Part of my family

We all have a family, some natural, and some acquired over time. My Extensive family has more—acquired members than natural ones.   This is a story about one of these and how the current malaise is pressuring them. (and how I'm not too fond of it) 

This story begins with the loss of my mother suddenly due to a heart attack.  I was utterly dependent on my parents for counsel.  All this was good when I was 12, but I was now 25 and had no clue how to do anything on my own. I was living in Orange County, California, and recently separated from my 1st wife.

I was working in a factory that produced dumb terminals for mainframe computers. I, in my current state of loss, took time to think.  My Father Eugene O Crawford 1908-1975 spoke to me from the depts of my memories. (he still does) "Son, if you do not have a job or know what to do, The US Military is a place you can find your way."  So, I went to a recruiter and initially wanted to join the Marines. It was October/November 1980, and I thought, "if you do this, you will be running jumping shooting and, in the mix, until you are 46 years old. Nope, that wasn't happening. I was not going into the navy (water) or the Army.

So, it was to the AF recruiter.  With that complete, I returned to work. A couple of days later, I was called into the office; I was laid off.  My enlistment was not to begin until April 1981., as this was October/November. I was directly looking homelessness in the face. I had to move out of my apartment that I shared with a couple of Jamaican brothers (literally. Jamaican brothers), and I was out on the street. Just then, I was talking to a friend. He offered me a room which was reasonable until my enlistment date came up between my severance pay and the temp jobs, I took over that time I was set.  He had to talk to his folks first, but he said it would be cool. Well, it was cool with them. I moved into the room and met the family. The Dad was Aerospace Engineer and the Mom, a nurse, my family grew by four more souls. They are members of my family in the status of Brothers from other mothers and sisters from other misters.  I attended church with them, as I have never been to a Presbyterian church before not bad at all just different. During the family discussions that I was invited to participate. The advice and warnings that I received from the Dad came back to me numerous times in my 20 years of military service. Every last one of them turned out to be true.  This Phrase that was impressed upon me saved my bacon more than once in those 20 years.  "Sir, I have no legitimate excuse for my actions and am ready to accept the responsibility for those actions."    When I said that, it was the last shot, the buzzer-beater that would keep being from being reprimanded or arrested. It could turn a reprimand to a counseling session.   This was to be used a one time (per assignment), it was that important.  I was not an angel, but I knew how to talk to my superiors in a language that they preferred.  I learned this from Dad from the Mom. I learned patience and compassion; I should say I was exposed to patience and compassion as it would take a long time (over 40 years) to become my default position. It was their way, as I was not the only person that they helped like that over the decades. I consider myself fortunate to have met them and to have them in my life.  I wrote this essay to let them and the entire world that this particular black life mattered to them.  Knowing that this world is going down the tubes and there is a rising pressure to apologize for something you have never participated in do not yield to it one inch.  This is the 2020 remix of the Spanish inquisition that started in 1492. and ended in 1834, according to the wiki. There are some interesting parallels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_Inquisition

                              

An evil prank

An evil prank

It was on tour with the Velvet Knights. I’m guessing circa 1975 we were driving east, leaving California in early July. We were crossing a really long desert stretch where we had been putting down water, soda, or anything else we could get. The apparent problem occurred when it was time to return that water to the earth. Well, the bus driver did not want to stop. Mile after mile went by and the bursting feeling just got more intense, we need to stop.  After the driver said no for the umpteenth time, one of the more adventuresome horn players. It had to be a soprano because the baritone and middle horns were not that adventurous. We resorted to using empty Gatorade containers or anything that would seal to tide us over.
For the question of the day we ask, does anyone know what warm apple juice looks like? Yes, you do!!  So this unnamed horn player went up to the driver and said. “If YOU DON’T STOP THE BUS RIGHT NOW IO’M GOING TO DRINK THIS. “He then showed the half-empty container of apple juice and downed it. As we all know, “Perception IS Reality!” The driver immediately became violently ill, stopped the bus and let his projectile vomit escape on the side of the road.  We all piled off the bus, found a safe place to go, and relieved the mounting pressure.  That driver had to be replaced at the next stop.   I was 17 or 18  long ago in a galaxy far away.

Landon Papi and the illustrated man

Landon Papi and the Illustrated man.

A few years ago, I bought a copy of the book for my Grandson Landon. We were to read the stories one at a time and discuss them.  This book was essential to me as it was the 1^st a book that I read. It opened worlds up to me and started my love for science fiction. In fact, that was the seed from which my desire for knowledge grew.

            Well that didn't happen. Time and circumstance got between this time of bonding between myself and my eldest Grandson. My goal is to begin the process of developing leadership knowledge and handing down knowledge that I have backed myself into over the years. I cannot lessen the pain of growing up and learning some lessons, I just wanted to make him more equipped than I was when I had my 1^st literary experience.  You see Landon today is 11 just like his grandfather when I 1^st opened the book and entered that world of wonder and mystery.  My motivation was different. I had no mentor; I had a crush in the form of Janet Sugiyama, the librarian. Now that's a different story for a different day.

            Seeing kids across America are at home. Our family has been providing educational stimulus in the absence of school. for example, Landon is taking Trombone lessons via "Zoom. " This project came up in conversation during our families' bi-weekly phone conversations as they are in Columbus, OH. During this conversation, my Stepdaughter and her mate. Were discussing the boys and the remembrance of this reading project. Originally, he was to read 1 story at a time then discuss it.  I was willing to do that. I got preempted by his mom, and it turned into a 1-page double spaced synopsis of the story "The Veldt" since the book is so old each story in the illustrated man is available in PDF form, so I sent it to them. I reread it last night, and I got much more from it than I ever did as an 11-year-old love-struck child. The themes are abundant, but the one that sticks in my head is. Don't let technology do your job as a parent for you, and being a parent is more important than the things that one can provide.  I will give this brief overview very brief.  The parents of the wealthy variety bought this technologically marvelous house that did everything for them. They could not even cook their own meals. The house did it.  In this home was a room where the thoughts of the children became alive and totally real. This room created an African veldt complete with antelope lions and other animals. The kids loved the place. When the room image, full of the sights, sounds, heat, and smells of Africa, the parents wanted to stop it and were in the process of selling the house against the wishes of their children. That is when it went straight to Hell.

     Well today I I will forward some questions on the text as to what lessons were in that story. Fancy that. I got a writing project out of it. Here is one of the questions.   What could the parents have done to prevent the events of this story from taking place? There is no right or wrong answer, as they are many. Well, time to go to work as its 0645 AM, and my servers are calling time to be the computer guy. When I get the report, I will send the questions back along with the next story from the book. 

               

My Friend mike

My Friend Mike

I just got home (misty-eyed) after viewing the film "Last full measure, which was the story of the 30-year quest to get the medal of honor for the actions of Airman Pittsenbarger in Vietnam. I could not help thinking of my friend Mike that Cross-trained from Power Production to Pararescue.  Mike worked for me as a Power production technician. Meaning I wrote his evaluation and was a friend, mentor, and advocate for him during the time we traveled in the same orbit. I remember him for a couple of things, the 1st being his ambition to do more than being a generator mechanic/electrician. We talked several times, and I encouraged him to be whatever he wanted to be. He was the kind of airman that it was easy for me to write an evaluation.   He was a superior technician, was always. Squared away" (to honor my marine friends). He was the epitome of a Firewall 5 on his evaluations, which was the highest rating that was possible to give in all aspects of his work, demeanor, and appearance. He did things the right way every time without fail. This is not to say that he did not have challenges. He had some family issues that merited command scrutiny, which will not be mentioned but had to be addressed. In the matters of his evaluation and his request to cross-train into The Pararescue Career field. I was ordered to report to the commander's office. (accompanied by my 1st sergeant) to discuss the issue that received command attention. Which was not of his doing, but was handled successfully and to the letter of the regulation.  Mike was being called to account for the actions of a family member that on the surface did not look good from a Command interest perspective. However, as stated before, mike did everything in his power to distance himself from that situation, but I will admit it did not present look when viewed from the outside. 

           In the commander's office, it was requested that I modify his evaluation to reflect on how the situation looked. To which I respectfully declined. I was retiring in less than six months, and I was not inclined to do the "political thing" I was back in the office when his request to cross-train was questioned for the same reason once again I was not inclined to not recommend him for the position that he requested.  We used to run the "Hot Test" for our 750KW generators every month, of which there were many, a virtual sea of desert tan smoke-spewing electricity-producing goodness. We worked together on a problem that was blowing resistors randomly while the units were under load. This running data was provided as feedback to the manufacturer. To develop a modification to the design to prevent that issue from occurring in the future. During these times we talked a lot (over the roar of the engines) on how he wanted to do more with his military career I told him if that's what he wanted I would back him to the hilt because I believed in him a few months later I retired and went on to my new career in IT.

            I later found him I DOD Global Email listing and sent him emails from time to time, stating that I was very proud of him. Since he was a part of the Special Operations Community, it usually ended like this: "Mike, I don't know where you are or what is going on with you; just know I'm thinking about you and for you to be safe wherever that is." You have dinner coming from me whenever you are ready.

https://www.af.mil/News/Article-Display/Article/132556/moody-rescue-crews-receive-mackay-trophy/

How Stoicism brought me back to Jesus

How Stoicism brought me back to

Jesus.

                        

It was approximately 3 years ago, my life was a mess. I had no idea what I was doing, and I did not see where I would be in this new year of 2020. I was angry, bitter, and depressed. I still carry fear. Not the debilitating type of fear. It was the fear of going all-in in my life. I then downloaded my 1^st audiobook on the subject, it was Practical Stoicism. What I learned was to stand for what is virtuous. And not to give attention to things beyond one’s control. This part is a little convoluted. I read the scripture 2, Timothy because something was tugging at the back of my mind.  That is the point I was learning from the Stoic Philosophers on enduring hard times.

2^nd timothy 3-5 “Thou, therefore, endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

4 No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier. 5 And if a man also strives for masteries, yet is he not crowned, except he strives lawfully.”

I read this to be an admonition to endure those things that appear that are out of one’s control. Which is one of the stoic virtues? We have 3 things that are totally in our control.

1.      Our thoughts = what we think of an event or circumstance whether its positive or negative one has the freedom of thought

2.      Our Judgements =How we perceive an action or circumstances in one’s life.

3.      Our Actions = How do we respond to the above listed circumstances.

These things are totally under our control.  This control is possible only when one accepts the consequence of the results of those things that we control be they good or bad. The test comes when outside forces try to compel us to feel,.think, or act a certain way, hate a particular group, or feel a certain way.  As for me, I do not play the political game. As I have no control in any outcome that happens.  Speaking on that subject for a minute or so, I listen to what people in the world publicly say and do. If one takes an action when they are in charge, then change one’s position because if the office one is seeking, I know two things that are true 1. at one time in a person’s life they did not believe in a particular tenet, and now they say that they do believe in that tenet. 2. I cannot trust them because of something my dad used to say. “were you lying then or lying to me now.

To persuade a group of an argument if an emotional argument is used, I think why not a logical argument, because feelings are changeable truth and facts, are not.

     I took these things and examined my life. What was I doing that did not line up with my thought’s judgments and actions? I wanted to get a handle on my life, and knowing what I controlled and what I did not control led to my return to the church.  I left a long time ago, out of shame over my actions. I did not believe that I could be used by God because of my own transgressions. I accepted responsibility for what had happened, gutted out the consequences of my actions, and tried to rebuild what I could. I had a revelation on who I was. I did not like the person that I became. I was searching for those answers when I found Stoicism. When I listened to Socrates, it led me to other stoics and learned that there were other Stoics I could learn from. The one that stood is Marcus Aurelius, whose writings “meditations” were not for public release. They were letters to himself as he journaled to himself regularly.  Several of his messages spoke to me I will list a few.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

And finally.

“If any man despises me, that is his problem. My only concern is not doing or saying anything deserving of contempt.”

Armed with this new knowledge I knew a couple of things. I had to change it up. I had to find a mission in life, and I had to make amends to those that I offended, and change how I thought and acted.

     I had something that brought it home. I am a relatively new husband and father. I was exposed to the old me, and it hurt badly. You see one of my daughters is/was married to a person that is really 90% of who I was. It was all fun and games until one sees it being applied to one’s own family. This family member suffered greatly in her situation, and I was powerless to help. This moved me to apologize to the people that I caused to suffer. The next thing is that I became accountable to my father in law. As some of you know, some family members put the fun into dysfunctional. I told my Pop that he should worry about the ones on his side of I1as I will take responsibility of the persons on this side of I10 that need help.  I also became accountable to an old friend of over 46 years who has the unique ability of always speaking the truth and speaking his mind whether I liked it or not.   This is an example of a conversation we had in that regard. Hey, I just sold my Camaro as I made 5000 dollars on the sale, I am paying off most pf my credit cards and will be paying the rest off with my tax return. His response was classic” Manny, I am so glad that you got smart and stopped driving that Phallic symbol…Just saying, bro.” There is an aspect that I am not having too much fun with. I have to cut some people out of my life that I have been friends with for a long time. The best way is to separate oneself. From those that knew me at that time that I was participating in what the word describes as “riotous living “and keeps bringing it up as a reminder of the past.  I was speaking to a coworker, and I saw him preparing to say something that would make me uncomfortable as it was for comedic reasons, and I cut him off by saying  “Hey bro would you be saying what you are about to say if Jesus was standing next to you.”   Seeing I sit in the pew next to him in church, I knew he would get the message.

Back to Jesus, I read a lot mostly for edification, some for research, and some just because. I started writing primarily as a journal for myself. I was inspired by the former emperor of Rome. I throw it out there primarily to sharpen my skills as a writer, as it is a dream of mine to become one. (but that’s another story). I met with the members of my former church at a memorial service for a good friend in the congregation. It was great to connect again with my friends and church family.  I also had another stoic lesson. It seems that others have opinions about my future plans, and did not hesitate to let me know their opinion. When I noticed that the person was not interested in my explanation, justification, or thoughts on what I had not even decided yet, I just let it go, as it would not matter in the overall scheme of things.   I decided to return to church, a church where no one actually knows me. I went to worship and to reconnect with the

Lord without the distractions of that past that I am so not proud of.  I am on a mission. I see myself of my local family unit and, as in the words of the former emperor of Rome, “Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius

I’m working on it.

People in glass houses Pt 1

                                                       People in glass houses
                                                   Pt 1
`There once was a king in an ancient far away land Populuia, for the land was vast and the people numerous. King Ator (the cunning) had the most opulent of palaces.  One day the King’s prophets came to him with a prophecy of conquest and glory.  They told the king, “If you conquer the 10 neighboring kingdoms, you will unify the land and have the people worship you as their sovereign lord.  To keep the peace, you should marry the most beautiful daughters of the lords of those kingdoms to ensure the unity of the subsequent birthright of the subjects of all the 10 lands. The idea of 10 wives pleased the King, and the King raised an army to make the prophecy come to pass.
 When he surveyed the kingdoms, he noted that though they had commerce with each other as the lands had different strengths that were worthy of coveting. All of those lands were sovereign kingdoms to themselves and did not trust their neighbors.  The country that was chosen 1st was an Aquaria, a nation with fruitful fields, and a small defensive army. The King sent spies to the land first to find the needs of the farmers of the land, to find a weakness to exploit, and finally, an avenue for conquest. It seemed that the nation needed cultivating equipment of iron.  The area had no mineral deposits nor forges to make plows. They used only wooden implements to till the soil and plant the crops for harvest. The King of Populuia had iron ore in abundance. With men cunning in the ways of iron and steel.  The Populian swords were folded from an ingot of steel thousands of times. Then quenched in the mineral-rich waters that were found in Populia and were sharp enough to sever the head from a beast in one swing.  It is said that those found guilty of the most heinous crimes were relieved when they knew a Populian sword would be used by the executioner as the condemned would feel no pain as the blade passed from side to side without slowing for bone of sinew. The Populian King offered a trade pact with the King of Agraria, with his farming implements in exchange for 5% of the crop that was harvested from Agraria. However, there were not to be iron crafting forges in Agraria. The riddle of steel was to remain forever in Populuia.   The Agrarians were at 1st hesitant for a deal, so the King loaned the farming implements for one year for the Agrarians to taste the benefits of a full alliance with Populuia.
    The year passed, and the crop increased 100-fold. The alliance with the Agrarians was complete. Populian men and families moved to Agraria and built places of worship and commerce and became an integral part of the Agrarian culture. That, however, was an elaborate ruse to weaken agrarian culture, which worshipped the land whose gods were from the pillars of the earth. As opposed to the gods of the sky that were worshipped in Populuia.  The Populians gave their worship to the of the birds of the air. With the emphasis on the birds of prey. With their ability to soar and attack without warning soundlessly from above. At the start of this plan of conquest, the King installed his 18-year-old son as the Prince of the realm. He was trained in the arts of combat from an early age and was sent to the mysterious island realms to learn the mystic skills of bladed and exotic hand to hand combat. The son returned as a captain of the army and trainer of recruits in the combat arts. The Prince also brought back trainers in the combat arts that he learned in the island realm. By the time Prince Ator the 2nd was twenty years old, he had a standing army of 180 thousand. With 10,000 archers, 8000 horses and 12000 heavy mounted infantry, and 12000 operators of siege engines and primitive artillery, the rest were foot soldiers and support elements.
           The plan was instigated to bring the lands into conflict. King Ator (the cunning)  met with a delegation from Populuia on the prospect of future trade deals. However, the delegation consisted of a few of his imbedded people that insulted the Populian deities, and fighting ensued.  The King was outraged at this betrayal. Then immediately sent the Prince and his army to the border to ask that the offenders be turned over for punishment. Several Populian delegates were killed in the fighting. The embedded Populian agents left evidence that pointed to the royal family. King Ator met privately with the King of Agraria with an offer. Abdicate the throne, allow one of your daughters to marry the Prince, and become a province of Populuia. You will remain as sovereign of your land subject only to My Royal household retain the management of your lands, and an Invasion of your territory will be unnecessary. However, we will raise divisions of an army that will wear the colors of Populuia and will be stationed throughout your land to keep the peace. What the King did not say was that troops from Agraria would become part of the expeditionary force. And would be not be returning to their home country for as long as the conquest was ongoing. All the troops that were to be stationed in Agraria would be from Populuia or were immigrants to Agraria from Populuia.  In one fell swoop, Populuia conquered Agraria with little loss of life.
           King Ator celebrated his victory with a gala party.  In this newly constructed crystal palace, the living and administrative areas were made of crystal. This crystal was darkened by mixing natural elements to change the color of the glass to clear to any shade required, even black. The rest of the palace was crystal clear. The ballroom was had a blue hue that matched the regal robes that the Prince and the King wore. The King’s bride wore a lighter shade of blue to denote her royal standing. The party was amazing. There were minstrels from the adjacent lands. And administrators from the same nations that were amazed at the diplomatic acumen of King Ator taking possession of Agraria without bloodshed and with its infrastructure still intact.
There was a hint of a problem tiny, almost invisible cracks were in the throne chamber, the chamber for the thrones from the conquered kingdom. It had just arrived and was gently placed in the room just above the ballroom so the revelers can see the thrones of the defeated kings. The cracked crystal pane was reinforced then replaced with stronger panes of crystal the next day.
There was a meeting in the administrative area with King Ator, his son Ator II and their most trusted generals about the next throne to take. The Prince said, “The King of future nations won’t fall for the same trick. This time we will have to fight.  I know this said the King. We must double the army and raise their pay. Give the pay raises to the Agrarians 1st as a reward for faithful service. This will ensure their loyalty in the upcoming campaign.
                                                                 End of part 1

My Friend

 “Was a naturally Heroic SOB.”

I mourn For my friend, knowing him was a highlight of my life. I have a few good friends. He was the "I can call at 3 AM and know he would be there kind of friend". That is a more select group.  Those friends that are in this Group are far fewer in number. This is as it should be. One's trusted confidants should be a select group of the most successful and loyal counselors. I came to him with some of my most important decisions. One of these decisions was on what should I do now that I have met after meeting the woman that eventually became my wife.  The advice I received from the pair Derek and his bride led directly to me being the patriarch of my new family and all the grandchildren that have followed.

 I did not know Derek the way I did upon his return from his initial victory from a disease that took him out of the workplace, for I think a year.  Before that, he was one of those scientific types that worked on the main floor at Test Group.  I got to know him as a member of the "irreverent three." And our carpool to and from Test Group until I departed for El Paso for another job. What I learned from Derek is to be a genuine person. I looked at his family, and I found a cohesive family and dedicated to one another. His relationship with his wife was one to be emulated. When I say cohesive, I mean they were a single unit consisting of 4 members (and the pets of course) I saw them choose each other when outside pressures were applied to their relationship, as is in the case of every successful family relationship.  In a way, it was good that I got to know him later, as he introduced me to the beauty that is Patron tequila in all its various flavors.

 I never felt unwelcome when I was with them, as their place was a place of refuge, an oasis of good times, and fun. He was the glue to the tailgate scene at NMSU before his departure, and it wasn't the same after his relocation to his new home. It was like losing the center of the rotating space station with the distinct habitats all drifting in their own directions after his families' departure.  For a good part of the time, I was an emotional mess, so his presence was a calming one and an example of what normal looked and felt like. On the day I married, my wife Wanda Derek and Terri were there as part of the celebration.

It should be noted that we had to delay the start of the festivities as there was an NFL Playoff game playing in the background. That being said, He was a tangible example of what was possible and achievable in a relationship.  We had a staff meeting of the irreverent 3 regularly, In fact, two families of the irreverent 3 -1 still meet quarterly, and we sent a pic to Derek for his inclusion to the Group.

What I know this for certain.  He was not content with the status quo. He never gave up, no matter the circumstances. He always looked for a solution, no matter the problem or the issue. I will remember that always. There was one other quality that I noticed with him. He was a scientific type that was at home with Mathematics as he was just hanging out with his friends.  A Brilliant man that had the very uncommon trait of common sense.  In truth, the scientific community at Test Group had a significant number of people, both officer, and civilian, with that quality. Since I saw him almost every day, he stood out from the crowd of other excellent people that I had the privilege of associating with during my time at the Group.

       It regularly seemed my trash cans moved by themselves directly behind my vehicle as I departed for work in the morning to date that phenomena have yet to be explained, I believe it was the work of Gremlins.  When questioned, no one in my carpool seemed to know that could have moved those cans directly behind my car. I guess that will remain an unexplained mystery.

I have never cried as much as I have this last weekend. The news stopped me in the middle of what I was doing. I have been in pretty much in a funk to this date.  Since when have I started crying at a red light when Free Bird came over my radio?  It was Sunday. This event has caused me to reexamine my life once again. To discover what it is to be a friend and to lead a family.  What it is like to be a professional while keeping the essential things in their correct places in one's life.

The passing of this man has divinely touched me. I have known loss; in fact, I lost a good friend while I was at Test Group, and it shook me tremendously.  It is factually incorrect to say this was a loss for it was not (not even close). As we are finite beings with a definite time to be here. From my perspective, he was fully involved in the game all the way until the final buzzer sounded. 

            For His family, I will state. If I am in the area and you need assistance. I will do what I can to help. All one has to do it call, and I will be there. The things that I have learned from him I will take with me to my next locale and will instruct the ones that I love to know if the lessons of being humble and never giving up that I have learned from Derek and Terri.