Hey Manny how that I have your attention let’s talk.

And there I was, minding my own business in a hospital room at 2 AM in the morning on Christmas Eve.  I was alone in my thoughts. Please note that I at no point heard voices from beyond, but I was allowing myself to be led in my thought process.  I did begin to think and reflect on how I got here. In a room hooked up to several monitors and breathing pure oxygen. My bride has gone home for the evening for about 5 hrs. Earlier. The incessant peeping was keeping me awake.  My arm hurt from the presence of the 18 gauge the umbilical cord that was providing me a steady stream of antibiotics steroids, and various other medications.

 In these Thoughts, I reflected on my Grandchildren, all of them near and far.   I felt sad because I have not completed my task of helping to prepare them for a world that is more complex than anything I experienced in my youth.  The Pity party was trying to start.  Then I considered how I got here.  At some point, after Memorial Day weekend I contracted something that slowly ate away at my lung capacity and culminated in my being in this hospital bed. I had a couple of warnings. I had an episode at work that got me on an operating room table with a probe and dye exploring the inner reaches of my heart.  Not only did they fins mt heart, but it was 100% functional with zero blockages.   I just thought I was just out of shape.  I would get to that in time. I was the president of a very small nation, the procrastination.  I was feeling sorry for myself.   At that point, I thought of my mistakes my missteps and my many failings in my past.  At that time I finally admitted to myself that I still was holding on to a couple of them.   I have not felt worthy of redemption.  My task in life is to assist others to get to their potential, but I was too far gone because of the things that I have done. I have been a hypocrite and not following my own advice “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure ensure you have put on your oxygen mask before helping others.”

I have come to an impasse in my life. I did not believe that I deserved anything good, but at the same time, I wanted to be an example to my grandkids, and an inspiration to my family. Those goals I now know are mutually exclusive (you can’t do both).  I have to allow myself to be blessed to bless others.  So I believe that the fact I was allowed to work this thing out for myself.  I do have a relationship with the Almighty, Higher power, Creator, Supreme Being, or Jesus Christ if you will. I, however, have been running from it due to my personal guilt. Yea I know it’s on the dumb side. My intent, however, is not to proselytize, but just to tell a story. I was too hard-headed to do what is necessary because it’s hard.  My Parents use d to say “A hard head makes for a soft behind.   The hard thing is actually not fighting for what I want in life. I have wishes, but before my journey of self-awakening, they were not that important to me. In the cosmos of ideas, dreams are useless unless there is a plan. After beating myself up for two days, I made some promises to myself.  

1. Barring injury to myself by circumstances I cannot control I will do everything within my power to extend the duration of my existence on this planet to be there for my family.
2. I will make every effort to become more spiritual in my life and develop a deeper relationship with GOD. Spirituality=Good, Religious = not as good.
   I will set goals for the aspects of my life that need attention (all of them)
3. I will relieve myself of the things that are holding me back and links to the past that I wish to be rid of.  Caveat. I have genuine friends that understand where I am coming from and they will not be abandoned ever.
4. I have dreams that I need to pursue and will pursue them.  
5. Take every opportunity to attack my personal debt position.

So this was the outcome of my come to Jesus meeting. It was not that bad. The Task now is to execute that plan. 

Since the original writing of this blog, the following things have happened.  I on Jan 15, 2019, underwent gastric bypass. At the time of the initial drafting of the original blog post, I weighed 345 Lbs. As of today 5 May 2019 I weigh 258lbs. I sold my 2013 Camaro and used the returns to start attacking my debt this in concert with my tax return this year, the goal of debt freedom appears closer than ever.  To date, I have returned to the gym intending to reach my goal weight of 218lbs. 

You will eat from the fruit of the trees you plant in your life

This is not what I was going to write about this week, but I had to search myself to come to grips with something that has been on my mind and I found it to be a totally “Life Truth", a natural law, or natural order of things.  Random events do happen. I am not talking about the bolt out of the blue. That brand new water heater exploding, the semi truck that crossed the center divider or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, like a train in Paris or other random happenstance.  

In large part the stuff that happens to us is something we bring about for ourselves. This is the premise of this post.  Please note I among all are most guilty as I have brought fruit both good and bad into this existence.  So this is for me as much as it is for anyone else that might read this.   The New Living translation says it like this “Don't be misled--you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.” 

What do I mean exactly when I state the above?  In the movie “Megaforce” the statement made was that “it’s all in the wheel”. A more familiar phrase is what goes around comes around.   What are the practical applications? The most basic would be if one does not squander their funds then when an emergency happens there will be funds available for that emergency.  I have been at times totally guilty on this charge. If one dedicates oneself to a task be it writing or exercise or just good manners those will have benefits that will be tangible to the person.  Then again the inverse is also true.  I knew of a person that took their annual and sick leave when it was accrued the result of that was when the person had an emergency there was no leave time for them to use for that emergency the person went into an excess leave situation. They basically put themselves into a hole.  Personally I experienced this in a less severe instance. While moving to the home I now live in I got a hernia in my groin region that required surgery, not only was I out for 10 days, I could not laugh for two weeks without significant pain.  At the end of this time I had a significant number of very strong painkillers that I was getting to like too much.  I had to make a conscious decision to endure the pain, which was not as bad as it was 8 days earlier so I weaned myself off them.

I have to speak for myself as I know myself best.   I have been in situations where my judgement was not the best in fact it was dang stupid.  I walked away from a job to go on tour with a Drum and Bugle corps back in 77 or 78.   I allowed someone to check out a customer with my employee code and got fired when the good buddy took $20 bucks out of the till yes I got fired.  I entered relationships because I was either, depressed, lonely, drunk, or just a feeling at the moment (you can guess that feeling that was) that came back to bite me in the butt (literally) not telling that story.  I even got into a situation decades ago because I felt sorry for someone I knew it wasn’t love, but that was 100 percent on me.  Every time I got myself in a trick bag I put myself in there.   Let’s look at the other side of the coin I need to balance this with some positivity.   There are those that the world says are lucky I can think of a few athletes, businessmen entrepreneurs, actors, writers and such that are called lucky. No one knows about the hours in the gym, track, pool or court. No one considers the failures that followed a person for their lives until they got that break.  In the movie “Jason Bourne” Tommy Lee jones is the villain. What most people don’t know is that Tommy Lee Jones helped Ben and Matt at their lowest point with some food and cash and that cash enabled them to write Good Will Hunting.  Remembering his friend Tommy Lee Jones Matt offered the part of the CIA director to him. He didn’t have to Tommy lee Jones probably did not need the dough, but it was not really to repay him, I believe it was to recognize his contribution to his becoming a movie star that commands large sums of money, fame or influence.  Good works will be rewarded in kind one just have to have the patience to see it to the end.   Loneliness is a tough one.  Being by oneself allows the self-talk to get so bad that it screams to you I have to do something. That something is sometimes the wrong person and the entirely wrong time. What I have learned over time is that I can be alone I actually like myself to the point that I can be by myself for long periods and enjoy the process.  Learning how to love oneself is one of the best things that a person can do to avoid a lot of mess.

 There are instances of Stuff happens and sometimes it’s real bad.  I had a friend a best friend she was a coworker and lived in the next apt complex.  When she was ill I took her to the hospital when she needed to talk I was there, I even got a call when I was teaching a server class with the question “Have you eaten yet? Come by after class and ill have dinner for you.  Truly a best friend. I was going through something at the time and in fact it was 10 years ago when we were neighbors.  I told her good bye one Friday evening as I was leaving town for the weekend stating I will see her Monday at work and we can do lunch.   Monday came and her supervisor called me to his office and asked if I saw her this morning.  I got totally scared and went to her apartment and found her. She had passed sometime that weekend.  That is something I will remember to this day losing a really good friend but there was nothing I could have done it was one of those things. I will tell you that it hurt really badly. The bottom line was it was unavoidable it was going to happen whether or not I was around or not.  That could not be helped it was her time.  The best thing one can do is think of what will happen if I do this or that. One can choose if they lose their temper or not, one can choose words that uplift instead of hurt, or one can choose not to respond at all.  Remember actions and also inactions have consequences. Let’s hope all yours are good ones

My Man Epictetus

A philosopher has helped me immensely as of late he was a 1st century slave in Rome by the name of Epictetus. I have been dabbling in Stoic Philosophy. I have read Plato, Socrates, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, but the one that I relate most with is Epictetus.

He was a slave unable to control anything but himself. I know how that feels.  This world goes on, and I know the level of importance that I hold in it ZERO!!!  I accept that and live with it. I find it liberating for me to know I'm free of that junk. .  I recognize that there are people that propagate fears into others. When it is done to a child I have a problem with it. Childhood should be a time of joy and learning, and not fear.  To infect an innocent with the poison from the media is unfortunate, and irresponsible.  There are enough legitimate fears out there. There are legitimate troubles and concerns out there, but to feed fear into a child I find highly disappointing.  The thing I value most is courage, and feeding that poison to a child is not helping. A child needs to know that you are there with them you I will defend them until your last breath.  That would inspire confidence instead of fear.

How does this relate. Make a list of what you control. Better than that what do you not control.  Let’s see I can’t control the other people on I-10 on the way to and from work. I can’t control if my server goes down in the middle of the night. The short answer is that I cannot control anything outside my attitude and actions. Outside of that nothing is in your control. Based on ones finances what get paid (or not paid) is under our control.   Shiznet happens every day it isn't personal, as none of us among the 7Billion out there are that important (except to our loved ones). If we get hit by lightning. The world would not stop turning. To paraphrase the bible if it’s raining on you it’s raining on a group of people in that particular area be it a block city state or region both the “good and the bad”. I inferred this before there is one thing that you as a person have 100% control of. How you act, respond with anger or outbursts of uncontrolled rage, or not to react to a given set of circumstances. There are people and institutions that traffic in that nonsense getting people to respond in emotion one way or another sometimes this is for profit, sometimes for and agenda and sometimes just because they can.  The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose how one expresses themselves in times of pain, or joy (or not to express one’s self)    No one can make you angry that is a choice. There is a group of people that believe that the world was created for them and when things go sideways they are looking to blame someone.   The choices you make at 18 can affect you until you pass from this earth.  To have a relationship or not have one. To study or not to. To take a job or not take a job have long lasting consequences.  Let me state this for the record.  LIFE IS NOT FAIR!  You can no more make someone love you, respect you, or have a positive opinion of who and what you are any more than I can command the weather.

Admiral James Stockdale said this as he was shot down and descending in his parachute over North Viet Nam in 1965 on his way to the Hanoi Hilton.

 “I’m leaving the world of technology and entering the world of Epictetus”

Finally

I will end with a couple of Quotes from my favorite stoic philosopher Epictetus

"There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will"

"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."

..."

My Man Epictetus

A philosopher has helped me immensely as of late he was a 1st century slave in Rome by the name of Epictetus. I have been Dabbling in Stoic Philosophy. I have read Plato, Socrates, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, but the one that I relate most with is Epictetus.

He was a slave unable to control anything but himself. I know how that feels.  This world goes on, and I know the level of importance that I hold in it ZERO!!!  I accept that and live with it. I find it liberating for me to know I'm free of that junk. .  I recognize that there are people that propagate fears into others. When it is done to a child I have a problem with it. Childhood should be a time of joy and learning, and not fear.  To infect an innocent with the poison from the media is unfortunate, and irresponsible.  There are enough legitimate fears out there. There are legitimate troubles and concerns out there, but to feed fear into a child I find highly disappointing.  The thing I value most is courage, and feeding that poison to a child is not helping. A child needs to know that you are there with them you I will defend them until your last breath.  That would inspire confidence instead of fear.

How does this relate. Make a list of what you control. Better than that what do you not control.  Let’s see I can’t control the other people on I-10 on the way to and from work. I can’t control if my server goes down in the middle of the night. The short answer is that I cannot control anything outside my attitude and actions. Outside of that nothing is in your control. Based on ones finances what get paid (or not paid) is under our control.   Shiznet happens every day it isn't personal, as none of us among the 7Billion out there are that important (except to our loved ones). If we get hit by lightning. The world would not stop turning. To paraphrase the bible if it’s raining on you it’s raining on a group of people in that particular area be it a block city state or region both the “good and the bad”. I inferred this before there is one thing that you as a person have 100% control of. How you act, respond with anger or outbursts of uncontrolled rage, or not to react to a given set of circumstances. There are people and institutions that traffic in that nonsense getting people to respond in emotion one way or another sometimes this is for profit, sometimes for and agenda and sometimes just because they can.  The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose how one expresses themselves in times of pain, or joy (or not to express one’s self)    No one can make you angry that is a choice. There is a group of people that believe that the world was created for them and when things go sideways they are looking to blame someone.   The choices you make at 18 can affect you until you pass from this earth.  To have a relationship or not have one. To study or not to. To take a job or not take a job have long lasting consequences.  Let me state this for the record.  LIFE IS NOT FAIR!  You can no more make someone love you, respect you, or have a positive opinion of who and what you are any more than I can command the weather.

Admiral James Stockdale said this as he was shot down and descending in his parachute over North Viet Nam in 1965 on his way to the Hanoi Hilton.

 “I’m leaving the world of technology and entering the world of Epictetus”

Finally

I will end with a couple of Quotes from my favorite stoic philosopher Epictetus

"There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will"

"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."

..."

My 1st conscious memory of my father

Well this is the 1^st memory that I have of my dad. I asked him about it before he passed in the 70’s and he let me know that it was the truth I was surprised that I remembered it.  I was about 4 years old, sitting on the porch. My dad came out with one of those twin Popsicles he gave me half and went inside the house with the other half. My excited four year old self ran down the porch and tripped dropping the Popsicle in the sand.  I wasn’t worried there was a faucet right there and I could wash it off.  Unlearned in the sciences I was shocked to see my beautiful Popsicle disintegrate under the stream of water. I sat there looking at the empty Popsicle stick and began to cry. Sobs at first, but it grew to a full-fledged wail of pain and disappointment.  My dad came out and asked “what’s the matta son” and I just pointed to the Popsicle stick and just bawled even more.  I looked up and my dad had this look on his face. I was surprised because he was smiling. He wasn’t laughing, but he had this look that said to me. “Son as long as I’m here I will take care of you and not to worry” he didn’t speak a word but it was a look of total understanding and the thought I felt was I got this covered. He then went into the house and came out with the other half of the Popsicle. To ensure that this did not repeat he let me sit on his lap and let me finish the Popsicle. He gave me that understanding look.   The amazing thing about this memory is I remembered it when Dad dropped me off at the dorms when I was 17 at Cal State University Fullerton. He worked 2 jobs to pay for my dormitory and meal fees. I saw this man cry for the third time in my life.  The first time was for our dog Coley  he was getting old and was unable to walk well but always was near us when we played in the back yard. It hurt dad to have to put him down. The second time was after his second heart attack. I was about 6 or 7 years old. He was off for almost a month. He didn’t hear me but I sat outside the door listening.  He was praying.  He was asking God for 10 more years to see us grow up into good men, he was asking more time. The third time was walking to his car from the dorms and I heard him thank God for granting his request. I was looking out the window and heard him sobbing “Thank you Jesus my son is in College”.   I got married the next year he was smiling from ear to ear when I went down to the altar.   My father died later that year. He had a massive stroke and died in the hospital I awoke from dead sleep and said DAD!!! My wife asked what was wrong and I said Dad just died I know it. While making preparations for the funeral I got to see the death certificate October 26 1975 at 1:05 AM. The exact moment that I was awakened from sleep.  I know my father worked hard entering the United States Army in 1942. Was a Heavy Machine Gunner of 600th Field Artillery Battalion of the 92^nd division of the US 3^rd Army. I never saw him without something to do. He was busy doing something all the time. I believe the thought of him stuck in a bed without the ability to communicate or move was too much and he just went home.  I think of my father often (daily) and if I can dig up the picture I look just like him.  I have his temper, and his foibles. He pushed me to do well in school. I learned later the importance of this when training for my second career as an IT specialist. (Because I was paying the bill for it.)   The funny thing is that I am reminded of him when I talk to my grand-kids.  I oft times open my mouth and Eugene Oliver Crawford comes out.  I just smile and know he lives on in me and my offspring. Some by birth and some by osmosis. 

Love YA DADDY 

Eugene Oliver Crawford 

Born December 7 1908

Died Oct 26 1975

How I became a 205 average bowler (It ain’t about bowling)

                            How I became a 205 average bowler (It ain’t about bowling)

    During the period of 1991-1996, I went from being a 135 average Bowler to a 205 average bowler. I was stationed in the beautiful Island Paradise that was Kadena AB Okinawa Japan this, by the way, is not about Bowling; it’s about becoming better. There I was rolling the stone and having fun, but at this point, I’m getting my behind kicked, and that was not much fun.  I was asked if I wanted to join an intramural Bowling team for the Squadron.  I later found I was asked for 3 reasons listed in reverse order. I was a cool guy and was recognized as such by my squadron mates, I was free on the dates that the league played. Finally, I was asked because I was maintaining a whopping 135 average. (I was the ringer there for my handicap) The math is pretty simple 4 players 3 with averages of between 170 and 205 the team needed the points the 4th (yours truly) would add a lot of handicap points to aid the team with the victory.

    Team members in a meeting discussed that my starting handicap would be 65 = 135-200, which would be added at the end of the game to the total score. This meant that I bowled out of my mind and rolled a 175, then my score for that game would be 240. (A ringer indeed). Don't get me wrong I had no plans to stay at 135 no sir I ain't cut like that. 

   

    I then bowled several times a week outside of the weekly tournaments, 1st lesson follows which is "find someone better than you then do what they do” I found all the bowlers that were light years ahead of me and stuck to them like glue. One of them that knew me from work told me C-Daddy you are going to have to keep up or you will be getting your butt kicked regularly. Get better or get dusted no mercy will be given.  As a side note, I am very competitive. This did not scare me in the least. I took my whupping like a man, but I listened as well. I learned hand positions, how to throw a hook, backup ball, and picking up spares. 

    2nd lesson follows "If it's worth doing it's worth doing badly until you learn to do it well"

I took instruction as I wanted to be statistically in their peer group (I WANTED TO BELONG).

After about 3 months my average was 150, 6 months it was 165, and a year 195. I then heald that average until the last year of my tour in
Okinawa when it went to 200 then 205.  Mathematically the more games played, the harder it is to raise ones average. I bought shoes, a couple of balls a ball that I used frequently and a ball that was for making spares. I learned foot position, lane conditions (that change throughout the game). The oil makes the way down the lane changing how the ball reacts to the surface how to throw on wood lanes and synthetic lanes. All of this required practice. How much did I play? O played 4 to 5 games a week with 3 sets per play (outside of tournament play) I would sneak a set in at lunch from time to time,

The 3rd lesson follows your technique faithfully every time adjusting for current conditions. I found that when I concentrated on my mark, the 5 board kept my head down until I actually saw the ball cross the mark before looking up I performed much better it got to the point I could tell the probability of a strike based on where the ball was when it went over the 5 Board.  Unless Mr. Murphy showed up to say his piece. I found myself favoring a hook ball. My particular hook would go 75% of the distance of the lane then make a Sharp left into the 1, 3 pocket for maximum destruction of the pins.    Learned the concept of trusting myself and not to worry about how many pins I needed at any given point in the game I say concept because it’s not easy to do on a consistent basis the ones that do are in the PBA.

    Finally, I gained the acceptance of my peers. My best game ever was a score of 278 in a tournament with 9 strikes in a row. Remember the concept of not worrying about the score well I didn't look at the score until it was late in the game and I let it get to me.  When one gets over 3 Strikes in a row, a crowd forms behind the lane it grows more significant with each strike. Imagine the mental pressure of sitting with 7 strikes knowing you have only 3 more for 300  missed the head pin in the 10th frame  the last frame was 9 1 9 for a total of 278 that was pretty close but no cigar.

Upon my return to the US, I only dabbled at bowling, but I was able to pull a 200 score on a pretty consistent basis. 

The moral of the story is that if you follow someone successful your endeavors that you choose to dedicate yourself to getting the basic concepts down to the point that they are purely muscle memory (practice, practice and practice) then finally concentrate on the goal it’s only a matter Of time before you throw a 278 or better.  You do know this a metaphor for doing well in life or whatever endeavor you choose.  Jus Sayin 

Oh i'm in the Shiznet now

I'm in the Shiznet now 

I just got a website hosted oh crizzap.  I came to IT from the hardware side of the equation, and as of this moment I am in uncharted waters.   I should have paid more attention when I was doing this in college. NO not me I'm working on being a Server guy and I have no need to learn website building. (go figure)  I am laughing at myself because like as when I was a younger man and had no need for trigonometry. then was told to tell my supervisor how much fuel in gallons would fill the tank outside the shop, and having that certain dumb look I think to myself "HERE I GO AGAIN" !!! 

No worries if i make a mistake it isn't like I lost today's launch codes....

much more to follow (as in details)