Fear is the mind killer

Fear is the Mind-Killer

The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/xed-xK4IOYU 

This premise is the thought behind this dissertation. 1st a little about me, I will let you all know my weakness, my Achilles heel. It is total abject Anger and Rage. I will tell you my fears; I fear success and failure. Knowing this, I will state for the record that I am a total CONTROL FREAK!!! I, however, do not need to control others. I have an intense/consuming need to control myself, starting with my emotions. I have a dread and intense fear of heights. I don't want to even be on a ladder, but for 20 years, I found myself in or on the following objects 100,000-gallon fuel tanks, worked in bucket trucks, and ran category five cables over the top of a 15 ton overhead crane (warehouse size). It was my job; it was something that had to be done, and fear had to be overcome. My pet peeve (the one relevant to this discussion) is TOTAL ABJECT MINDNUMBING FEAR!!! It causes a visceral reaction that triggers my anger and rage, but being the control freak, I try to throttle down my own emotions, as they can intimidate others.   I'm not talking about fears like drowning, dangerous animals, and fish when I talk about fear. Those are healthy fears. I'm speaking of the fear of things that do not have any capacity to harm anyone, bringing total panic (the jumping up and down screaming wildly in panic.)   This is why a person can control others when you (as an adult) cannot control yourself.

I survey my environment, especially when driving home from work. I try to think "what if" with the cars around me to have a preplanned course of action when or if the stuff hits the fan. Now Back to fear. With this being my pet peeve, let me tell you what I cherish and value most is COURAGE. The ability to work effectively when faced with the prospect of imminent harm to one's self or one's loved ones. The character I admire most in the movie saving Private Ryan was the sniper." Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight" The least favorite character was the TOTAL COWARD that let his buddy get run through with his bayonet by a German soldier and stood passively by when that soldier came back down the stairs. I felt this emotion coming up from my core. I wanted to beat him with my bare hands. I can't watch that movie again because that feeling I get in that scene is overwhelming. 

For me (unwarranted), fear is something to me that is so repugnant that I have to take control of myself and throttle myself mentally. I have to accept others in their paths in life, or it will consume me… When I get that way, I have to do something constructive of a physical nature, as it is difficult to be angry and tired at the same time.

Now I have used fear in the past to control others. I have two examples, one of fear and one of overcoming fear (It worked like a champ both times). There was a football game years ago (more like decades). I coached 10-12-year-olds, and we got down 14-0 in the 2nd quarter. They ran the multiple-  offense and ran it well. I thought of an easy solution: assignment football, as it would work at that level. Got the defense together told them to start with the Defensive Ends. If the QB comes your way running the option, CLOCK HIM whether he has the ball or not. Just hit him. It stated in the rule book, "any person running with the ball or simulating running the ball can be legally tackled."

I read the rule to the defense concerning people simulating having the ball to prove it, as I kept a rulebook in my pocket at all times. I said, "Son, if you can't make the play make a mess." gentlemen, I mean, hit him and let his ancient forefathers feel it. Do it legal and HARD!!! To the Linebackers, if the ball comes to your side, tackle the Fullback at all costs. The offside Linebacker pursues and hits the 1st person in an odd-colored jersey turning the corner to the tackles, making contact with the tackle/guard, and first disrupting the guard as he wants to block the onside backer, then penetrate. Corners, you have the pitchman (period); you can bust him and knock him down if he is behind the line of scrimmage, and he will pitch the ball to no one. Safeties, you have everything else because they might pass, so cover pass 1st run 2nd.

Now with those instructions, we went to work. Pitch came. WHAM, QB was on his butt, and the pitchman dropped for a loss (I'm smiling now). It went on with mixed results, but they didn't make the 1st down, so we got the ball back. We finally scored on a broken play (I'll take it). So it ended at 14-7 at the half.   Reinforced what I told them during the break, and the kids were excited. They got the ball 1st in the 2nd half. They kept running it and didn't catch on to what I was doing. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, the QB was having a bad day. Then it happened, he faked it tried to turn the corner, and the end got his facemask on the football and fumbled. The Linebacker scooped it up (he should have fallen on it), now 14-14. Both teams fought to a stalemate to the 4th quarter, then I noticed something. The QB always looked play-side when the option was called, and his hands were visibly shaking. The middle backer saw it too. I called time out. (I should not have, but it seemed like a good idea at the time)I told the defense we had them right where we wanted them, and I predict you guys will win the game on defense (because the offense was having trouble, as their defense was excellent). The end came late in the 4th quarter when (true to form) the QB's hands started visibly shaking again. He took the snap, saw the end, and pitched the ball, completely missing the back. The DB picked it up and took it straight to the HOUSE. 21-14, with 2 minutes left, we held on and won the game. That was due to the fear that we inspired.

Now for overcoming fear, in another Football game (this Time in Okinawa), I had this kid who could throw the ball. This time it was 11-13-year-olds. He had a problem because he looked at the rush instead of the receivers. I called a time-out after a sack when he held the ball too long (we had someone WIDE!!! open in the seam alone). "Son, we have a great game, don't we? Man, id buys a ticket to see this one."  I need to pull you so we can have a talk. You aren't in trouble, but I need to talk with you. We put the other QB in, moved the ball enough for our discussion, and went like this. Ok, I need to ask you a question. "If you are locked up in a fight with a dog, are you going to fight the dog or try not to get bitten?" he said; try not to get bitten, WRONG MY FRIEND!!! You are fighting a dog. He will bite you, and the best way to stop getting bit is to get the dog not to want to fight, so you have to fight with ALL YOU GOT to get that dog off of you. I noticed the confused look, and I brought it home for him. You are in a football game. Are you going to try not to get hit, or will you throw the DANG ROCK? We got guys running wide open, and they can catch. Trust them and put the ball where I tell you, and I promise you will score…  This was the 2nd game of the season.   Ok, this is the next call fake 32 dive pass. I'm sending the left side wide-out on a post. Just put it up and let's see what happens…  we ran the play, but this time he stood there looking for the receiver's break, and just when he released the ball, WHAM, the Linebacker clocked him. (I thought he would go for the fake, my bad) The ball hit the receiver in stride, and 63 yards later, TOUCHDOWN!!! I looked back at the QB. He was running to me, COACH, I DID IT. I said yes, you did. When we get back on offense, you can do it again. I also told him if we get the ball back right away, he can get started NOW. You are in at safety, so GET EM!!! YES, COACH!!! He ran out on the field, and the safety came off and looked at me. I said Dude; you are getting back in the game; trust me…   Suddenly there was a fumble, and at the bottom of the pile was the QB/safety, and he was jumping and screaming. (I think I unlocked a Frankenstein) ran a couple of dives with no soap, so I called a pass. (3 steps drop slant/hook/go both backs stay in.)  QB drops back. He sees nothing, then he takes off running. I YELLED WHAT YA DOIN (never mind) Touchdown… he came back to me smiling again, and I had this (faked mad look) DID I CALL FOR A RUN. He said no, coach… good job, son thinking on your feet cause there was nothing there. We won the game by three touchdowns. We made the playoffs that year and made it to the Super Bowl for our age group but lost 12-6. Stuff happens… The Pizza eased the sting of defeat. I was so proud of him. His dad told me later that he was a changed young man after that. I don't know where he is now, but I have a picture of him and the team in my office, and I am so proud of them.  

Fear can control you, or you can control yourself, as self-control is the ultimate goal of a control freak like me. To quote my father, "BOY, when you see me get scared, it's time to be scared."

P/S, you all know that courage is contagious, but so is cowardice…..

My older self meets my former self

My older self

Here I am waiting at the bar in the Salias international hotel in Manila, Philippines. It was in 1983.

I'm waiting for someone he is in a cab, and if I have my time right, he should be entering the lobby right about "there he is" I know which way he will be traveling and I know why he is here. So, I sit in his path he glances at me takes two steps and stops cold. You should see the look on his face; it is a much younger version of Me, a 65-year-old man that he is thinking looks remarkably like his father. Salt and pepper hair six-foot-tall about 200 lbs I say Hey Manny, how are you. I see the surprise on his face, so I tell an elaborate lie. Remember your uncle Luther you met in 1973. I am his son.

My name is Oliver. He states that's his middle name. He asks, why are you here? Well, your cousins in Kansas were tracking down relatives, and we heard about Jessie Mae and what happened. We are deeply sorry for your loss. I work for a company that does business in this part of the world. We were looking for you for the best part of a year.  We have already spoken to Jimmy, and he thought it would be great if we could meet, so here I am.  Have you got some time to talk?  I know he does because his date will not be here until tomorrow afternoon. I also know what he is planning for this evening. (I smile knowing he won't make it) she was bad juju anyway.  So young man, what are you drinking, I know its either Gin and roses or a long island Iced tea. Gin and roses, but I changed the Gin from the cheap crap to Bombay Sapphire.  One sip and it was all over no more cheap gin for him anymore. We talked about his decision to join the USAF. I agreed, and he gave me a rundown of what was going on in his life.  Boy, was I off the chain back then.

            Then it was my turn. Manny, I want to give you the benefit of my experience, and if you apply, it will change your life forever. Bout the running around you are doing. When it comes to the ladies, "all money ain't good money."  I'm not saying to stop what you are doing. I am saying that you need to know who and what you are dealing with and do not invest emotion into a situation that is not going to make you happy, and walk away from the ones that don't. About your friends, I know you have some. Pick carefully to find out what they are about, and it is not the direction you want to go in don't go with them. Only associate with people that are further up the road than you are Physically Career-wise, emotionally, and Spiritually. They can lift you to their level; the rest will pull you down to theirs. You have a job to do, do it, and lead people and don't be led by the unworthy. You are not responsible for the decisions of others, just yours, and being accountable to whom you report whether you like them or not.  Respect the rank or position if you cannot respect the man (they will not know the difference) always be 100% formal, especially with the ones you can't stand.  Do stuff you can't stand. Set yourself apart or do your job better than anyone else.  Finally, how much was this hotel stay and how long are you staying. Well, I am pretty sure you are off Friday seeing this is Thursday, so how long are you here.  Until Saturday night (he said), That is good you will need a day to recuperate.   About money, do not spend it all. They live like a beggar for the remaining time until uncle sugar pays out again. Save enough to have two grand (untouchable) just in case trust me you will need it. Do not buy junk.             Remember that Gin and roses, how much better were that than the stuff you usually drink. The dough you save and invest now will save you a mountain of grief later trust me 10,000 sitting somewhere means you can move freely without worrying about anything. Buy a cheap as hell car until you can save the cash to buy something beautiful.  And I know you know this because of what your parents taught you. The Borrower is servant to the lender.   Do you have any questions my advice will make you a rich man when you look like me, and you will?   Oliver, how do you know all these things. I said, son. This is the wisdom that comes from experience. Mostly painful experience.  A word of advice do not do what you are planning to do tonight, consider what we talked about, and tomorrow will be more fun than you can imagine. Trust me.  Life will show you things in time that prove all the things I told you and you will benefit from them

            Now I'm returning home; it's a long flight. The 1^st thing I notice is that I got upgraded to 1^st class on the way home. I'll take it. The 2^nd thing I noticed was the car keys that I packed in my bag. I go to my spot and hit the lock button, and I saw the lights flash. It was not the care I drove to the airport in, but it was a new Lexus SUV.  I put my bags in and started the car and hit the navigation, and it did not point to an apartment, I had my daughter house sit while I was gone, she met me in the driveway, but I did not recognize the house was magnificent, as was my wife Oh damn it wasn't the wife I left. I did not remember her, but she adored me. Now I'm scared, forget scared, I'm terrified I now know the gravity of what I had done in talking to my former self I changed the course of my life. I checked on my old family, and they were ok. My grandsons were doing just fine, but I was only an observer of their lives from this point onward, and I started to cry. I would do what I could from the outside, helping them along the way.

There are no do-overs (without consequence); do it right the 1^st time.

Ruth in reverse

Ruth

(in reverse)

I met this lady in 2009; I was between situations as my last relationship crashed and burned. I provided the match to a known volatile situation. It would take years for this distant friendship to develop into a relationship and then a marriage. At that time, I was emotionally compromised. I found myself in a spot that handled a need for companionship but did not quite make the cut for a relationship. That is the beginning of this story.

  The acquaintance became a friendship, which in turn grew into a relationship and a marriage. We both had issues that needed resolution. We were married at my home and started being a family.  Now she had two daughters; one had children that were doing fine. The other had challenges.  She, like me, had previous situations, and those situations placed stress on her and her mom. Her sons two and then a third. Hit me in this special place in my heart.  I am keen on the concept of raising productive and well-adjusted men, and their situation at that time was not advantageous to that end. I, at that point, was the Patriarch of that portion of the family. I am looked up to for counsel and advice.  Two relationships did not go as well as could be expected.    While remaining in the leadership position, I noticed that the other people in this situation with her were not as invested in the young men as they were in her. (love me love my kids) one of these men was the father of two of my grandsons. (that is another story for another day long from now) The daughter was industriously receiving a bachelor’s degree and then a master’s degree and was working diligently to make a home for her and the boys. Striking out on her own, she started a new career in the city of Columbus, OH.

 I was closing in on Civil Service retirement as I had already retired from the United States Air Force. That is 38 years in federal service in one way or another.  Plan A move to a different location and start a humble existence living with my bride and visiting the grandkids when appropriate. Plan B move into proximity of the Grandchildren of one parent or another and set up a new life being retired. Neither one of these worked as planned. I am in the process of selling the house, getting another job after I retire from civil service, and moving to be in close to the grandsons in their location. Yes, Columbus, OH.  At this point, Ruth, in reverse, comes into play. Instead of Ruth following Boaz, Boaz is following Ruth as she wants to stay involved in the grandchildren’s life.  What I have not told (which is another story) is that I, in my lowest moment, prayed for another chance to be the parent that I was meant to be. This prayer had the full chorus of crying, despair, and the requisite amount of repentance, as I was sincere in wanting to be better at being the mentor, I longed to be.  I am weeks away from the moving vans truck haulers and airline flights that will take me to where my wife and daughter reside The wife having relocated there in April of this year for me to prepare for the sale of my home.  My daughter has found an individual that wishes for the same things that I want for the boys. In a surprise move, he flew here and stayed with me for two weeks doing the heavy lifting that was instrumental in my receipt of a full price offer on my present home. I am now in the process of acquiring a home in Columbus, OH.

Additionally,  area and have an offer on the table for a new home.  This home will be the residence of all the members of this new merry band of nomads seeking a place to call home I could not leave three young men to the wolves of society without being there to assist them.  I told the young man that I am not his dad; however, I offer the benefits of my previous mistakes and mentorship in the future.  

Ruth 1:16 She answered: Be not against me, to desire that I should leave thee and depart: for whithersoever thou shalt go, I will go: and where thou shalt dwell, I also will dwell. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

Immortality

Immortality

                                                             (How to live forever)         

The list of Immortal people is long and extends throughout known history. Sun Tzu, Jesus, Mohammed, Guttenberg, Louis Pasteur, Lord Nelson, George S Patton Douglas Mac Arthur, Xerxes, and King Leonidas, the list is endless. All these individuals have something distinctive to all of them; they are all remembered. In some cases, these people have been gone for thousands of years but remembered nonetheless and spoken of regularly.

My Fathers, Father, Benjamin Franklin Crawford, was born in Kansas in 1866.  My Father Eugene Oliver Crawford was born in December 1908, and I was born in 1955., my daughters were born in 1981 and 1984, how do I know my grandparent, and my father still lives. Various reasons I look like my father.  I sound like my father, especially when I have to be “serious.” And at special times I open my mouth, and my father comes out as in “Son, what did you do? Wait, take the time, and get your lie straight.” That is how I know they still live because the words still live inside me.  The memory of how these flawed human beings navigated through this life is an example of what to and what not to do. 

These are just memories of my family. How many more stories of what mom and dad in their lives are remembered.  How much more multiplied by the billions that have followed to this date. I initially spoke of historical figures in the beginning. Characters from which our cultural consciousness has grown. My experience is not unique. I have seen cultures that have annual pilgrimages to the gravesite, remembering lost loved ones.  In some Asian traditions, the graves of the departed are cleaned as part of their remembrance.  The young participate as these traditions are hands down to posterity.

    Remembering the courage of our heroes makes it a virtue of having courage. Knowing that someone persevered when it seemed impossible, Leonidas and the 300 will never be forgotten, as their deeds live on long after their death. In something like 480 BC. These deeds live on as do the doers of these exploits.  

All the people and their deeds are remembered and will be for an exceedingly long time. It is our mission to have a presence in our families' lives in particular, and society in general to have an impact that is memorable and at the same time to remember our loved ones to keep their spirit alive. It is in that way we carry the banner of our family’s legacy forward for future generations.  I was so moved by talking to Theodore and Tabatha as this is was the very 1^st time I have viewed them and formally introduced to them as their Grandfather is now my mission to become indelible to them so I will not fade away into a distant family history. That is a daunting task as I have so much time that has gone by where I was out of contact with them.  The good thing is that my daughter Jennifer has seen them and is a marker to a grandfather that existed only in legend to this date. 

     What I can say is remember your family, love your family, and keep the feelings sharp noting only the good things what happened in your time with your mom. This is a marathon and not a sprint.  The time you take to reach some sense of normality is yours and yours alone. Its your pace that counts and that you own totally.                                                                  

My last impressions of my job

I have come to accept my weaknesses; most of them are internal, based on my introverted nature. Yes, my friends, I am an introvert. A social one but an introvert, nonetheless.  I am a classic INFJ I operate with intuition as my 1^st line of defense. Yes, I am a person that believes that facts are much more truthful than feelings. However, it is the way I sense the world outside. 

 For that reason, I found myself dissatisfied in the position I am shortly leaving. I love what I do love it to the point that I am planning the next 15-20 years of my career. With life expectancy, the only determining factor. Or, more accurately, I plan on burning out instead of rusting out. here is the issue

In my present situation, I am dependent on individuals that, in many cases, I cannot see or contact for the performance of my systems. I find that "troubling" here is a clear example. I was placed "in charge" of a system for a departing employee. He told me on Thursday that I would be getting training on how it worked. He departed by very next Monday. And the system failed on Tuesday. I fond myself in a severe AZZ chewing session with the CIO and all the members of the team that supported that system. What we found was that security protocols were changed, and the ports ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port_(computer_networking) were changed so that the system could no longer communicate with my server.  The location where that control took place was in San Diego.

Additionally, the internal wireless network was not communicating with the infusion pumps in the hospital wards( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infusion_pump). These receive updates from the formulary stored on my server. At the same time, the server was scheduled for an upgrade to windows 2016r2 and the client's upgrades to windows 10. I submitted data for the quote in April of this year that the contract has yet to compete  

 Additionally, we had no maintenance agreement with the vendor, a fact I discovered after receiving a reprimand for the problems listed above concerning that reprimand the individual instead of using straight forward language would use nuanced insult and sarcasm to get their point across. This grates against my personality and professional style. It turned a job that would be exciting to one of dread of even being present on a day to day basis. Upon receipt of said reprimand, I changed instead of being this person that cared deeply. I split myself in two. The 1^st person would help the customer base in any way possible, going out of my way to assist them any way I could. The 2^nd guy did his job, and when hit by a roadblock, not a technical one, but a faceless human problem, I would shut down and move on to a problem I could fix.  Not giving a second thought to the initial problem (but kept a note noting where we last left off) I would like to insert this point. When questioned on any issue that I had on any system, It felt just like an interrogation, having to prove my discoveries and contentions. I do not interrogate well. I am tempted to give my name rank and service number. If someone is looking for a reason to place blame, just let me know ill accept as at point I no longer cared. The last monkey on my back was an upgrade from a Windows 2008R2 server to a windows 2016 server. That issue had so many moving parts. It looked more like the difference between an abacus and an enigma machine. The good news is that the vendor was incredibly supportive of that system from the day it started. They helped me to understand a system that no significant documentation was available throughout my time there. I set a goal for myself to have that system running before my departure as I have submitted my retirement from civil service. I had begun to doubt my knowledge and proficiency of those things that I knew that I knew. (Our team, which included my mentor, the person that told me what I needed to do to become an IT technician 23 years earlier) We worked together. We got the system operational, but wait another problem arose; this problem would not have been evident without the covin19 situation. Since we are working from home, I can touch feel and operate the server system and the software remotely. But the average user could not.

I could because of my group membership as an administrator.  Once again, that process is controlled in another city and state, of San Antonio, TX. Even with that, it encompasses two different sections that are in San Antonio, TX. The Ports and protocol section and the firewall office. Remember those ports in the wiki listed above. Note (You can have a total of 65,535 TCP Ports and another 65,535 UDP ports. When a program on your computer sends or receives data over the Internet, it sends that data to an  IP address and a specific port on the remote computer, and receives the data on a usually random port on its own compute).

When the New server came online, that line of communication failed, which meant if the user's butt was not sitting in the office physically at the hospital, that user was "straight out of luck" unless a workaround was available. Luckily, one was available. We have a web interface that can operate within our network that interface. However, it had to be configured on a case by case basis. Now that game was being played in an area that I was fully capable of helping in. Using Microsoft Teams, I was able to walk people through the process of getting them online.  Bout that port firewall thing. We have sent out network configuration to that office using our internal work order system. To date, it's still not fixed I can make an inquiry as to the status which I do biweekly we will see what comes of that. I contend that the old server had an IP, and the new server had an IP  switch them, and there you go, or since I in my position can access the server over the VPN, then modify the joe user accounts just enough to be able to access the server. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtual_private_network

I am embarking on a new adventure at a new hospital.  I'm nervously excited at the prospect.  I was told that whatever the area that I choose, I could be the resident expert in that area, as I will receive the information and the training necessary to accomplish it.
At this point, I would like to express my gratitude for all the assistance I received in my section. My guys helped me navigate the spaghetti bowl of system interconnection, and were ready with a kind word and a laugh I will miss them and their camaraderie. 

I look forward to that change and, if correct, a breath of fresh air after being in the service of the U.S Government for over 38 years.

Part of my family

We all have a family, some natural, and some acquired over time. My Extensive family has more—acquired members than natural ones.   This is a story about one of these and how the current malaise is pressuring them. (and how I'm not too fond of it) 

This story begins with the loss of my mother suddenly due to a heart attack.  I was utterly dependent on my parents for counsel.  All this was good when I was 12, but I was now 25 and had no clue how to do anything on my own. I was living in Orange County, California, and recently separated from my 1st wife.

I was working in a factory that produced dumb terminals for mainframe computers. I, in my current state of loss, took time to think.  My Father Eugene O Crawford 1908-1975 spoke to me from the depts of my memories. (he still does) "Son, if you do not have a job or know what to do, The US Military is a place you can find your way."  So, I went to a recruiter and initially wanted to join the Marines. It was October/November 1980, and I thought, "if you do this, you will be running jumping shooting and, in the mix, until you are 46 years old. Nope, that wasn't happening. I was not going into the navy (water) or the Army.

So, it was to the AF recruiter.  With that complete, I returned to work. A couple of days later, I was called into the office; I was laid off.  My enlistment was not to begin until April 1981., as this was October/November. I was directly looking homelessness in the face. I had to move out of my apartment that I shared with a couple of Jamaican brothers (literally. Jamaican brothers), and I was out on the street. Just then, I was talking to a friend. He offered me a room which was reasonable until my enlistment date came up between my severance pay and the temp jobs, I took over that time I was set.  He had to talk to his folks first, but he said it would be cool. Well, it was cool with them. I moved into the room and met the family. The Dad was Aerospace Engineer and the Mom, a nurse, my family grew by four more souls. They are members of my family in the status of Brothers from other mothers and sisters from other misters.  I attended church with them, as I have never been to a Presbyterian church before not bad at all just different. During the family discussions that I was invited to participate. The advice and warnings that I received from the Dad came back to me numerous times in my 20 years of military service. Every last one of them turned out to be true.  This Phrase that was impressed upon me saved my bacon more than once in those 20 years.  "Sir, I have no legitimate excuse for my actions and am ready to accept the responsibility for those actions."    When I said that, it was the last shot, the buzzer-beater that would keep being from being reprimanded or arrested. It could turn a reprimand to a counseling session.   This was to be used a one time (per assignment), it was that important.  I was not an angel, but I knew how to talk to my superiors in a language that they preferred.  I learned this from Dad from the Mom. I learned patience and compassion; I should say I was exposed to patience and compassion as it would take a long time (over 40 years) to become my default position. It was their way, as I was not the only person that they helped like that over the decades. I consider myself fortunate to have met them and to have them in my life.  I wrote this essay to let them and the entire world that this particular black life mattered to them.  Knowing that this world is going down the tubes and there is a rising pressure to apologize for something you have never participated in do not yield to it one inch.  This is the 2020 remix of the Spanish inquisition that started in 1492. and ended in 1834, according to the wiki. There are some interesting parallels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_Inquisition

                              

An evil prank

An evil prank

It was on tour with the Velvet Knights. I’m guessing circa 1975 we were driving east, leaving California in early July. We were crossing a really long desert stretch where we had been putting down water, soda, or anything else we could get. The apparent problem occurred when it was time to return that water to the earth. Well, the bus driver did not want to stop. Mile after mile went by and the bursting feeling just got more intense, we need to stop.  After the driver said no for the umpteenth time, one of the more adventuresome horn players. It had to be a soprano because the baritone and middle horns were not that adventurous. We resorted to using empty Gatorade containers or anything that would seal to tide us over.
For the question of the day we ask, does anyone know what warm apple juice looks like? Yes, you do!!  So this unnamed horn player went up to the driver and said. “If YOU DON’T STOP THE BUS RIGHT NOW IO’M GOING TO DRINK THIS. “He then showed the half-empty container of apple juice and downed it. As we all know, “Perception IS Reality!” The driver immediately became violently ill, stopped the bus and let his projectile vomit escape on the side of the road.  We all piled off the bus, found a safe place to go, and relieved the mounting pressure.  That driver had to be replaced at the next stop.   I was 17 or 18  long ago in a galaxy far away.