Oh i'm in the Shiznet now

I'm in the Shiznet now 

I just got a website hosted oh crizzap.  I came to IT from the hardware side of the equation, and as of this moment I am in uncharted waters.   I should have paid more attention when I was doing this in college. NO not me I'm working on being a Server guy and I have no need to learn website building. (go figure)  I am laughing at myself because like as when I was a younger man and had no need for trigonometry. then was told to tell my supervisor how much fuel in gallons would fill the tank outside the shop, and having that certain dumb look I think to myself "HERE I GO AGAIN" !!! 

No worries if i make a mistake it isn't like I lost today's launch codes....

much more to follow (as in details) 

I realized I’m an odd duck

I realized I’m an odd duck

        At breakfast this AM I realized something that I knew for a long time.  I AM an ODD DUCK!!!   My favorite musicians in 1968 were James Brown (that’s normal) but, Bert Bacharach, Sergio Mendez, and Herb Alpert not so much. I was only 13 years old, (what’s up with that.) I listened to the  Temptations, The Four Tops, and the like, but that was just to fit in. I was already an outcast because I liked no LOVED to read and lived a major part of my middle school time in the library, as I had a crush on the librarian. (I’ll write on this one later I need the writing practice)

Why was I the odd duck?  Well it was Los Angeles California in the 60s to the 80’s I lived in South Central LA, and it was swimming upstream or across stream from 90% of my cohorts. Thinking back that was the same time that I joined the L.A.P.D Jr band. It was a great experience

I played Trombone I found friends that I have to this day, unfortunately I haven’t seen in 30+ years,  To tell the truth I did not know who I was as my internal voice was telling me different things then my survival voice. I was once taken into the Boys restroom of my Jr Hi School

(as it was called in those days) and took a beating for acing a History test. (I made the brothers look bad I suppose) while I was taking my 1^st Major ass whipping I was told that I was acting white, and thought of myself better than my peers.  I was an Odd Duck indeed. 2 things happened at that

point. The 1^st was I went  from an A average to a C average that carried on throughout High School, and my 1st attempt at college (thats another good story)  The 2^nd was I made a vow to myself to leave there South Central LA never to return. That part happened in 1981 when I left to join the military

    

     I had no mentor in the more academic pursuits. I had a superb life mentor in my dad Eugene Crawford. He however, did not finish elementary school and my mom did not finish middle school. Remember those friends of over 30 years a lot of us no most of us were in band together

1^st Bishops Band, then LAPD Jr Band then The Velvet Knights Drum and Bugle corps. It just happened that way. I have a person that still is a hero of mine George who never met a challenge that he was afraid to challenge. Went from ZERO to running the Los Angeles

Marathon .He would never quit if I beat him at something he would not stop until he was at least as good as I am then left me in the dust. His brother Ronald was my best friend of the period, and we had several adventures that were at times funny and at others scary as hell.

 I met people during the period of 1979 to 1981 that I Consider family (I have 2 that I will write about later) that caused me to change my beliefs about what it is like to be Black or White in America.  In the military is was not one of the Homeboys that came to get me when my car was

broken down in  Norfolk Va in the winter of 81-82 It was a Good ole boy from Tennessee. Talk about paradigms shifting.  It seems that since that time I have drifted from being a Democrat (because my mom was) Republican after I watched Lester Maddox do his thing and learned who

 was on the other end of the “rope” then  Independent to date, as I tired of the BS.  

   

      I am still an odd duck. I have made lots of mistakes (trust me on that). Now that I am practicing for my 3^rd career (writing) I am trying to get my proverbial fecal material compacted in one place.

 I have a Grandson that’s an Odd Duck Just like me. There is a present for him in the mail

 I have not picked up yet (a Chess set). My goal is to be the “full service” mentor that my father could not, as stated before. As a Life mentor My Dad was without peer but did not have the educational background to help me in other areas. 7 year old grandson asked me “what is Magnetism” I knew something was afoot when I heard the question, I was excited to tell him what I knew about it, and show him where more information could be found. 

Where My Heads At

Where My Heads At  

I find myself in a place of disappointment today. Not at anything external but internal. There is a decision on a life change that involved some risk that I am about to initiate. I only have to send an email to my VA primary care physician to get the ball rolling.  That is not the problem, the problem is the hesitance I feel in making that call or sending that email.  Those are the facts. My disappointment is in why am I hesitant. It is the fear of the unknown the unexplored territory, and what will come after.  That’s the problem.  I am a novice Stoic. This whole process is an anathema to what I am coming to learn and believe.  I am the master of my thoughts and emotions, but my feelings (and not the facts) stand in my way.  The number one thing that I have completed in this vein was to become an IT person after being a generator mechanic in the U.S.A.F for 20 years. I believed this would give me a future that wanted for myself at the time.   I will make that decision at the competition of this writing as it accomplishes something I need to do for my day to start off with a WIN.

    I also want to be a writer, novelist. I however am stuck in the infancy of this as this is another one of those transitional periods just like when I was becoming an IT professional after retirement from the US military. I retire from Civil Service in another 5 years 1month, and 22 hours from the moment of this writing. I am in the midst of another transitional period. Once more moving from the comfortable to the unknown.   

    On the other hand there is a lot good news.   I am writing this was the goal the fact that I started writing again is something that makes me happy and encourages me to do more.  Additionally, my finances are coming into more order than chaos as of late.  That goal will be met by this time next year. I am happier than I have been in a long time. Because, the accomplishment of the above, (despite my disappointment) and the realization that I have great friends both old and new. Some that have not seen me since I left So Cal in the 80’s, and of course my family.  I have 4 Daughters all accomplished strong women 2 from the natural course of events and 2 through the family blending process. 10 grandkids.  Now I mention this because one of my daughters lit the fuse on this transition 6 years ago.  In a Daughter Father discussion she told me the truth about myself. That was the catalyst of this transition. Another daughter (of the same name) introduced me to the other reactive agents in my life her sons.  I am not going on a dissertation on the need for young men to have strong male leadership especially in this age, but I think you get the point.  I see a need and am trying to be an example. This is another reason for the change.

I have to control what I can control which is little. Today I wrote after a long drought.  By close of business tomorrow I will have contacted my Doctor conserving another change which at this point is at the conceptual level. 

Toxicity

Toxicity

There are toxins about you know; the human kind. There are those that toxicity is normal. The struggle comes when one tries move them from their perceived position of power. That is why we get upset with them we want some semblance of control… I got good news for you. Your struggle is over the final votes are in and you can’t change anything about anyone unless they sincerely desire to change. So stop trying.  I have toxic people around me on a daily basis (or at least workdays). I have toxic people in some of my online games I play. I have toxic people that are family members.  The short answer is love them where they are.

Sup wit that Crawdad I have to put up with their stuff. Well yes and no. In my work life. I have to ride with a few regularly.  I don’t have any desire to engage with them in any way shape or form. So using my Bluetooth headset I listen to podcasts.  That one is easy.  I have a friend that wants to engage with them for the sport of it. I actually find this entertaining for a minute or two, as it’s great to get them to contradict themselves then have them defend vehemently that contradiction; Its good sport.   Example the statement was made “money is evil” no it says the love of money is the root of all evil I believe this is evil in the plural sense as in all evils.  Then I ask them have they read Ecclesiastes 10-19 “A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things” you should see the heads spin on that one.  The more they talk the worse it gets.  I had the unfortunate experience of them insulting a driver in another vehicle stating “why did he buy a Mercedes he is just showing off”. I asked do you know that guy, how do you know.  I guess you have an issue with my Camaro as well.   I am reading rich dad poor dad and I learning the concept of minding one’s own business (in a financial sense) it’s his money and his Mercedes; what does that have to do with you.   Another coworker suggested those of us with military pensions, or disability should be laid off during the last furlough.  Other than the fact that the person had no idea of how to run all the systems that would be left vacant. It sounded and was ludicrous. (I like it when Iron Mike Tyson says it)   the short story is that they are all around us.  And we have to take the higher road.

Family lord bless them all. We all have one or two that can potentially blow up the family BBQ. Unless one wishes to dip into that morass with them my suggestion is to smile and disengage. (Run away even)  I did say yes and no I know I did. If the toxic person is in your place of safety. (Home) you really don’t have to put up with it. Kindly state that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in your home and ask them to leave.  I personally have the zalls to do that, however there are others that do not.  If one is in neutral territory you are on your own. (Bring a separate car so a quick escape can be made). Under no circumstances should you escalate the issue as emotions are a tough thing to corral if you blow a gasket it’s going to be messier than spilled chili on a white shag carpet.

Gaming toxicity.  I play free to play games I won’t mention the names, but they involve Tanks in a modern environment, tanks in a historical environment, and historical ships.  MY GOD internet courage isn’t that so sad.  New people get beat up and everyone is all up the AZZ about a players stats.    My favorite is Phil Helmuth, this is exactly the person I imagine when these guys go off in a game.  The verbiage is exactly the same “who is this low Win8 player doing trying to carry a game. Dude he just did and whupped your behind in the process.  Another favorite is the guy that has all the advice in game after they have run into the middle of a field alone and mad that he got killed.    The last time someone went off on me. (I killed them with one shot hit the ammo and BOOM!!! ) Was “don’t blame me I took the shot blame RNG (random number generator) for what happened after that, by the way my engine is lubricated with your tears.”   

Well this is what came to mind seeing I am writing something about something every day I can.  So please excuse the venting of my virtual spleen hope this helps someone even gets a small laugh 

I'm back now

I've been away

I have been away for a while. This is another iteration of my Do-Over. I have a dream of one day being a writer. More specifically a novelist.  I was reading articles about writing and found one written by Stephen King. He states if you wish to be a writer then write. So here goes. My intent is for this to chronicle the changes that that I undergo as I attempt to re-make myself for the 3rd time. This time the change is much deeper and significant than all the others combined. It is intended to be a total overhaul, as I have given myself 6 years (my retirement from federal service) to emerge from the chrysalis.  God willing (and the creek don't rise) there will be changes to my internal and external makeup during that period.  (detailed information to follow)

            Why now?  I'm so glad you asked. This is where I wound up after years of being alone, angry, and blaming others.  This means I have learned to deal with the responsible person (ME)  It also had roots in a couple of events in my life, and the advice of a carpool mate who made a suggestion that I took to heart and has taken off with me getting more information and direction than I have ever had. I'll talk about that later. The next event was the return of a set of grandchildren from NY State back to the El Paso area, as their father is in the Military.  It all began with the eldest asking me a couple of questions.  This 6 year old asked “Papi did you know there was a Black Hole in the center of the Milky Way galaxy? That question hit me in the head like a grenade going off. The next major question was. Papi what’s Magnetism?   That was a bomb going off in my head… I questioned myself and asked. How am I going to be able to instruct this young man?  He is so far ahead of where I was at 6 that it was scary.  I have to do something, I have to be something greater for him and all those that look up to me.  That is a sobering thought. So months later when I got the suggestion from a carpool mate, it clicked.  Oh the suggestion. Do you listen to podcasts? I said no, but I listen to a lot of audio-books. It makes me aware and of things and I want to keep my mind active.   He gave me a couple of suggestions that I liked. I then sent in search of I found the Do-over guy. Self-improvement suggestions and further education on remaking one’s self. That is where I am today.  So here it is.

            Where do I start? How do I start? I have to start somewhere so here goes. Where do I need improvement?  In all areas of my life.  Financially, physically, emotionally, and in the way I think.  I have started the financial part now I am paying off debts that I have accumulated over the years and will clean that mess up.  But I forgot the most important change of all.  That is to be responsible. Responsible for my words and deeds. I already don’t like making excuses. This goes much further.  I have a couple of family members and friends that I have or will make myself accountable. Also I am sticking out my neck and telling the entire world if my successes and failures, as there will be both. I also need to lose 100-110 of my closest friends.  No not any of you guys, but the extra pounds that I have come to follow me around and has become the “Monkey” on my back.  I need to keep my emotions in check, have a more positive attitude and look at life for the gift it is.  When one realizes that there is a strong possibility that the next 20 years will be the end of me it makes one consider what one has amassed and what one leaves behind.  I have stopped drinking alcohol to excess.  “4 bouts of gout is a great incentive to slow up on the Dos Equis, and Johnny walker Black Red and Blue. “  For the record this walk is my walk I am not encouraging any one to follow (as I am lost and can’t find my way as it is) this is a journey that I have started after many false starts and failures.  By writing this I hope to keep motivated and covet your encouragement. 

Anger

I must give credit to the Origonal writer Lori Taylor of Pick the brain.com from whom  I have recieved permission to repost... this touched me and refocused my efforts...

I thought it important to post it as I am going through something at present...




Anger. It’s hard to live with, harder to live without, right?
I agree.
Whether you are confrontational or passive aggressive, no matter how you handle anger, you and everyone around you is affected by your anger.
Some people will give you techniques to “manage” it. Others will teach you how to “get rid” of it. I’m sure you’ve even adopted a few homegrown ways to “avoid” it.

I don’t know about you, but none one of those approaches worked well for me.
The more I avoided anger, the more it showed up like a bad cold. It never seemed to never go away and there was no vaccine in sight. In between dreading it and trying to outrun it, I tried talking me “off the angry ledge”, as if I could reason with it – that was a joke.
At one point I even tried analyzing it, believing if I could know WHY it was there, it would dissipate. But that failed too.

The more I focused on anger the more it seemed to come.
Is anger a driving force in your life?
To find out, answer these 8 statements from Mental Health to see if any ring true for you.
1. I don’t show my anger about everything that makes me mad, but when I do – look out.
2. I still get angry when I think of the bad things people did to me in the past.
3. I sometimes lie awake at night and think about the things that upset me during the day.
4. I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong.
5. I get angry with myself when I lose control of my emotions.
6. After arguing with someone, I hate myself.
7. People really irritate me when they don’t behave the way they should, or when they act like they don’t have the good sense of a head of lettuce.
8. When I get angry, frustrated or hurt, I comfort myself by eating or using alcohol or other drugs.
If you answered “true” to any of them – congrats – you’re human!
If you found #1, #5, #6 or #8 to be true, you tend to like to make YOU wrong when you get angry. If any of the rest were true for you, you’re making EVERYONE ELSE wrong when you get angry.
Regardless who takes the beating for your temper tantrum, you should know it’s all normal - you’re alive!
What isn’t normal is letting anger take over your life. No matter how good it feels at the time, even if you’ve been really “wronged”, it isn’t serving you.
But it could…
What if you became aware of your anger and didn’t resist it?
Trying to suppress your anger, or push it under the carpet to “keep the peace” is just delaying the inevitable. If you do react, and end up feeling guilty or even worse angry with yourself, you’re telling YOU your feelings don’t matter. (You might even be telling yourself it’s not ok to be angry.)
How are these techniques working out for you?
How would you feel if I met you, shook your hand, looked you in the eye and simply said, “Let’s get one thing straight, we can only hang out if your emotions never impact my day because I don’t have time for hurt feelings and drama on either side.” (Not good, I bet)
The sad thing is, I don’t need to tell you anything, because you’re doing enough damage on your own!
Every time you ignore your emotions, YOU’RE the one confirming YOU don’t matter.
Even if someone comes out and says, “You don’t matter”, it means nothing unless you believe them. No one can steal your power – you choose to give it away; even trying to ignore it or resist it is futile – it’s just a matter of time until it surfaces.
Trying to resist anger by ignoring it is like starving and not eating despite the fact there’s a plate of food right in front of you. The more you focus on your hunger, the hungrier you usually get. Even if you’re able to ignore you’re hunger for a while, it will still be there later. (You might even be even hungrier, right??)
Why would being angry be any different than being hungry?
You can use anger to see what is really happening, acknowledge it, and be grateful for the opportunity to clear the block you already had. Accepting the situation “as is” and finding the common trigger for the situations you’re holding onto will give you clarity to see the lesson you keep bringing to yourself.
Put a different meaning to this “lesson” anger is bringing to you. It’s just doing its job – trying to get you to pay attention!
Any person who evokes any emotion, “good” or “bad”, should be seen as an angel who is trying to help you see the truth. Your alleged enemies, the job you hate, or the verbally abusive relationship you might be in are just your way of bringing to you the emotions you require to experience in order to grow.
You are powerful.
You are loved.
And no one has the power to make you feel or be anything you don’t want to experience.
Stop resisting emotions like anger or sadness and accept you need them to experience growth. Through a higher sense of awareness you can give them the space to come and go which will give you a feeling of incredible freedom – finally knowing there is nothing for you to “do” or “change” or “solve”!
Implement this one tiny shift towards the meaning you place on your emotions to start feeling OUTRAGEOUSLY delicious!

The moving sidewalk

I have been dealing with something for a long while. It's not a bad thing, but it was a life-changing experience. It changed my life from one that was moved and swayed by things like politics, the news, and external events. It changed to things more internal and, to be more lasting. It would seem that life, motivations, and things have more substantial effects on my life. It was this simple thought. Life is a moving sidewalk... 

           For you special people that have flown Delta Airlines and traversed the USA, you have stopped at one time or another in ATL or Atlanta or Hotlanta, as some of my friends have called it from time to time. It has Very long` moving sidewalks... I don't know when it hit me exactly, but it was about 18 months ago I made the rigid connection between that moving sidewalk and my life. That is the impetus for the massive change in my life... It wasn't overnight, but it led directly to my change in job, marriage, and my new family status. It started with the dissatisfaction of now I was living. I wanted something lasting, and the way I was living my life was not conducive to that kind of activity. I thought of what I was doing and how it was perceived (mainly by me)

    In my work life, I was doing something much like marking time in my life. I could do most of that job and not think about it. It paid very well, but deep down, I felt like it was not recognized for what it was. It was an IT position that required IT knowledge, but it was not recognized as an IT position... It at 1st upset me, but I realized it was the way it would be, and any anger and stress in my life were not going to fix it.


            In my personal life, I saw a situation I could not change. What I was doing was fun, but it would lead anywhere I wanted to go. So it changed as well. The hard part was the change. It was safe and fun, but my personality was not well suited to that life. I have a part of my heart that I cannot turn off like a switch and that life requires that I do not engage my heart in concert with my emotions. It was mainly mechanical… don't get me wrong, I have great friends and people I met through that time, and it wasn't them. It was me that could not deal with it. Back when I initially moved out of my home when my last situation ended, the most challenging part of dating was seeing the door closing and me still being alone in my apartment, room, or house. That went on for the better part of six years. It got worse as the days, weeks, and years passed.

 If I have to put a date on the initial planting of the seed of this life-changing moment, it would have to be July 9, 2009, when I lost a perfect friend. It was a Monday. I found my sister from another mister she had passed from this life to the next. Her transit on the moving sidewalk was over, as she had reached the transit point to the next life. The thing that gave me satisfaction and peace was knowing that there was nothing left unsaid between us. She, in fact, just put a bid on a beautiful house just that Friday. It was a happy moment, and with another friend, we parted with a hug, a sincere I love you, sis, and I saw her last driving away waving and smiling.

That Monday was hard. I was gone for the weekend. I felt guilty I wasn't there for her when she most needed me, but how did I know? How could I know? That's the hard truth; we never know when our ride on the moving sidewalk is over.

             I went on after my grief, not knowing what was growing inside me. I wanted something, just didn't know what, and I reached out for something, but it was something I wanted to change because of it, but I found myself adjusting to accept it, and it was in a direction that I deep down did not wish to for a lifetime. You see, you can't externally change anyone. To paraphrase a famous coach, "They are who you think they are."   You see, change comes from inside, not outside. My shift was starting to take root, and it affected my personal and professional life. That process takes years to complete, and I don't think we ever really do end it entirely.

             I was told the two people in relationships make two typical mistakes the man thinks the woman won't change, and the woman thinks the man will. (That one is for free) This time was primarily spent doing what I was doing and not being happy. I didn't trust anyone. Everyone's motives were suspect. I looked for a flaw, and I usually found it. I projected a self-fulfilling prophecy on others, and the truth was it as easy as most provided the information that would confirm my suspicions quite readily. I saw situations and people that I envisioned myself being a part of, but some mitigating circumstances would worsen. It happened more than once. It's terrible to invest feelings into a situation that practically you know without a doubt will end poorly. I could not move further down that road as I wouldn't tell someone what to do, get into their family issues, or otherwise try to change something that I had no business getting into…  In case any of you are looking for details that ain't happening.


            Professionally I relaxed as it was what it was and unless I would make a situation for myself. I just needed to keep my head down and ride the tide. When I relaxed and chilled, and basically matured like that cheese in the cheeseit commercial. When I was ready, the change came upon me totally unexpectedly. I got a phone call from a mentor; he was the person 14 years earlier who laid out the blueprint for my career change from a Generator Mechanic/electrician to a computer person, a geek, if you will. He told me of a position at my present place of employment that was coming open, and if I wanted a shot, throw my hat in the ring and see what happens. I was promised nothing other than the shot to compete. I wanted nothing else but an opportunity. I felt like it was a chance, just a chance to be a legitimate computer person in a recognized career field instead of being listed as a computer, clerk, and assistant. I am a realist, and I understand why it was that way; the truth of the answer to that situation is the same answer that I give in reply "It's business, not personal." They had their way of doing things, and it was above the pay grades of all my immediate leadership, and it was not anytime soon going to change, and I understood that. I, however, had the option for the 1^st time to get a shot at something else. Once again, it was business and not personal. Heck, I miss my people every day a day does not pass when I think of them, and when it gets unbearable, I shoot an email or, if I'm fortunate a call.


            I used to get wrapped around the axle about politics; I don't anymore. I do care, but I will not expend energy on things I can't control. I have beliefs that are primarily conservative/libertarian, but that's for me. I do have a problem with short memories. I will give you an example I don't like war, and I'd rather not see it happen. However, I know how mankind has found its way to have one constantly from (at least) 2500BC to the present. On this moving sidewalk, history didn't start when you were introduced to it by your parents; the sidewalk has been moving since the words LET THERE BE LIGHT were uttered eons ago. I know who was on what side at times past. Historical side notes: When the Germans invaded Poland from the west, the Russians invaded from the east as they had a deal splitting the country in half in 1939. That deal ended in 1941 when the Germans invaded Russia. As a student of history, some things may seem new, but they are ancient indeed. I'm leaving it at that. I will say that conservatives do what conservatives do, progressives do what they always do, and I can tell the difference for myself, and sometimes there is common ground. I don't get wrapped around the axle about it anymore. I ain't got time for the anger, frustration, or anything else. I have things that require my immediate attention. I have 8 grandkids, a wife, daughters, natural and otherwise, a challenging job, and folks that look at me for direction.   I am incredibly proud of my children and grandchildren. I agree with DL Hugley when he says, "A boy can't be a man until he sees a man." I got stuff on my plate, and I will deal with the things I can influence and change and BUMP the rest.



             I used to gauge my day by the feedback of others. I don't think any more people are inconsistent and can change from the hour or the minute. I see this all the time, professionally and personally. I can't gauge my day on how a boss, wife, or co-worker is doing at any particular moment. That is a recipe for being upset regularly. I see self-centered, petty, controlling, and out-of-control people. I also see those in tremendous amounts of stress making the best of it every day. The solution for my journey on the moving sidewalk of life is to be the best Manny I can be, allow myself to make a mistake, be scared, but never think this is the end of life as we know it. If the Mayans are correct, you need to love yourself and your loved ones even more than you know… if the Mayans are wrong, the same thing applies. Because it doesn't matter as you don't control it.   Will Israel attack Iran, I don't know, and I don't care because I can't control it. Who will win the nomination? I care a little because it affects how I will vote, but it really doesn't matter at all at Casa Del Crawdad on Patagonia drive. My goals are to get out of the majority of my debt before January 21, 2013. That can be preempted by the Mayans or Nostradamus, but I can't worry about that.    Because when your exit comes up on the moving sidewalk, it's over, and nothing can change that. I just hope that when my family continues on their journey, they remember what I have said, just like the way sometimes when I least expect it, I open my mouth. My father's words come out for instruction, motivation, discipline, or a good laugh. That way, I will still live in a small way with them as my father lives with me.