Time adds Perspective

     There is a phenomenon that occurs over time. This Phenomenon is called perspective.  I noticed this during the viewing of the movie "Casablanca" circa 1942.  I noticed some things years later, as I missed watching it as a young person. I noticed that there was a woman Yvonne that approached him at the bar "where were you last night?" Rick answered "That's so long ago I can't remember," she asks Will I see you tonight. Rick answers “I don't make plans that far ahead." as an 11-year old that meant absolutely nothing, but as a 40-year-old watching it (way back then) I thought "Dang Son" that was a cold shot.  The man was a Straight PLAYA.  The next thing I noticed I inspector Louis Reneau was a Crook “I'm shocked, shocked that gambling is going on in here. The pit-boss enters from off screen and states "your winnings sir.".” His gambling habits aside, he seemed to be biding his time until he had to make a decision that he made at the end of the movie “Round up the usual suspects.”  

Ilsa and Rick where do I start on that one.  She left him waiting in vain at the train station as Paris fell. This is after a whirlwind courtship. She broke his heart. At Ricks, he seemed fine until she walked into the Gin joint.  Rick was visibly shaken.  Now for the status of letters of transit that were stolen at the beginning of the movie. Why did Rick give them to Elsa? She did say they would leave her husband so she and Rick can get away. However, there was a scene where Elsa tells Rick that he has to do the thinking for both of them shortly after that the scene went "fade to black," and we know what that means in the old movies. Like something that the lights are left on for newer movies. They were doing a little hanky-panky

Rick was sentimental.  The young couple from Bulgaria, the husband, was playing on the Roulette table trying to make money for the letters of transit. After a conversation where she says something to the effect of "if someone did something bad to ensure the happiness of their husband, and the husband never found out would it be bad.”  Rick then heads to the casino and tells the husband to play 22 on the roulette wheel. It hits in case you are wondering the payout is 35 to 1.   He then tells him to keep it on 22. It amazingly hits again for another 35 to 1 Payout. Rick tells them to go and never come back. The word gets out to what Rick as done and his status rises with his employees. Before his departure, Rick ensured that Sam (the pianist) Was taken care of and had a job

Rick was a Patriot. When provoked by Major Strasse Rick did not rise to the bait. However, when the Germans sang their patriotic songs. Rick gives the head nod that allowed the band to be led by Victor Lazlo in

La Marseillaise.

     I have some serious questions about Viktor Lazlo. What did he know, how much did he know, and what were his priorities when it came to Ilsa?  It would seem that he. Was all in for the cause and she was kind of “just there” there is a question that my adult mentality has trouble getting its mind around. That is what husband lets his wife meet a former boyfriend (or any man) at O dark thirty in the AM in a foreign country that is more or less at best a part of the Vichy Govt at best, or under Nazi Occupation at worst.  That’s rhetorical no answer is needed just raising the question. At the end of the movie, Rick not only let Elsa and her husband escape but also killed Major Strasse in a straight up Wild West shootout that being said, I have heard its bad tactics to draw on a drawn gun. That is just a couple of things I got from the movie as an adult that I missed as a kid.  I am sure there are movies that one watched as a young person that suddenly a more profound meaning was discovered with the benefit of older eyes.

     There is not much to Major Strasse, as he is the wartime caricature of the axis villain that we have come to expect. A character is totally devoid of any depth whatsoever. Kind of like the Japanese Secret agent of the period round glasses an all.  

    As for the mysterious case of Sam, I can infer as in make it all up or guess a couple of things. Since Rick fought in the Spanish Civil war, the case can be made for the partnership of Rick and Sam during that conflict.  It is a Historical fact that Black troops fought in the Spanish Civil war notably in the Abraham Lincoln Division on the side of the loyalists.  Side note the future Medal of Honor winner Edward A. Carter Jr served in that unit in the Spanish civil war which became a problem for him when the communists became our enemies like after 15 mins after hostilities ended.  

     Back to the point that was the movie Casablanca the character Signor Ugarte who is one of my favorite characters in the film (albeit short-lived) was played by Peter Lorre. There will be more on Mr. Lorre when I explain the complexities of the movie the Maltese Falcon see through adult eyes. 

Finally, my understanding of the nuances of old movies seen through a more mature perspective, (as time goes by) seems like something that I would like to explore again with the wealth of film of the early days of Hollywood as it is an inexhaustible supply of stuff to write about and that is the point me writing. Thanks for listening to my exercise in putting my thoughts on paper developing a skill that I wish to pursue as my 3^rd career.

My Personal Monster

                                                            Monster of the mind.

"The monsters of the mind are far worse than those that actually exist. Fear, doubt, and hate have hamstrung more people than beasts ever have".                                                                                                                                                           CHRISTOPHER PAOLINI

     This week I let myself down. It was not a failure because I did not act on it.  It started this Monday morning I saw my supervisor waiting for me in the hall as I entered.  What I did not do was to suspend my routine of personally greeting my coworkers and honestly asking about their weekend in the most basic (and brief) way. I know the bad news was coming and it could wait (as could he). Upon entering my office. He inquired as to my lack of success in configuring one of my systems for internal internet access and why has this taken so long to complete (well it wasn't yet). The truth is that the communication with the vendor has been less than successful. Now the tech on the vendor side is a consummate professional and was at a loss to figure 1st why we could not communicate and then why the system was not working.  Then the negatives started. My monster was awakening whispering into my ear. “You are a grown ass man who in the F^&* is he to talk down to you like that. You are 63 years old you are just one FU from getting this bastard out of your life”.  This was my internal message what came on the outside was “Sir I will keep banging on it until we bring it into line. He made some negative statements he saw the look in my eyes then cracked a small joke that lightened the move. I thanked him for that when he left.   What I did next was NOT to work on the Issue it was to go to my social security page and get a calculation of what I would be getting if I flushed this down the toilet. I wasn’t happy about that.  Oh, I could swing it, however, as a GS-11 step 6 in the IT career field it was like kicking myself in the balls just to prove a point that would not matter a dang to them but would matter a lot to my family.  Then the new man stood up.  Manny really? You are going to let this situation and that man affect the future that you have worked over 37 years developing really dude you will really show them. Show them how to exactly blow up your life and get laughed at (for a good reason) in break rooms for a while.  It would go like this “Crawdad (my nickname since the military) was one of the coolest guys we ever met always helpful and this one time he lost it. I wonder where he is now”. The contractors would say the slot is open we can get into the Dark side of the force and get in the GS system.  

That was Monday we tried to get it working all week with no success when in the conference call with a vendor (on Friday) the light went on (FULL ON) when he asked “Ok let’s go into Internet Explorer and put the default web page in the browser and see what happens.  OH SHIZNIT!!! The server did not have Internet Explorer installed I got the server from the Information assurance guys, and it did not have internet explorer working due to some sort of Group Policy. This is the crux of it installing the vendor's software automatically sets up IIS (Internet Information Services) Well IIS was configured, but without IE Internet Explorer it wasn’t going anywhere.  I started to laugh I had a song in my head “It wasn’t me” By Shaggy, I walked into the supervisor’s office and asked “Sir can I have a word?” I mean in my office. Where the tech was on speaker, and he outlined the problem to him, I tried to suppress a smile (unsuccessfully) I told the boss I am here to get this done, and once we get past this hurdle (more like a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the foot) we will get it down. Then informed the other sections of the problem and started to let them develop a workaround until a permanent fix was achieved.  You should have seen the look on the man’s face while I was suppressing a smile (with limited success)

   The aftermath I worried my wife, raised my blood pressure, and gave myself aggravation over something that was not my fault. If I had listened to the inner monster, I would be trying to think of a way of shrinking my lifestyle into a package that is about 50% of its present size. Oh, I am going to retire, but it will be on my timetable and not some monster that I keep locked up for a reason. I take leadership in my family seriously and to see the look in the eyes of my wife was unsettling. I’m not here to instill fear in others, but I saw it, and it gave me pause. Since taking the stance that the only way forward is through I have battled the “old man”       from time to time. He tries to assume control, and I have to invoke my stoic calm to get past it.  Emotional control is something I strive for and for the most part it is successful. That is why I don’t do Politics, the news or negative media. I want to be that beacon on the hill where my family can look up to me and for the people that I look up to 1st being my in-law’s as I hold myself accountable to them. I told my father in law “POP.” You have leadership issues on your end of I-10. Don’t worry about this end of the highway as I GOT THIS.  I have people that look up to me, and I have to have my Shiznet together. To quote Eugene Oliver Crawford “, this is yours you made it now make it the way you need it There was a concept when I was active duty sometimes you have to bite from the Doodoo Sandwich. We all do. Bosses Officers and leaders get a more significant portion than you get. So make it the way you like it cause you ARE going to have to eat it.  I like mine with mustard mayo a slice of Bermuda onion the hotter, the better.

It not what happens to you its how you deal with it.

The Run

                                                                       THE RUN!!!

Speeding across the desert at 350kts and 70ft over the desert. The pilot and his 4 ship element were answering a call for assistance. The pilot and flight of 4 ships Thunderbolt III's were on the way back to the barn. The Thunderbolt III was a direct descendant of the P47 Thunderbolt fighter of WWII at least in its mission specifications. it received an update that changed the ground attack aircraft, to a machine capable of suborbital flight with the advanced weapon, sensor, and engine advances that made this version of the venerable aircraft state of the art, and the Mach 3 speed made it a formidable weapon.  When the emergency call was acknowledged and received it immediately took precedence.   A Spec Ops element was in the process of withdrawal when they were attacked by a hidden enemy directly to their rear, while they prepared for dust-off.  As one of the rescue elements approached they diverted to the west, as the four plane element made its run.  Having a successful mission before the call for assistance there remained plenty of weapons available for this rescue mission.  The adversary was visibly approaching from the east in strange looking tracked vehicles and some exo-suited personnel in the lead holding large cannon-like weapons firing on the run. 

                Cleared hot on target, the choice was to hit the personnel in the suits 1^st. They were dark metallic robotic shapes standing approximately 10ft. Tall.  What was known was that they were standard human size operators.  3 of them approached followed by 3 tracked vehicles.  The spec -ops troops lazed the large running machines so that the missiles could find their way.   Three missiles released discharged smoke which made them highly visible to the attackers. Armored attackers threw up smoke chaff and other electronic noise to evade the attack.  Too for them bad the missiles were command guided and struck with a blinding flash 3 times, one for each target. One robot was stopped cold by the hit. It paused, began releasing streams of smoke then exploded.  This happened 3 times with creating 3 smoldering wrecks in the sand.

Switching to bombs the flight released the 4 remaining 1000 pound bombs in the midst of the 3 pursuing tracks. As the smoke cleared one heavily damaged track moving in the direction from which they came.  It was not moving very fast. It was indeed out of the fight.  The rescue elements returned to pick up the team and were heading south in the direction of the base.  The Carrier in the distance waited for the returning ships the flight circled until the troop carriers landed and unloaded their passengers then were moved off the flight deck making space for the returning flight.  The landing was pretty much uneventful except for one thing. The carrier was hovering about 2000 ft above the land mass that they were fighting over. After stowing the gear, securing the planes large, powerful doors closed and the landing deck was sealed. After unloading from the transport, the troops left the crew area, were strapped into acceleration chairs for transport to another destination.  The lights dimmed to amber, and the sensation of motion began the trip took about another 30 mins rising to a point approximately 200,000 feet above that planet that these men and women were departing from. They were being pulled into another ship in low orbit.  After securing the carrier within the gigantic transport, they were heading out. Going back home it was over, for now, their rotation was over.  It was 39 months to home at light speed to Proxima Centauri guess it was a good thing they were going 6 times that fast. Home in about 6.5 months.  Messages home were sent on an unmanned ship traveling at 15 times light speed which would be only 2.6 months travel time.  These messages included the after-action report in an encrypted portion of the ship's memory with personal messages taking up all available message space. 

The crew never thought that within 5 years of 1^st contact they would be involved in an operation to secure this part of the galaxy.  What they secretly thought was how much would the pay would be for being gone 24 months travel and mission time.  This would blow the mind of someone born in the 2020s   

Password Security for Seniors I mean (Everyone)

Password Security for Seniors I mean (Everyone)

I am sure all of us at one time or another have agonized over the various passwords and codes that one has to remember on a daily basis.   I know I do. 1st of all I am a system administrator for a military hospital, which will remain nameless.  I have numerous passwords that I have to have on hand for the multiple systems that I administer. I have a password system that is compatible with all military security protocols that are extremely easy to form and to store securely.   I the military uses a two x4 password policy.  Two uppercase, two lowercase, two numbers and. 2 special characters.   This password policy can seem daunting, but it is not as difficult as it looks.  I don't mean passwords in the traditional sense.  What I mean are passphrases.  Something simple to remember but complicated to decipher and duplicate.  That combined with an encrypted location (also password protected) to store them if one has upward of 7 to 10 passwords to remember.  More on that later. Passphrases the key is something easy to remember on a personal basis. Let us try one [!TH@Magn@Charta1215]  and the complexity that is perfect for the security protocols I see every day.

The password listed above either within or including the brackets refers to a historical event and not a word (Yes Captain Obvious I can see that)   The Magna Carta was a document that was signed in 1215 AD.    Notice what it is not.  It is not your daughter’s birthday or her name spelled backward. It is not an event that cannot be directly associated with any individual or is searchable in a database with anyone as a subject of that search. The beauty of this is that it is unique to the writer and the possibilities are endless.  It not tied to real life. The events can be fictional such as (for Star Trek fans) [!TH@K0b@ya$h1M@ru], or Something similar, and less complex like G1l1ppioli1915.

Having many passphrases on hand can be daunting, but there are very secure locations on one's desktop where they can be stored.  In windows, an encrypted password protected folder can be created on the desktop to save the password list if cannot be remembered.  In the Microsoft Office suite, there is an application that makes securing an encrypted file easier. In the OneNote app, there is a provision for a secured file that can contain the list of passwords. Be sure a backup of the data is available in case the record is forgotten, as it is difficult or impossible to recover if that event. Not remembering one's password and the subsequent complications can be tricky, but any security is better than no security at all. Remember numerous applications require passwords and the numbers of applications that require complex passwords are expanding rapidly.   As stated previously I work on a military network we have Common Access Cards that allow us entry into the secured system. 

So many of my colleagues have password lists under their desks that contain the passwords they use on a daily basis. This policy of keeping hard copy lists is a bad security posture and one that can lead to a disaster if not contained.  I spread this message to my colleagues and customers, and some of them have taken that advice to heart.    

Why wasn’t I told???

                                                                Why wasn't I told

      
    I spent an exciting evening on our weekly Friday date night a couple of weeks ago.  My wife and I went to see “Hidden Figures.”  I remember that time in history very well I was 8 years old I was fascinated by the space program I had model aircraft and books about space travel. I remember a lot of things from that time except for one thing. I wasn’t told of the contributions of my people in their participation in the space program. I was an impressionable child only heard how I could not do a thing because it was “not for me” at that time I had a love for mathematics that died on the vine as it was not nurtured and watered.  Playing ball was encouraged, music was encouraged, but academic study was not. At least not by anyone to whom I could relate.  My parents were not highly educated, they were strong in common sense, but not “book learning” as my father was taken out of school in the 3^rd grade to help the family work to survive. My brothers and I were the 1^st to go to eventually go to college, and I was one of the few that finished.

I left the theater with a sense of anger and outrage. Why was it essential to withhold that particular piece of information from me? Why did I have to wait for another 54 years to learn of the accomplishments of the black women of NASA?  I know the Langley NASA research center area well. My 1^st military duty station was at Langley AFB VA. I drove near that area every week doing dailies on my generators near the perimeter of that facility. I would routinely look at the buildings and some of the test equipment from a distance and wondered what they would develop next.

As stated earlier I had a keen interest in things related to flight and space travel.  As an impressionable child of 8, I could see the direction of my life taking another branch on the road not traveled. Another lost opportunity; the kicker is that I did not know it was lost until late 2016 or early 2017.  I ask why, but I understand why. It’s because the heroes of that period were black, yes it was racism, not the watered down diluted “this offends me” racism of the 21^st century it was the real honest to God unadulterated, undiluted racism that my mother and father warned me about back then and the racism I learned to deal with in my youth and still do to a lesser extent today. It however still exists. I still remember the Democratic Governor of Alabama “standing in the schoolhouse door” I also remember Lester Maddox wielding a baseball bat running a man out of his restaurant on national television.

I actually know why I wasn’t told; it was because any semblance of hope for a positive future given to a younger generation would be turned to power; educational power and achievement, political power and the ability not to be fooled by silly unfounded lies and half-truths, and economic power. The only thing that racists fear more than the gun.  The achievements of these women not only were above their peers but exceeded the ability of their “so-called betters”  These women played the game by the existing rules until those rules stood in the way of the mission getting a man into space.  This level of courage is nonexistent these days.  Today’s courage is the courage of the anonymous. Today’s courage hides behind the false bravado of the internet with its mask of secrecy reminiscent of the KKK.  It is actually cowardice of the highest level hiding behind the home router firewall to spew that vitriolic poison on normal people.  It is the same courage that started a fire in Berkeley University to silence someone in which they disagreed.  I did not agree with the speaker as well, but I prefer to use the quote from the Rameses in the movie the 10 Commandments “Let him rave on so all may know him mad.” 

A special acknowledgment goes to the person or persons in the shadows that finance that type of suppression.  How many scholarships could be funded as opposed to funding mayhem?  I felt myself falling into the abyss of bitterness, but then I remembered the words of Psalms 73: 2-17[i]

I also remember the kindness that I have been shown in those years. I fully recall the encouragement that I have received and still receive from my family both natural and extended; these are My Bro’s, and Sister’s the surrogate mothers and fathers that I have been blessed with knowing all these years. I remember great meals, the warm rooms in the back when I had no place to go. I am also grateful for the few times I received stern guidance that has proven to be invaluable over the years.

It is my mission today to be that mentor as I was mentored.  Passing down the knowledge and wisdom  I have received through hard experience.  It is a good thing that the truth was finally told. It is my greatest hope some 8 year old grabs that truth and holds on to it for dear life and uses it as fuel for their future.  Oh there will be one that will and I guarantee you will hear from them

---

·         [i] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+73&version=KJV

Hey Manny how that I have your attention let’s talk.

And there I was, minding my own business in a hospital room at 2 AM in the morning on Christmas Eve.  I was alone in my thoughts. Please note that I at no point heard voices from beyond, but I was allowing myself to be led in my thought process.  I did begin to think and reflect on how I got here. In a room hooked up to several monitors and breathing pure oxygen. My bride has gone home for the evening for about 5 hrs. Earlier. The incessant peeping was keeping me awake.  My arm hurt from the presence of the 18 gauge the umbilical cord that was providing me a steady stream of antibiotics steroids, and various other medications.

 In these Thoughts, I reflected on my Grandchildren, all of them near and far.   I felt sad because I have not completed my task of helping to prepare them for a world that is more complex than anything I experienced in my youth.  The Pity party was trying to start.  Then I considered how I got here.  At some point, after Memorial Day weekend I contracted something that slowly ate away at my lung capacity and culminated in my being in this hospital bed. I had a couple of warnings. I had an episode at work that got me on an operating room table with a probe and dye exploring the inner reaches of my heart.  Not only did they fins mt heart, but it was 100% functional with zero blockages.   I just thought I was just out of shape.  I would get to that in time. I was the president of a very small nation, the procrastination.  I was feeling sorry for myself.   At that point, I thought of my mistakes my missteps and my many failings in my past.  At that time I finally admitted to myself that I still was holding on to a couple of them.   I have not felt worthy of redemption.  My task in life is to assist others to get to their potential, but I was too far gone because of the things that I have done. I have been a hypocrite and not following my own advice “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure ensure you have put on your oxygen mask before helping others.”

I have come to an impasse in my life. I did not believe that I deserved anything good, but at the same time, I wanted to be an example to my grandkids, and an inspiration to my family. Those goals I now know are mutually exclusive (you can’t do both).  I have to allow myself to be blessed to bless others.  So I believe that the fact I was allowed to work this thing out for myself.  I do have a relationship with the Almighty, Higher power, Creator, Supreme Being, or Jesus Christ if you will. I, however, have been running from it due to my personal guilt. Yea I know it’s on the dumb side. My intent, however, is not to proselytize, but just to tell a story. I was too hard-headed to do what is necessary because it’s hard.  My Parents use d to say “A hard head makes for a soft behind.   The hard thing is actually not fighting for what I want in life. I have wishes, but before my journey of self-awakening, they were not that important to me. In the cosmos of ideas, dreams are useless unless there is a plan. After beating myself up for two days, I made some promises to myself.  

1. Barring injury to myself by circumstances I cannot control I will do everything within my power to extend the duration of my existence on this planet to be there for my family.
2. I will make every effort to become more spiritual in my life and develop a deeper relationship with GOD. Spirituality=Good, Religious = not as good.
   I will set goals for the aspects of my life that need attention (all of them)
3. I will relieve myself of the things that are holding me back and links to the past that I wish to be rid of.  Caveat. I have genuine friends that understand where I am coming from and they will not be abandoned ever.
4. I have dreams that I need to pursue and will pursue them.  
5. Take every opportunity to attack my personal debt position.

So this was the outcome of my come to Jesus meeting. It was not that bad. The Task now is to execute that plan. 

Since the original writing of this blog, the following things have happened.  I on Jan 15, 2019, underwent gastric bypass. At the time of the initial drafting of the original blog post, I weighed 345 Lbs. As of today 5 May 2019 I weigh 258lbs. I sold my 2013 Camaro and used the returns to start attacking my debt this in concert with my tax return this year, the goal of debt freedom appears closer than ever.  To date, I have returned to the gym intending to reach my goal weight of 218lbs. 

You will eat from the fruit of the trees you plant in your life

This is not what I was going to write about this week, but I had to search myself to come to grips with something that has been on my mind and I found it to be a totally “Life Truth", a natural law, or natural order of things.  Random events do happen. I am not talking about the bolt out of the blue. That brand new water heater exploding, the semi truck that crossed the center divider or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, like a train in Paris or other random happenstance.  

In large part the stuff that happens to us is something we bring about for ourselves. This is the premise of this post.  Please note I among all are most guilty as I have brought fruit both good and bad into this existence.  So this is for me as much as it is for anyone else that might read this.   The New Living translation says it like this “Don't be misled--you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.” 

What do I mean exactly when I state the above?  In the movie “Megaforce” the statement made was that “it’s all in the wheel”. A more familiar phrase is what goes around comes around.   What are the practical applications? The most basic would be if one does not squander their funds then when an emergency happens there will be funds available for that emergency.  I have been at times totally guilty on this charge. If one dedicates oneself to a task be it writing or exercise or just good manners those will have benefits that will be tangible to the person.  Then again the inverse is also true.  I knew of a person that took their annual and sick leave when it was accrued the result of that was when the person had an emergency there was no leave time for them to use for that emergency the person went into an excess leave situation. They basically put themselves into a hole.  Personally I experienced this in a less severe instance. While moving to the home I now live in I got a hernia in my groin region that required surgery, not only was I out for 10 days, I could not laugh for two weeks without significant pain.  At the end of this time I had a significant number of very strong painkillers that I was getting to like too much.  I had to make a conscious decision to endure the pain, which was not as bad as it was 8 days earlier so I weaned myself off them.

I have to speak for myself as I know myself best.   I have been in situations where my judgement was not the best in fact it was dang stupid.  I walked away from a job to go on tour with a Drum and Bugle corps back in 77 or 78.   I allowed someone to check out a customer with my employee code and got fired when the good buddy took $20 bucks out of the till yes I got fired.  I entered relationships because I was either, depressed, lonely, drunk, or just a feeling at the moment (you can guess that feeling that was) that came back to bite me in the butt (literally) not telling that story.  I even got into a situation decades ago because I felt sorry for someone I knew it wasn’t love, but that was 100 percent on me.  Every time I got myself in a trick bag I put myself in there.   Let’s look at the other side of the coin I need to balance this with some positivity.   There are those that the world says are lucky I can think of a few athletes, businessmen entrepreneurs, actors, writers and such that are called lucky. No one knows about the hours in the gym, track, pool or court. No one considers the failures that followed a person for their lives until they got that break.  In the movie “Jason Bourne” Tommy Lee jones is the villain. What most people don’t know is that Tommy Lee Jones helped Ben and Matt at their lowest point with some food and cash and that cash enabled them to write Good Will Hunting.  Remembering his friend Tommy Lee Jones Matt offered the part of the CIA director to him. He didn’t have to Tommy lee Jones probably did not need the dough, but it was not really to repay him, I believe it was to recognize his contribution to his becoming a movie star that commands large sums of money, fame or influence.  Good works will be rewarded in kind one just have to have the patience to see it to the end.   Loneliness is a tough one.  Being by oneself allows the self-talk to get so bad that it screams to you I have to do something. That something is sometimes the wrong person and the entirely wrong time. What I have learned over time is that I can be alone I actually like myself to the point that I can be by myself for long periods and enjoy the process.  Learning how to love oneself is one of the best things that a person can do to avoid a lot of mess.

 There are instances of Stuff happens and sometimes it’s real bad.  I had a friend a best friend she was a coworker and lived in the next apt complex.  When she was ill I took her to the hospital when she needed to talk I was there, I even got a call when I was teaching a server class with the question “Have you eaten yet? Come by after class and ill have dinner for you.  Truly a best friend. I was going through something at the time and in fact it was 10 years ago when we were neighbors.  I told her good bye one Friday evening as I was leaving town for the weekend stating I will see her Monday at work and we can do lunch.   Monday came and her supervisor called me to his office and asked if I saw her this morning.  I got totally scared and went to her apartment and found her. She had passed sometime that weekend.  That is something I will remember to this day losing a really good friend but there was nothing I could have done it was one of those things. I will tell you that it hurt really badly. The bottom line was it was unavoidable it was going to happen whether or not I was around or not.  That could not be helped it was her time.  The best thing one can do is think of what will happen if I do this or that. One can choose if they lose their temper or not, one can choose words that uplift instead of hurt, or one can choose not to respond at all.  Remember actions and also inactions have consequences. Let’s hope all yours are good ones