I was a Smoker (for one day in 1972)

      I WAS A SMOKER

       For one day in 1972

       Eugene Oliver Crawford died in 1976. He was 67 years old; as of the writing of this essay, I am 67 years old. My father suffered at least three heart attacks finally succumbed to a simultaneous heart attack and stroke. The interesting I absolutely knew the instant that dad left this life. I awoke from a sound sleep with the thought Dad had just died. The day I found the time of death to be the exact time I awakened.

        In 1972 I was sitting at 1366 East 59^th street Los Angeles California smoking a Newport. I was 17, my dad walked out on the porch and saw me smoking and asked, "What you doin BOY!" It was too late to attempt to hide the smoke from my dad. So, he continued. "Smoking ok smoking what son and asked for the smoke. At that point, he had stopped smoking for a couple of years. Looking down at the smoke, he laughed and said," Newport's, that kind of junk is that, if you are going to sit on the porch like a man, then you need to smoke a man's cigarette." Newport's? he said in disgust, shaking his head. 

            Well, son, let's take a walk to the corner to get a man's cigarette. No son, we are here to introduce you to a cigarette for men, and he grabbed a carton of Lucky Strikes. I was kind of excited because I would have my first official man's cigarette. We walked and talked to the liquor store on the corner where he stopped me from buying a carton (yes, a carton) of Newport's. Walking home, he still made me proud of becoming a man; what we would do together as men were beaming inside as my father was the most important person in my life. Before that, he bought me my first trombone, encouraged me to pursue music, and joined the LAPD Jr Band, then the Velvet Knights Drum and Bugle corps. When accepted to Cal State University Fullerton, Dad took a second job to pay for my room and board. (More on that later.)

            Lighting up, I did not know what was coming next, but I was about to find out. After inhaling the first drag, I knew something was wrong. I started coughing and felt suddenly ill trying to put the cigarette down. My dad said, "Not so fast, young man.. You wanted to be a man, so here you go" having the first cigarette behind me, he lit the second and handed it to me. SMOKE! Young man. So, I smoked the second cigarette. By the time I had finished the third cigarette, I was visibly ill. I was sick; if I could see myself, I would have had a greenish hue. I left to hurl in the flower bed at the front of the house. I walked back not to a man excited to have his first cigarette with his eldest son; I saw the stern taskmaster; he was not happy. He laid into me about his heart attacks and that I was going down a path that would not be good for me and never to pick up a cigarette again. He came down hard on me. he asked, who told you this was ok, who told you this was a good thing, is this what you are spending your money from part-time jobs? (I was at that time a Dishwasher at LAX working for HOST international at one of the many airport restaurants)

            Dad laid it on me heavily and told me to go back to my room. He had the phrase he said when I messed up badly and paid a physical price for my foolishness. "I would whip your ass until I gave out in mine, but you are suffering much better than you would if I beat your azz" He then turned on a dime and held me and said Well, son, we know better now, don't we. Taking the Lucky strikes next door and gives them to his father-in-law Bill. What's this? My grandfather asked, and dad said Oh, Manny bought them for you; he saw the partially opened pack, and I saw dad and my grandfather have a moment. Grandfather smiled at my dad and then me and said, "That's real thoughtful of you, boy" Shook Dad's hand smiled, took the carton, and went back into the house that was next door. Lesson learned. It should be noted that every time I receive a physical examination, I vividly remember this day and answer yes, but it was for one day in the summer of 1972.

            Four moments are indelible memories of my dad. The first was him giving me a popsicle that I dropped into the sand and encouraging me to wash under the faucet. It was a banana popsicle twin pop. I was about 3 or 4 after he saw me crying; he pulled the other half of the popsicle and told me to be careful this time. The second was him on the porch seeing me chased by three boys and running to the house. I was about nine years old. He stood by the door, not letting me in "what is this?" these boys want to fight, and mom told me under no circumstances should I get into fights, so I ran. Unmoving sad said, "if you run now, you will run for the rest of your life, and I don't appreciate that, so go out there and handle your problem. I said, dad Ill get in trouble!!! Then he gave me another one of his sayings, "Son, if you ain't in trouble with me, you ain't in trouble.

I walked outside the gate, looking to hurt someone. I felt like someone had turned loose. I beat all three boys, and I did not know my dad was standing near me as I felled the last person I was about to deliver the final blow, but my arm hung suspended in mid-air may dad had me by the wrist and said, "that's enough Boy" The third was when I moved into the dorms at CSUF, my dad was beaming. This was the same man that dropped out in the 8^th grade to work on his dad's farm. The man that taught himself to be a welder served in the 92nd division with the 3^rd Army in WWII, whose son was going to California State University Fullerton. The moment was almost missed when I saw him walking back to the car when the man I never saw openly wept seeing his son going to college. And the last memory was my dad in his Deacon blue suit looking at me getting married just a few months before he died.  

            It is a significant reason I am where I am today (literally) in Plain City, Ohio, being Papi for three boys requiring adult supervision. The eldest and I are communicating at a non-verbal level, approaching telepathic thought, and the others are getting there.   Most men I see in sports say hi, mom. Not me, it will always be Hi DAD. I will remember you always. When he became old, this child did not depart from your teaching; it just took a long detour to get here.

 

 

           

             

 

            

Husbands love your wives

 

This scripture is a commandment given to men in Ephesians 5:25. Which reads: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it. Some versions state" and gave his life for it." I have looked for a commandment for wives to love their husbands, but I have not found that reference yet. It does state that wives should be subject to their husbands, but there is a clue that I have found in verse 33. "Nevertheless, do ye also severally love each one his wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she fears her husband." The keyword in this passage is "see." In the Mariam Webster dictionary, one of the definitions of see is to perceive or become aware of, recognize or examine. I take this to be undeniably evident to the wife so that she can feel it is proper to fear, not meaning dread, fright, horror, or terror, but to revere one's husband. We men act more on logic and reason as opposed to feelings. (or should) feelings are not the area in which we are at our best. The scope of feelings is the realm where the female of the human species is more adept in operating. I know on several occasions that my espoused had pointed out something she noticed in the realm of feelings that have turned out to be accurate. Watching her do homework with the 7-year-old daily is a task that I am ill-suited to perform; however, it is right in the middle of her skillset.

 I retired to take care of her as she sometimes requires assistance with an ongoing chronic condition. I am becoming intimately aware of Ephesians 5:25, what did I give up? I was an IT guy for 19 years and could have continued in that career for a few more years, but I consider what I am doing now to be a calling, a duty to my family. Recently, I have prepared meals and been a mentor to the young men who have shown me gratitude for what I do daily. It is something that I have taken great pride in doing well. I do whatever is necessary.

A verse earlier tells wives to be subject to their husbands, as we are subject to Christ. That seems to be the opposite of the message of 21-century life. There is a secret in that passage, the thought that a husband and wife are a 100% functional unit. Nevertheless, to love each one his wife even as himself; let the wife see that she fears (respect, revers) her husband to take care of her and the family, which sometimes gets challenging. Having spent 39 years in the service of the United States, I have seen outstanding leaders, and I have seen leaders that were not worth the title. However, the ones that I remember and are inspired are the ones that I would follow no matter what.

            It is incumbent on us to be that leader that a person would willingly follow: this is a challenging situation as the dynamic is the same. Being a successful leader is a heavy responsibility and should not be taken lightly. We are all human, and we all have faults. The only perfect person was taken on trumped-up charges and crucified. There is a reason that the commandment is placed upon men and not women. Because being a loving leader is not in our nature. We want to be the dominant one in charge and let the chips fall where they may. Men are the ones that are given the duty to provide and protect, however being entities of free will, it does not turn out as intended. However, it does not negate the principle   It the nature of women to love and nurture. Telling a woman to love is somewhat redundant, as it is in the DNA of females to nurture and protect. One looks at nature to know that it is true. All manner of dangerous beasts is loving and kind to their own. All others need to keep their distance. By being that cohesive unit accountable to each other, we have the best vehicle for raising well-adjusted children. It has and does work with a less than optimal home situation. I'm not saying that is not the case. I am confident that the data backs up my contention that an intact nuclear family works better than the cases where an intact nuclear family is not present. I asked earlier, what did I give up? Proverbs 18:16 says, "A man's gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men." I have talents (gifts) that my experience has granted me. I can develop those talents and skills for the benefit of my family, giving me greater satisfaction than the career that I "gave up." I am working on one of those gifts at this very moment. Ok, I hope this was a good representation of the 04:30 wake-up call to inspire me. 

Relatability

                                                                       Relatability

 

There are times in my local congregation that I feel this sense of distance. It would be because I am an introvert, but I do not believe so. In my congregation, a few groups of people differ in perspective. We have a diverse congregation: people from the Philippines, Indonesia, several countries in Africa, and various places in the United States, but that is not it. The difference is how we came to be in the same place spiritually. We have multi-generational Christians who can trace their backgrounds to a great grandparent (or farther back) in the faith. We have those who have taken that experience gone through bible school and ministry. It seems on the surface that the experience they had in coming to Christ differs from some of us that took longer and a more circuitous journey to realize that the life that we were living was not working and to make a change.

            Not to say anything negative about anyone’s experience, that is not the case. We all have things that make us unique that contribute to the body of Christ. At different stages of development, we each have a unique perspective on what it means to have gotten as far as we have to this point in time. That is how the church grows by relating our experiences to those in our circle of influence because of the understanding of what it takes to get into that position; however, others may not relate in the same way that I have. 

            I come from an IT background, the land of the one and zero. There are people that I know that at various times and the end of the proverbial rope and were four pounds of pressure from making a permanent solution to a temporary situation, but at that last minute, something occurred to take another chance or ask for another chance to make things different. People in these situations have something to offer those in similar situations because they have been there. We all have friends and family members that are reachable by us that others cannot reach. We have people that we shared ribs, salad, and even a beer in the past that we can relate to that no one else can. There are those of us who have seen horrible things from the cities we grew up in and on the battlefield in life and often literal battlefields that need to have someone who understands what it is like to be in those locations and situations. In relating an experience that I have had, I saw a glazed-over look as if the person in the church (and elder) had no understanding of the point that I was going to make concerning thought that my unique experience led me to. That thought was an IF-THEN statement and nesting statements in programming and how life operates.

            It is necessary to explain this concept. Life is a series of decisions that lead to an outcome that is variable based on the decision made. When a person gets cut off in traffic, it creates a decision point. Based on the decision made could lead to a variable outcome. One could ignore it, get angry, laugh it off, go into road rage, or anything in between. To ignore could lead to nothing in general, or getting angry could lead to bad decision making, and increased risk of an accident or road rage could lead to a dead-end of that line of existence. The almighty knows the outcome of every possible permutation and awaits how we will respond or not respond as in the final analysis; the choice is always ours.

            Some of our old friends are good friends, but for some reason, either a move promotion or some other factor has separated us from each other. The thought of going back occurs, but that ship has sailed, that particular timeline has closed, and there is no going back. One can try; however it is not the same because we are not the same time, location or situation has changed the pieces on the board so that the previous life cannot be reproduced. Those relationships offer lines of relatability to friends that, in essence, remain in that former timeline.

            The pull of the memories and people of a former life sometimes have a definite draw on the emotions. It should be understood recovering from a weekend bender with one’s besties is not the most profitable way to rekindle old friendships and old times. We should embrace the family that we have grown to love establishing bonds that move forward instead of returning to our friends where that danger exists. 

            There is a danger that exists in the opposite direction. Some in the church have no idea what it is like to go through the obstacles we have. The lack of a common frame of reference is a problem for some people that may not know what a person has overcome or is presently overcoming. We must extend grace to each other, bridging the gap between the worlds we have come from to the world where we are moving to focus on the goal. The understanding that Christ suffered the way we all suffer up to and including death. He did that to relate to us. We who have had experiences should know that experience was not just for us but for those we will relate to in our conduct in the world.  

             When I was at that crossroads, I asked for something that took six years to appear, and when it did appear, I knew what that was. I asked for it directly at my lowest point in life. It became my life’s mission to accomplish. I live every day knowing that every word that I say makes me accountable to that promise, and it was tough at first but is much easier now. Being a mentor is one of the most rewarding things that I do. I know what it is, my calling. 

Grace

                                                                         Grace

It what is missing

I have thought long and hard about this. I came upon a situation where grace was nonexistent. I came across a situation where I was faced with what I perceived as self-righteous indignation and sloganeering instead of talking to me directly about a slight that I would have immediately apologized for and not ever repeated. After that event, I was torn because I had several options laid out in my mind. It was made complex as it was one of the people I love the most on planet earth. My traditional motifs Operandi is to immediately cut the person off, fade into the background, and ghost them entirely, as I have done many times in my life. I have done this without hesitation, with the only variable being the time I allowed myself to calm down. I have done this to lovers, close friends, and family members. For an unforgiven action in the 1980s, I would not speak to my younger brother for approximately 15 years. This situation was the disposition of my parent's home that went back to the bank for a minor loan that my brother took on the house in the 1990s. I was contacted too late to make the late payments, and the place was lost. The incident that caused my virtual disappearance was how the money was used. I'll say it was a legal issue that eventually led to my brother's incarceration. We repaired our relationship shortly before his death in 2002. This situation is more complicated because, after a terrible car accident in 1987, I was left a widower with a small child. That child remains the light of my life, and regardless of where she presently is, I remain proud of what she has become. I did not do her any favors with my subsequent choices afterward, leaving her in the care of a woman that mentally abused her. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I did this more than once. Even then, she was the voice of reason that led to the ending of my downward spiral. Her words to me that afternoon years later I remember as if it was yesterday. "Dad, if you keep going the way you are going, the only person that will love you in your old age is me" I knew that was true as I was running roughshod through the population in a revenge vendetta. I was being unkind and out only for myself. All that changed when I met my current spouse. I have asked for another chance to be a dad, and I found that chance with her grandson. He was in a car seat in the back of her car when I came to assist with a flat tire. That was 12 years ago, and I now have three grandsons that call me Papi from that one daughter. That leads me to the day most recently when I jest offended her sensibilities, which led to a monologue that stated her feelings about what I said and tied it together with the malaise that is prevalent in the social dialogue of today. My first thought was to think, Ok, if that's how I will be this political adversary, so be it, I will love you always, but I don't have to be around that kind of rhetoric if I do not want to. You have made it to adulthood. You have talent, and drive; my presence in your life is no longer necessary for you. I'll miss you, but I understand. That was my first thought. Giving it a couple of days, it settled into I will never speak to her in that way again. I will keep it formal and avoid any topic of conversation that will lead to complicated feelings. I was guilty of the same thing that I was holding over the heads of others; I was not giving grace. Grace is a unique thing. It cannot be demanded, for it is a gift provided without any expectation of return. So, it's only my place to give grace, which I am doing now in retrospect. If I receive grace, it is not my issue; it is my issue to provide grace. That is what I have agonized over the last couple of days. Having to sidestep my pride, quash my anger and recognize that this person I love is worthy of that love and more. She is why I can write an essay about personal grace coming from a place where I continue to receive abundant amounts just to be stingy with it when it was my turn to give it. I am ashamed and will pray to receive forgiveness for my shortsightedness. 

Grandson conversations

                                                       Grandson conversations.

 

Today's talk was interesting. It took place in the drive up to drop my grandson at school.

"Papi, how do you know you are about to run out of gas?" "Well, son, there is a part on the dashboard that shows me that." At that point, the line had stopped for the busses to leave the parking lot, so I had about a minute. Putting the car in park, I let him get in the front seat, as we were no longer on the road, but in the school's parking lot. It was just in time as the line started to move again. I asked my grandson to look at the dashboard at the next stop. "What do you see? He said he sees E and F with a line this pointing to E. what do they mean? Grandson answered F means it is full, and what does E mean? Pausing a few seconds, he says EXPLODE; no son, it means something else, so if you have a glass of water and the water is to the top of the glass to the point of it spilling, is what? He said it is full; ok then if you throw it away at that point, I took My cup of hot tea and pretended to throw it out, seeing that I had already finished. I asked then, what about now? He paused and thought once again. So, I said would it be empty? YEA empty, the grandson replied. It also has a light that indicates that it is very low, and it is possible to run out of gas within a few miles. He understood then. He is looking for a complex answer and not choosing the easy ones, but that is a guess. My wife showed me the note on his report card where he struggles with using a singing voice instead of just shouting. (I so want to see that) Well, I might not teach the world to sing; however, one seven-year will discuss that with me shortly.

Proverbs 3

 Proverbs 3

 

1My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:

2 For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.

3 Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:

4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

            As the Father, God reminds us not to forget his laws and commandments. To ensure the most extended, most peaceful life one can have. It is an admonition for a life with a minimum of strife and problems. Please do not turn away from mercy and truth to keep them close to you and memorize them for instant recall. Trust God with all your heart entirely, and at all times, even at those times, it seems that following those truths may not appear profitable or correct; trust that following God’s laws are valid at all times. Give
God, the credit for the things in your life, and He will give you direction in that life.

 

7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.

8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

9 Honour the Lord with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:

10 So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

            Do not think too highly of yourself; respect the Lord and leave evil behind. Give the honor to God by attending to the needs of God first before taking care of your personal needs. This is to ensure that the endeavors that one pursues are successful and plentiful enough to provide for your needs, wants, and desires. It is suitable for one’s health and the maintenance of the body spiritually and physically.

11 My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:

12 For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

            When mistakes are made, do not hate the correction. The only failure is to fail to learn from a mistake. Those lessons are given to the children that he is pleased

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13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom and the man that getteth understanding.

14 For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.

15 She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.

16 Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left-hand riches and honour.

17 Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.

18 She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.

19 The Lord by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens

20 By his knowledge, the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew.

            A wise man is happy, for he finds wisdom and understanding. Wisdom has value better than silver and is more profitable than gold wisdom; her preciousness is more than jewels; there is nothing comparable to wisdom and her benefits. Wisdom extends the length of life on the one hand and riches and honors on the other. Following wisdom will lead to a pleasant life, and the path of wisdom gives peace. The Tree of life is rooted in wisdom, and a happier person will live when wisdom is kept close at hand. Wisdom is that thing that created the earth, understand set in motion the universe. By the knowledge of God, the mountains and the seas were formed, and the cycle that sustains the world was established. 

21 My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion:

22 So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck.

23 Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble.

24 When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

            Son, do not let wisdom depart from your vision; always use sound judgment. It will be life to you and your soul. You shall travel safely and not trip over the obstacles that present themselves. Your sleep will be peaceful and quiet, not filled with stress and fear

25 Be not afraid of sudden fear, nor the desolation of the wicked when it cometh.

26 For the Lord shall be thy confidence and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

27 Withhold not good from them to whom it is due when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.

28 Say not unto thy neighbor, Go, and come again, and tomorrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee.

            Do not be paralyzed by fear that comes out of a sudden; neither should you fear the wrath of the evil when it eventually comes. The Lord will be the confidence you exude, and it shall keep you safe. Do not withhold goodness to those deserving of it when it’s up to you and within your power. Please do not turn your neighbor away when you have the wherewithal at hand; give when you have it available.

29 Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee.

30 Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.

31 Envy thou, not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways.

32 For the froward is abomination to the Lord: but his secret is with the righteous.

33 The curse of the Lord is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just.

34 Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly.

35 The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

            Do not construct evil plans against your neighbor while at peace with you and relying on you. Do not contend with anyone without cause, having done you no harm. Do not think highly of an aggressor; do not adapt his ways or mannerisms. The Stubborn and obstinate are an abomination to the Lord but are gracious to the righteous. The people that practice wickedness is accursed: but God blesses the household of the just. God will scorn those that practice scorn: but grace is given to the humble  The inheritance of the wise is glory, but shame is the reward for fools.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            

Another ride home discussion with Jax

 Another ride home discussion with Jax

 

            Today, Jax told me about his children's church lesson on our ride home. In his usual way, he gave me the story's high points in Acts 5; 1-11 how Ananias and his wife Saphira held back part of an offering for the early church. A plot of land was sold. The proceeds were to be used as start-up capital for the early church. He lied and said that those funds were all he received from the sale. When Peter called him out on it, he fell dead. Now the problem was not what he did, but what he said that he did. The gains from the sale were his to use as he saw fit. But he chose to be untruthful in what he said to Peter, and more importantly, The Holy Ghost. So, my questions for Jax were why he lied about it; was it necessary to tell a lie? Finally, what was the result of that lie? The answers were that it was unnecessary to lie as the land was his, and the proceeds were his to do what he pleased. The point was to look good with the people committed to giving all. The result was the death of Ananias and the subsequent death of his wife as she was a participant in the ruse that they attempted.  

            With that finished, "Jackson, why is it important not to lie?" His answer was, "so I don't get punished, yea, but NO! The reason (in most cases) the reason not to lie is because you want your word to be relied upon so people can depend on and trust you when you tell them something. The ability to be relied upon is very important because, in a family, we will defend you to the end if we believe you are being truthful. Remember when I told you I would get you some more of those mints you like? When I said that, I was bound to my words to do my best to accomplish it. However, after looking, we found that those mints were sold out, so I got something else; by the way, do you like them?

      There are (rare situations) when it could be tricky, to tell the truth, as when faced with an absolute evil asking you a question, and the ability not to answer is not allowed. I was in one of those no-win situations when a superior officer ordered me to give a yes or no answer. The answer was more detailed than that, but I was not given the option. So, I answered a truthful YES SIR and took a tremendous A-Chewing. It was one of the worst I have ever received. The answer was 100% honest but also 100% percent inaccurate. I personally have no problem lying in the presence of evil. (Known evil) but I prefer not to answer when asked a loaded question. I will deflect, defer, ask another question, or wiggle out of it somehow. What kind of question would that be. Something like, does this dress make me look fat? My answer to that question is, first, why would you ask such a foolish question like that; you think I'm some kind of new crazy? But I digress. 

Being a grandfather is my highest calling and one that I take seriously. I really enjoy conversations with my grandsons. It allows them to know me and for me to know them better every time we talk. Right at the time of this writing, the middle grandson is bringing me his laptop so we can discuss his grades. We will discuss every subject and what he liked or disliked about them and discuss what he has learned this quarter. I can't wait; this is going to be a total gas.