The Next Step

The next step   

Well, I got started in the next phase of the I want to live, as I’m not planning on dying any time soon program.   Changed the weekend alarm to 6 AM. Got up and went to the GYM. As some of you know, I renewed my Gym membership sometime last week. Well, it was interesting comedic but interesting. You all know the saying “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” That’s kind of what happened.  I went to elliptical machines and put my weight and age in the computer and started working out. I set a goal of 20 mins the 1^st Time out.  Then it happened.  The Following is a public service announcement DO NOT under any circumstances play Sirius XM 80’s workout while doing cardio if you are recovering from all the Shiznet I experienced over the last 3 years.  I was not feeling bad. I was kind of energized at 1^st. However, the machine kept sending warnings “YOU ARE EXCEEDING THE RECOMMENDED HEART RATE SLOW DOWN” How can I do that? The Pointer Sisters were blowing Neutron dance I was just keeping up. Then Thomas Dolby’s Blinding them with Science came on. Then Rod Stewarts Young hearts started. Then next time I knew I’m watching flashing warnings stating in essence “YOU OLD MF SLOW YO AZZ DOWN” the 20 mins was almost over so said just go on and finish.

                        Then I knocked 3 triceps exercises the 1^st With dumbbells (not the one sitting on the bench) the 2 10 Pounders from the rack. Basically, the one when one sits upright keeping the elbow next to one’s head then extending the arm over the head. 2^nd triceps pulldowns on the cable machine and finally the one with the machine behind me and bending over and extending the arms working the triceps. It was not too bad even though I could feel it in the right places. The technique was much more important than weight. Washed the Santa Fe bought coffee for Wanda and I and now here I am finishing my blog entry for today.  

I have made myself accountable for what I have planned for tomorrow. Told a couple of friends that I respect and the universe (The internet) That I will be getting up tomorrow and heading to worship.   It's amazing what happens when one accepts the concept that a ‘Dead Man Walking” no longer applies to them.

 Whoda thunk it? Body Mind Spirit what a concept!

Wrong again

I Was Really wrong this time Pt2

This one is going to sting a bit. The good thing is that I did not run my mouth. I exercised the right to remain silent which was an excellent thing. It took a day or so, but I finally had my OH-DUH moment.  But 1^st Something about my self-talk this is how it happens. On the outside its completely silent, oh but on the inside, there is some severe AZZ chewing going on with two individual components. 1. my 17-year-old self. Being totally about what he wants and wanting it now. And the voice of reason My Father. Let us relive a conversation that took place in the 1970’s late spring. I remember that it was not summer as I was routinely out of town from June to August marching in my Drum Corps.  VK all the way!!! (inside knowledge required I apologize) I made a request (that’s BS) a demand of my Dad. Who looked at me like I had lost my mind (because I did) and said NO! Now if I withdrew my request and apologized it would have ended there.  Those of you that know me know full well that I could not let it just lie there. I slid all my chips in (like I had cards to play) and doubled down on stupid.  Dad said, “son go into my bedroom and get the strong box from under the bed, and give it to me.” I was confused but complied. I got the box handed it to my dad who opened it and pulled out this document it was the mortgage or the bank letter stating that Eugene Oliver Crawford was the principal on the loan, and was responsible for

making the payments on the home we lived in.  He asked “do you see your name anywhere on this document” I delayed my answer and got a resounding “ANSWER ME BOY!!!” I said (in this tiny voice) No sir.  He continued “I pay the note on this MF, not a GD thing happens there without my permission. Now I don’t have to give you anything but love a roof over your head and food in your narrow Azz and clothes on your back. Don’t bring this I need BS in this conversation, but I got your needs covered and seeing you are leaving town for 3 months to get on a bus to go across the country playing that horn (pointing to the Baritone case on the floor) I think some of your wants are covered too. You need to learn to approach me with some respect and gratitude and you just might get a request, or two met.   I learned a year later he took extra shifts to actually pay for me to live in the Dorm in college. Ok, that what happened way back then. Well, my dad came back to talk to me last week. Not in the flesh but in another episode of Manny’s self-talk.   I had just sold my Camaro (moment of silence) A car that I loved for funds to pay some bills, as I am preparing to see this home and to buy another in the area. I’m comfortable in Las Cruces and intend to stay here for a while I requested another car loan this time for 10K as opposed to 32K so I can double up on payments to get it paid off quicker. My wife, my pearl of great price said we need a pickup truck preferably a quad cab in the 2004-2007 range for hauling stuff around. She said I'll need it to haul the boys around town as well.  OH, OH. Here is where my EGO raised its ugly head. Please note what happens after this is my internal discussion with my 17-year-old persona and the voice of reason and wisdom which was my dad. The 17-year-old spoke and said. Woman who the F are you to tell me what we are going to buy or not to buy. I did not finish this thought before the voice of my dad showed up and said loudly and clearly. “What In the F are you thinking? That is your wife. I thought you were trying to stay married this time. You remember that whining and crying when that woman you send back to the states came back to Okinawa married to the other guy you know your friend that was hitting it while you were out of town. You remember asking the Almighty for one more chance to be a dad that last time when you totally f''d up the chance you had. I know it wasn’t totally on you, but you took the cowards way out with the way you ended it like a sniveling BITCH!!”

“Look I know you are mad about selling the Camaro, but you said it was a business decision, and it was. So how is this her fault?  No SON you are wrong, and this is why. What’s that in the driveway? A 2017 Hyundai Santa Fe that you bought for her, and she is giving it to you for a pickup truck that is not even close to being new.  Finally, are you saying this used roller skate with a bed is your ultimate expression of your driving pleasure?  You are selling the house. Your friend from California told you because you are an old fart you can keep the proceeds, and it is not capital gains and not put in in the new home.  Ya think that you might take a piece of the proceeds and get something like a 2018 Lexus and pay cash for it?  Son, you are a certified idiot” …

Now that day I’m sitting at my desk at lunch sipping my soup, and with tears rolling down my face I am ashamed of how idiotic I was for a moment.  This conversation took place in total silence to anyone looking at me because it was totally inside my head.  I knew I had to come clean to the entire universe and admit my selfishness.  Now today was a good day I got some stuff done. Transferred the pre-paid car washes to the Hyundai renewed my Gym membership and got a lovely haircut.  What I did not do was take my bride my pearl of great price out looking for that new old truck.  That wasn’t my fault duty called at work, and I was logged on to my server from the house for hours picking up the pieces from a power failure at work.  Yes, I’m putting in for the OT I need the dough. Papi has bills to pay…

I WAS WRONG PART 1

             I WAS WRONG!!! Pt1

Boy, I have deemed myself an idiot this week. My self-talk Totally sucked. I jumped to conclusions because my attitude was miserable. I read a post. Not true I read the header of an article, and because I was mad (at something going on at work) I shot off my mouth(fingers) and hit send. On the other end was a friend that I respected but had an investment in the topic. There was an emotional component that I did not consider; which wasn’t hard seeing I did not recognize anyone but my own preconceived notions. I apologized when I discovered what I had done but, now I feel terrible about it. What will I do to do better? Well, 1^st of all do better!!! I have to consider the possible ramifications of me just running wild when I am in sarcasm mode. With the knowledge of I am responsible for what I say think, or write.  I am not a troll I, however, am full of sarcasm but that has to be tempered with the knowledge that there is a thinking, feeling human being sitting in front of their computer screen. I tend to not care intensely what others think I do however have to treat others with respect. Which this week in this and another instance have failed miserably.  I’m sorry KR

Sadness

Sadness

Sometimes there is not enough time. I am in mourning for a person that had a pivotal role in my ability to grow into an adult human being. She is not the only one but, she and her husband were lights in one of my darkest hours. The year was 1980-81 I had been just let go from a job. Soroc Technologies. We made dumb terminals which connected to mainframes. I started in assembly and advanced to hot-test and shipping then I was shipped out to my next adventure (I just didn’t see it that way. I, in fact, had a good friend that worked there that I would love to find again. John Gagnon. We used to go to the old Woody Allen movies and quote the lines all the time. Sorry for the shout-out. I was out on the bricks was staying with my roommates, and since I could not do the rent anymore, I was out of there. I had a friend (Hell still have a friend) Mark that asked his parents if I could move in temporarily until I could get on my feet. We were in a WWII reenactment group that I was exposed to because I was a friend to a curator of a military museum. Yes, there are pictures out there of me in a WWII uniform firing blanks at people in German uniforms. Hell, we did a half-time show. Where I got to shoot a .50 cal from a WWII vintage tank.  There is a picture of me in a WWII jeep at a reenactment dance where I wore pinks and greens. I even took Jitterbug lessons so I could fit into the atmosphere.

            Edith and Grant took me into their home and treated me like family including some sage advice these were some of the kindest people I have met. I will state for the record that this was my blessing from above I have had a series of families that were kind to this knucklehead from south central. That’s another really long story; needless to say, an interesting one.  I had a decision to make. I walked into the Recruiting office in Orange California in the late summer of 1980 and went to the AF recruiter I joined the USAF delayed enlistment entering April 28, 1981.

My 1^st mistake. I should have paid Grant and Edith in advance for the rent they charged for me to be there, as it was very reasonable. Which meant when my dumb butt realized it, I had to get a job. I worked doing temp office work (a strategic decision) as I found office work was good for my dating life.  (another story that will remain untold)

            It was at this time the value of my time with them was made evident. From them, I received some sage advice, and I can point to every time that advice was correct during my time serving in the U.S.A.F.  I was told beware of the guy that wants someone to pay for a round but hesitated reach in their own pocket to buy one. Identified that one right away and lifted a glass to Grant. I just remember seeing a down to earth family going to church, being active in the community and people namely Marc and Carol that are now my brother and sister. Oh, I have plenty of brothers and sisters out there that I have acquired since I was a teenager in So Central LA that I am still in contact with to this day.  Grant was called home to be with the Lord while I was overseas, I did and continue to miss him. Talk about someone that walked it like they talked it.  That was him.  I recently within the last 2 years regained contact with the rest of the family. This was due to the phenomenon of Social Media in particular and Facebook in general. I'm seeing kids, grandkids foreign adventures, and was glad to be in contact with them again.
We exchanged numbers and we call regularly. Edith asked me to come to see her. I unfortunately due to illness and finances was unable to go back to California to see her again. As you see on the 1^st day of spring this year surrounded by family laughing and enjoying each other Edith quietly passed from this existence to the next.  The feelings of grief, sadness and the shame of not being able to come back to California for a visit have deeply affected me.  Now the aftermath and the legal implications of the final disposition of Edith’s final wishes have to be fulfilled. The only thing that I can add to this is that through the years I have seen strange things happen during this tragic time in a family. I started my journey that led to being a part of their family began earlier in 1980 when my mother passed away suddenly. To my California family, you have a cohesive unit full of love and compassion as it is in your DNA, as I had the honor of knowing your mom and dad.  Every time we talked since then it was and is like going home, as you all sound the same. Remember you have each other to carry you through to the rest of your time here on earth. Kids, grandkids sons and daughters and in-laws are looking to you for leadership as you are approaching the top of the pyramid. You have a unique position of leadership that can not be dismissed or devalued.  The adhesive that holds your family together is strong and can withstand the winds of difficulty and change, I know its strong because I know where it came from. Be good to each other because we are are not isolated islands in a stream. we need each other to make it through another day. I have had a recent drought in my writing as of late. Your family has inspired me to continue to do that as I use it to let what I have bottled up to be released into the atmosphere. To do so is to release something eternal into the universe. We as people need to keep the vision our eyes up and aware making sure our loved ones are protected from things from the outside that could do us harm.  Mistakes happen, heck stuff happens every day.

Be Excellent to each other. 

Canned Answers

Canned answers

I don’t watch the news I skim for topics that interest me and do my research on each one. So, when it comes up to the rare occasion that I “stupidly” respond to a work conversation on a lively topic, I do not have a ready list of answers from the Major networks.

1.      I free speech on campus. I blundered to this one with a knee jerk reaction to a dumb azz statement. “You know the president just signed an executive order restricting the ability of a university to restrict free speech on campus.”  With my dumb azz, I blurted out “that’s a bad thing?”  I then heard the rehash of talking points. Oh, Manny, it doesn’t matter and just walk away. Of the 17 people in your section you only care about 6 or 7 on the govt side, and all of the cool azz contractors, that leaves a few that I do not particularly care for.  Oh, I will pull over to help them if they get a flat tire on the highway, but I’m not taking them out for drinks after work.  Unfortunately, This is someone that I respect as he was a MAJOR influence in me getting into IT after I retired from active duty, and have known him for 20+ years. I can tell because he is plugged into the news 6 or 7 hrs a day. I’m usually listening to a book. For the next few days,s it’s a spy novel.  One has to do something while software is loading, unlocking accts and other mundane tasks like patching servers.   So, he comes up with this thought whenever this white supremacist. Goes on campus there are riots my next question (to strike the preverbal match) is Ben Shapiro a white supremacist, just asking? He says can you let me make my point? Go ahead then he goes on the MSNBC rant that I heard heading to the restroom only 15 mins earlier. You see I don’t have canned answers readily on hand that do not require thought. So, If did if a riot is the point of emphasis,  then do we limit the ability of some teams to reach a championship.(I’m looking at you City of Brotherly love)  is the constitution only for those we agree with, or is it the supreme law of the land however flawed it can be  (Dred Scott v Sanford 1857) which was nullified by a subsequent amendments namely 13^th and the 14^th amendments. I believe that it is even with its notable flaws.   I could have had the smart azz answer that I didn’t know you supported the same line of thinking that put Jews in boxcars, but didn’t, or whenever these black people march there is a riot, and we need to sick the police dogs and water hoses on them, but didn’t just let it go as it really didn’t matter.  The person is a terrific guy I have difficulty with the concept of a person well versed in the Bible and says they believe it and some of the things that get from his the internal tape recorder. that two master thing rears its ugly head (I'm just as guilty from time to time.) "Fault in others I can see but praise the lord there's none in me"  thanks pastor 

 2.      Gun control the question was “I don’t know why someone would want a weapon of war for self-protection. Another canned answer My answer was, have you read the decision laid down by the Supreme court in the case of Heller vs. the District of Columbia 2008?  If not educate yourself and we can discuss the merits of that case at a later time then put my headphones (another book) and turned away.  I will note reading the majority opinion of Justice Scalia, and the minority opinion of John Paul Stevens is interesting and more enlightening than any news story offered by any pundit

 3.      Golan Heights after the question “should they give it back to Syria” I asked have you seen a map of the Golan Heights area. It borders Israel from Syria, Jordan, and Lebanon.  Have you read accounts from the 1973 war? How the Golan Heights are the high ground with the border of Israel on a downward slope toward the sea. Have you read the accounts of the pitched battles of the 1^st line units holding on until the reservists could be mobilized outnumbered by hordes of Soviet-made T-55 tanks? Have you looked at the map and thought how did they survive let alone win? Looking at that map one will see the strategic importance of a buffer between themselves and the other hostile nations to the east north and south.  If not, do that 1st because “reading is fundamental” let’s talk later about the aspects of this conundrum.  If reading is tough the History channel has plenty of documentaries on the subject however, in my opinion, reading is much more preferable than getting it on the tube. But that’s just me.

In conclusion:

  I don’t have a ready-made answer that does not require thought even if I don’t like said responses.  If I, as a thinking human being, let others speak for me, or I let them use my brain to parrot the thoughts of others what am I as a person.  There is an old joke that falls in this category. “Some people say I do my thinking with my little head. That’s wrong my little head does my thinking FOR me” The question is whose head is being used to promote the exchange of ideas? I prefer using the head resting comfortably in my northern regions, as opposed to the one below the Equator What I should have done was said in each of those incidents was simply say that’s nice and move on.  I once failed to follow the advice of my father who said. “No one has permission to know what you think unless you give them permission.”

You see “The problems of 3 little people don’t matter a hill of beans in this crazy world” Thanks Bogey

Being an Usher (Being that light in a dark world)

How to help

Being an Usher

An excellent friend helped me to crystallize this thought that was poking at the back of my consciousness. That was how to render assistance or help on an independent basis without the involvement of a larger organization. This would be mostly local and at my discretion and entirely my choice to do or not to do. My discussions with my friend and former coworker let the following concept. The concept of being an usher.

Usher: verb

1. show or guide (someone) somewhere.
   "a waiter ushered me to a table."

synonyms:

escort, accompany, help, assist, take, show, see, lead, show someone the way , lead the way, conduct, guide, steer, pilot, shepherd, convoy "he ushered him to a window sea

The ways someone can help are diverse and numerous. At the minimum, it's being courteous and gracious to all and assisting others while and where one can. At maximum, it would require 1^st aid training in the event one comes upon a grave need to be met until official parties arrive then fading into the crowd without recognition or praise. Do what is needed then move on. This is not for extra credit, praise of monetary award. If that happens without ones personal influence then ok, but we are not shopping for that just to be of service.

Example Child lost and crying in the mall an usher will not walk by they will Shepard the young one to the nearest mall security worker and explain the circumstances waiting to be relieved or to being asked to stay with the young person until the authorities arrive.

This endeavor is not risk-free the possibility that your intentions will be questioned is genuine and the only defense you can have is the truth. That should be prepared for, but not shied away from.

When I was active duty military I was required to take a course in self-aid and buddy care, and CPR. That would be good skills to obtain. Please note you are not a lawyer or advocate. Just a concerned citizen that wants to help. If the party does not wish to be supported then report the incident to the authorities and move on knowing that the job has been done. It is also not your job to break up and physical altercations. Rendering 1^st aid is one thing participating in the melee is another thing altogether. Defending one's self is a judgment call that has to be made on the spot as I can't advise anyone on what should and should not be done. That is the risk of being an usher there are no hard and fast rules or guidelines. This may not come out to one's advantage. That the chance that has to be assumed by anyone assisting anyone in a time of crisis as one's motives will be questioned in the aftermath. Remember this can be as small or as involved as one wishes to make it. I'm sure there won't be a problem with wheeling a patient being released from a clinic to a waiting vehicle. About training it will go a long way to explaining the circumstance of your aid of one is certified by a major organization a few are listed below and can are local to most locations.

Resources:

https://www.redcross.org/take-a-class/first-aid/first-aid-training

The American Red Cross offers classes on 1^st aid, and other entities do the same.

https://www.nsc.org/safety-training/first-aid

https://www.osha.gov/laws-regs/regulations/standardnumber/1910/1910.151

finally, there is a biblical reference to the concept.

"What is the spiritual gift of helps?"
Answer: The spiritual gift of helps is found in one of the spiritual gifts lists in the Bible. The Greek word translated “helps” in 1 Corinthians 12:28 is found only there in the New Testament; therefore, the exact meaning of the gift of helps is somewhat obscure. The word translated “helps” means literally “to relieve, succor, participate in, and/or support.” Those with the gift of helps are those who can aid or render assistance to others in the church with compassion and grace. In the application listed above application, there is only the greater church of your neighbors and communities.

This is what I was thinking about for months it took a good friend that I served with and known for years to bring it home for me. This is an outward expression of unrequited love for one's fellows.

And what a week it was

                                                                           

1st of all I am certainly excited to have this chapter in my life concluded and to be

beginning the next step in my continual evolution.  Sunday last I reported to William

Beaumont Army medical center for preadmission for gastric bypass surgery which was

scheduled as the 2nd case the next day. The night was uneventful. On the scheduled surgery

date events conspired to delay my scheduled time for another day. It involved a medivac helicopter; ambulances, and all the available operating rooms utilized. From what I heard from the news my Doc was fully involved in the happenings, and I wasn’t asking questions. That evening my surgeon, the head of the department, totally professional, dedicated and honestly good guy came up to see me.  He was considering doing my case at the close of the day after discussions with him he “rightfully” decided to do it in the 2nd case of the next day that was Tuesday.  It was an excellent decision, and you will know why shortly.  I was ready to go wheeled up with my bride (after all it was our anniversary) ill have you know she was a trooper hanging with her hubby throughout the 1st four days or so 24-7 until I was assigned a roommate in my hospital room. (hospital policy) more about that roommate later. Ok, I was hooked up to the appropriate tubing and was told that I would be given something to relax me before the procedure read “Nite-nite bro.”  5 to 7 hrs later I awoke to 1st gladness then more than a little panic on my part as my right hand was paralyzed from my middle finger to the thumb and the left arm unresponsive and stiff.  It has since then regained function seeing I can type, but it was a scary time until it did. The consensus was (and will be confirmed next week) due to the position of my arms on the table it restricted nerve passages, and due to the duration of the procedure, it restricted my arm mobility.  I also had a sore throat due to the tubing keeping me breathing.  That being said I was informed with the complication’s that were discovered while the surgical team was inside my chest and abdomen. 1st it was two undiagnosed and undiscovered hadal hernias which were repaired and two previously undiagnosed softball-sized tumors that were found near my chest wall and removed. both were benign. I guess it pays to look as I or anyone else had ZERO knowledge of those two issues before my lying down on the table.  The procedure other than that was uneventful and went well. I had little or no pain, and I did not have the chance to push the pain button when I returned to recovery.  But wait there was something else that was lurking in the dark waiting for the smoke to clear.  After two days returned to the ward, I was sent to ICU with some heart arrhythmias that were appearing from time to time with little or no warning.   I have in the past have been diagnosed with arrhythmias, but this one seemed to have to do with the electrical pathways in the heart.  I am following up with a Doctor to run that issue to ground. For now, I am being treated with drugs until a long-term solution can be implemented.  I think it’s called supraventricular tachycardia (but don’t quote me).  Meanwhile, back in the hospital bed in ICU, those issues were coming under control and after a day or so I was returned to my previous room for observation and release.  My coworkers were excellent coming down and encouraging me with their visits and text messages. An outstanding group of people.  I never felt alone and knew I have lots of folks in my corner.   Now for my silly thoughts during the process.  The procedure was an anticlimax (for me) no pain for the most part from the procedure, it was the complications that that had everyone’s full attention including mine. Ok, the 1st of my silliness I never got to push the button.  I won’t take pain meds unless I’m in agony and other than the 1 or 2 times I pushed it to test it, it was removed without fanfare. No IV dalatiid experience for me I, however, did have some significant pain issues once which was treated with liquid OXI.  That stuff is the straight devil’s mouthwash. It will jack one up.  No thanks. Tylenol 3 in liquid form that stuff is just NAS-TEE. I refused it after the 1st dose.  My nemesis was the bottle of water and protein powder mixture flavored with peach iced tea.  If I use the word nasty it’s because I have no words to describe the gag-inducing flavor of that concoction. If supplied a lemonade packet  of sugar free was provided instead of the peach that would be at least palatable even in its nastiness  Now about the complete professional conduct of all involved I was allowed to have my own CPAP unit in the room (a blessing) as the one provided sounded like a jet engine in my face.  I was kept informed at all points of the problems that were emerging and their progress in getting me released. I have appts made for me or instructions are given for the new (gigantic) bag of meds and was released home in time to watch the two football games I was interested in only one thing sleeping in my bed which I did with gusto. I am on a 100% liquid diet as of this writing seeing my protein drinks at the domicile have flavor going for them. I am looking forward to the next step. Found myself searching for bariatric modifications to what I can have (when the time comes) and it seems more diverse than I once suspected, and that’s a good thing.  For future reference learned 3 ways to poach an egg. I was gratified to know that the breakfast in the cafeteria will only require the deletion of bacon from my selection, with the go-to breakfast choice of cottage cheese and pineapple (which I dice up at my desk) to add in is legit as is my love for tuna so it will work out just fine.  I will continue to write on the progress I’m having. In short, I’m glad to be home and the hospital phase over. And let the congregation say AMEN!!!!