh one; a "Cherry boy" unlearned in the ways of Southeast Asia. One of those most notable experiences that night was hearing, and then seeing the "Cobras of Balibago". They were everywhere. You could hear the hiss emanating from a darkened doorway, then a voice that uttered "Hey GI you look for girl."  Hours later I was poured back into my room; it was 3 am. I thanked God it was a Friday night.

Waking at 3 pm. the next day, I decided it was time to venture alone in the City of Dodge.  Actually it was Angeles City, RP.  I am from another City of the Angels; however, I had a feeling that this was not going to be quite the same. After leaving the base, I personally met my first Filipino; a smallish rough looking man, riding a small motorcycle with an attached sidecar.  He spoke in this broken mixture of English and Talagog (the main native language) "Ride u Pati"? Meaning "would you like to use me as your personal transport and guide." This was all done for a small fee of course. We journeyed through town meeting mostly his relatives. Then came the pitch. “You look for girl?”  “Shields UP!” I thought to myself; you see I was from South Central LA, so I may have been born at night but it wasn’t last night. This learning experience caused me to seek out one of my co-workers that lived in town. I asked him to help me adjust. He did just that, he was the greatest of guides.

I noticed after my arrival that the towns near my work area had no electricity or running water in their homes. I remember taking baths from a 55-gal drum that once held motor oil; a ladle hanging precariously on the drum was the means of maintaining personal hygiene.  This was necessary on those occasions when I would miss the ride back to base, at the request of close personal friends.

On one of these misses, I met my first girlfriend, Amour. She was unlike all of the others; she was tall dark, and exotic. To this day just seeing Tia Carerre brings back memories of her, if just for an instant. We traveled the countryside extensively.

After few months for reasons unknown to me, it ended just as quickly as it began. I was angry. I learned however; I was just a “GI in the PI". This meant that the rules that you learned growing up didn’t apply here. Who was I to convert the masses?  I took the attitude “if you can't beat them join them. I could play the game as well.” From that point I sought to indulge in all manner of bacchanalian delights without a hint of remorse.  I was on a personal crusade, a jihad. I was General Sherman, driving through Georgia to the sea. I was Ahab, and Angeles was my white whale.

 Six months into my tour of duty I had become a seasoned veteran, a “Rice Patty Daddy.” After a time in my sober moments I struggled with the mores and instructions of my youth. I felt that I had lost my way. My emphasis changed. I wanted to know more of these people that were so different.  I did not become a saint, but I did take the intensity down quite a bit.  I found myself taking long bus trips, to the far reaches of the Island. I would buy a ticket to the end of the line; I didn’t really care where it was. I kept a map, and checked off the places I had been. I had a new mission to discover what the real people of the PI were like. In a strange town randomly selected from my map, in some remote region of the Philippines. I would rent a room for the whole weekend, which was about 30 dollars including meals. I learned all people were not the same. There was a different PI and it was only 30 miles from the gate. These “other” Filipinos were warm and friendly; a sharp what a contrast from my Angeles City experience.

Another thing that left an indelible image on my life was the amount of death there. This was the place where death went for basic training. Snakebite, rebels, infant mortality, car wrecks, and working for the wrong political official could all get you killed, let alone just being an American.

On my first incident I was driving the shop truck when a motorcycle suddenly appeared in front of me and sped past. Minutes earlier I had heard the distinctive sound of automatic weapons fire, but that was not out of the ordinary, as that happened often.  I was stopped by some of our security personnel and told we would have to wait. One of my good friends looked like he had eaten something very bad, and was losing it. I saw what caused his distress. Two men were killed at a checkpoint; not just killed, but massacred. One of the perpetrators had stood on the hood of the victim's car and fired a full magazine from an M-16 rifle through the windshield. He then administered the coup de grace to the pour souls with a pistol once each to the temple. I lost it right there on the side of roughly hewn dirt road next to my friend.

The second was having some of my friends killed in a case of mistaken identity. While driving a personal vehicle home from the site after working late, a practice that was discouraged on many occasions.   Four of my squadron mates were mistaken for government officials and shot down at a different checkpoint.

This left me jaded. I take little seriously. I have seen the evil that men do. I have seen lives destroyed for the sake of power and influence. Murder and Sex were just a few of the attractions in this Disneyland of the flesh.

 What was I then to make of the weddings, festivals, and family gatherings that I witnessed, and later invited to participate in during my cross-country journeys of personal discovery? 

A duality, the yin and yang, the good and the evil is what we are. We build great monuments to God then burn them down. We fight for life then take life again, and again. This was my maiden voyage in the real world. It changed me. Am I a cynic? Yes. Am I jaded? Yes. But I cannot help remembering cool breezes, and relaxing evenings. As my memory drifts, I find myself sitting on a chaise lounge casually looking at a bright orange sun sinking ever so slowly into the South China Sea. I sense the subtle aroma of delicately seasoned steaks on a flaming altar, sharing a tall cool one with one of my shop buds, now I am the guide, thinking, “this is how man was meant to live.”

History is written by the Victors

            Read in an article a few days ago where the Texas Tea Party wanted to change the history books to make the Founding Fathers look better, or more simply to not have the founding fathers look bad in the light of history.  I am a Conservative, but a realist.  In the words of my favorite part of the Monday Night Countdown “COME ON MAN!!!”   Where is the want for the truth?  Please don’t hate me for my next sentence. The Bible shows the good parts and the bad parts of the creation story along with the account of the birth and history of the Hebrew nation.  What’s wrong with the truth? I don’t want the part removed where David while being a slacker and not going to fulfill his leadership role as King, and General; took up with the wife of one of his officers, impregnated her, tried to cover it up. He then arranged for the murder of the man when he would not play along with his cover-up. By the way the child of this union died, but his next son was Solomon.  Jefferson held slaves… SO What!  He also has a branch of his family that continues to this day of one of his indiscretions with one of his servants. I’m not going to change the Name of my Middle School because of it.   Now let’s turn the coin over a little. There has been an effort to erase some elements of history by some of the politically correct crowd to change the schoolbooks as well. (equal opportunity distorters)  Manzinar was a real place, the Japanese interment was a real thing, the Holocaust Really did happen, the Rape of Nanking was a real event, The Brits were aiding the confederacy in the Civil war, and Winston Churchill (Who has been called manic depressive in some quarters) let one of his own cities get bombed and burned without warning the residents just so that the British cracking of the German enigma code would remain secret.

 As my Daughter often says “Dad I’m Just Sayn” Call it the truth if it is the truth. If it is true that the march to war in Iraq was based on faulty Intel then OK it’s too late now to un-drop a bomb. Now that being said it is wrong to try to (NOT REPORT) the 500 metric Tons of Yellowcake Uranium that was shipped to Canada from Iraq.  Additionally, The argument that states If you knew then what you know now IS STUPID ON THE FACE OF IT (Cathy Curic who got slapped down by Sec Rice it’s on YouTube) because you didn’t know then. If I knew that my 3^rd wife would run off with a (so-called friend) I probably would not be the person that is writing this rant now.   I could go on about Hiroshima and Nagasaki but a little more than a  page is enough…  (Except to say my father Eugene Oliver Crawford left Germany in March 1945 and started Amphib training in Louisiana, where he met my Mom. Jessie Mae Crawford)

There was a person whose job it was from the time of Kublai Khan to WWI was to rewrite the history books to make Emperor in power at the time not look bad.  A couple of quotes I have picked up over the years I will use in conclusion. While learning to coach football my mentor used this quote when we were drawing up plays and defenses on the chalkboard “The person that holds the chalk last wins” I Love you Coach Franks I learned so much from you that works in my normal life. The quote “History is written by victors” via Captain Price from “Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2”. I wonder how General Sheppard will be remembered. (You got to play the game to know what I’m talking about or Google it.)  Finally, I remember a quote from a long-forgotten history instructor…  “Manny you know History is just HIS- STORY”

Just call it like it was/is the truth is the truth (historically speaking) just tell it all.  I don’t care if it is the New York Times, LA Times, Washington Times, The Tea Party Express, the RNC, DNC, or anyone else out there.  I’m a big boy I can take it. Oh by the way I got a picture of Marylyn “you know who” all hugged up with a certain Chief Executive.